What's New, Naruto?
by knuckz
Summary: Uzumaki Naruto was not kicked out of Konoha; he left of his own accord. Not enough money, and no health or dental coverage? It was a bad job, really. Swearing and mature themes. Strong!Naruto.
1. Uzumaki Naruto

What's New, Naruto?

By knuckz

* * *

Summary: Uzumaki Naruto was not kicked out of Konoha; he left. Not enough money, and no health or dental coverage? It was a bad job, really. Swearing and mature themes.

* * *

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to people that are not me. You should know this by now.

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This story, while nothing like any of his/her works, is dedicated to** Jetslinger** (whose Melody of the Fox is practically my most loved fic on this site), who has retired from fanfiction for more important things**. **You'll be dearly missed!

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**01 – Uzumaki Naruto

* * *

**

"Oi! Get up, ya lazy bastard!"

The man kicked the sleeping (and blissfully unaware) blond hard in the ribs, causing the boxer-clad man to fall out of bed.

THUD.

Moaning.

Anger.

"What the hell, you psycho!" Naruto groaned from the floor beside his bed, "Why the fuck are you waking me up this early!"

The blond rose from the floor, cracking his neck sharply. He glared at the man that had dared to disrupt his sleep. His dream had just been getting to the good part.

Nothing beat sex in a giant bowl of ramen.

The man in question looked much like a beggar that had mugged a rich guy. His hair was unkempt and the majority of his face was hidden by a large beard. However, his clothes were those of a professional working-man.

"It was the 'sex in ramen' dream again, eh?" he stated, smirking at the whiskered blond. Naruto glowered at him.

"Tell me what you want or I'll kill you, Kongou, friend or not. It's too early for this shit." Naruto said dangerously, glaring at the wild-haired man.

"Maa, calm down. You're always so cranky when you-"

Naruto jumped over the bed at him procuring a sword out of nowhere. The man named Kongou ducked under Naruto's horizontal swipe and flipped forward into a handstand, attacking with the blades hidden in his sandals.

The blond blocked each strike with the flat of his sword before jumping back over his bed. While still in the air, Naruto put his right foot onto the side of the bed, and gave it a push, using the momentum to stick to the wall behind him. The bed slid across the floor at the still-upside-down man, who used his arms to push off the ground and over the bed. It crashed into the wall loudly, breaking wood.

Naruto jumped off the wall while Kongou was still in the air, attempting to thrust his sword into his chest but he missed as Kongou's feet stuck to the ceiling and he crouched. Pulling a kunai out of his sleeve, Kongou made to stab the now seemingly defenceless blond in the face.

Naruto saw the kunai come closer and closer to piercing the space between his eyes, as if it were in slow motion. But then, suddenly, there was a bright glint of steel accompanied with the sound of rushing wind. It left as soon as it came, and before he realized it, Kongou fell from the ceiling with multiple cuts all over his body and Naruto's blade sticking out of his chest.

Naruto scoffed as he wrenched his sword out of the dead man's chest and flicked the lingering blood off of his sword.

"Tch... bitch, waking me up for this shit." he muttered, as he surveyed the damage to his room. It looked as if a mini-tornado had swept through it.

The destroyed bed had done most of the damage to the wall, but there were scratch marks from his sword as well. And there was blood all over the floor, having leaked from Kongou's body.

"Fuck. I can't even go back to sleep!" he snapped out, angrily, "Look what you did, you bastard."

Naruto kicked the body of the dead man a few times before spitting on it.

Sighing in annoyance, he walked over to his slightly scratched dresser and pulled out his usual outfit, which consisted of a tan _hakama_ that was cut off past the knees, and a very loose dark-red _gi_. After quickly slipping on his clothes and his _geta_, Naruto sheathed his _tsurugi_ into a scabbard before slinging it over his back. He gave himself a once over in the broken mirror ("Shit, that's seven years bad luck.") before exiting.

As Naruto left the room, it never crossed his mind that it was in fact him that had done practically all the damage to the room, and not the man whom he had murdered.

After all, it was easier to blame shit on dead people; it wasn't like they could defend themselves.

* * *

He was prepared for it as he walked into the bar.

"Naruto! What the hell was that ruckus up there!?" she screamed at him.

'Up there' was his apartment. When he had first arrived in this town over a year ago, the then eighteen-year-old Naruto didn't have any place to stay. He had only a little money, so he had gone to the bar to perhaps drink it away before wandering away again. Right then and there, Saya, the now seventeen-year-old owner of the bar and the girl who was currently screaming at him, had kicked someone out from the second apartment above the bar for making too much noise and trying to perv on her.

It had happened at the most opportune of moments, so Naruto had made Saya a deal that she couldn't have possibly refused. Saya, being as stubborn as she was, refused him. Then, without complaint, Naruto left town for a couple of days, killed a few A-rank missing-nin, collected their bounties, and went back to the pretty brunette with the evidence of his strength. Needless to say, Saya accepted his deal wordlessly, having been shocked into silence.

Naruto had become Saya's personal ninja in exchange for room and board, as well as seventy percent of the bounties. It eventually extended to the entire town of Furou; it was like a Hidden Village with only one ninja.

In the end, it worked out for everybody, but much to Saya's dismay, Naruto was perhaps even louder and more perverted than the last resident. She, like most women, hated perverts, and was always in a sour mood when Naruto would decide to go to one of the local brothels or bring a woman home.

Saya, apparently, had decided that there was no such thing as a worthy man and that she would die a virgin. So far, she was actually making good progress. Naruto privately thought that it helped that Saya was bat-shit strong, and no sane man that knew her would try to get laid with her.

Naruto, of course, was the sole exception to that rule, though he wasn't so sure that he was sane, so that didn't really count.

It also helped that, like he had done with so many other people, Naruto had somehow wormed his way into Saya's heart, though she would never ever admit it. But it had to be true, because despite all the ruckus that Naruto made and all the times he tried to bed her, she had never kicked him out.

Perhaps it would be going too far to say that she was in love with him, but she liked him enough to tolerate him, and that was good enough for Naruto.

"My bad, Dokufu-chan. Kongou woke me up, so I killed him." Naruto replied nonchalantly. Saya bashed her fist on his head.

"Don't call me that, asshole!" Saya screamed at him, "Can you for once kill someone without ruining your damn room! I hate having to clean up all the blood and dead bodies!"

Saya, while not a ninja, did have skills in medical ninjutsu. According to her, she had been trained by Tsunade of the Sannin for a short time a long while back; Naruto maintained that he didn't believe her and voiced it quite often, though it was mostly just to piss her off. While Saya's strength was nowhere near as strong as Tsunade's (or Sakura's), it was still beyond what humans could produce without chakra.

Naruto smirked at Saya, and the kimono-clad girl huffed in anger and went back behind the bar to serve breakfast to the waiting patrons who looked on in amusement. This was a common occurrence.

"Ah, you know you love me, Saya-chan."

Naruto ducked suddenly, avoiding the knife that Saya had hurled at him. It was embedded to the hilt into the wall behind him. Naruto wisely refrained from upsetting the girl anymore.

A man chuckled at their actions. Saya turned on him.

"This is your fault as well, Kongou! Will you do your own damn job for once!?"

Kongou, the man that Naruto had just seemingly killed upstairs, grimaced.

"Sorry, Saya-san." Kongou replied abashedly. Naruto walked over to the table and plopped down in the seat across the bearded man. Naruto reached his hand out as if he were grabbing something, and produced a cigarette out of thin air, as if he were performing a magic trick.

Lighting it up with a snap of his fingers, Naruto took a long drag before blowing the smoke into Kongou's face. To his credit, Kongou did not cough.

"So you sent another assassin after me, eh?" Naruto remarked. Kongou chuckled.

"You didn't even care to check whether it was really me or not before killing him, did you?" Kongou asked the blond. Naruto just shrugged.

Kongou was the bodyguard of the mayor of the town, Seisumi Shubou. As many people in a position of power did, Shubou too had attempts of assassinations upon him. Ever since Naruto came to town, Kongou would offer the assassins an obscene amount of money to go assassinate Naruto instead. The assassins, obviously enamoured with the thought of so much money would unwittingly go after the blond, against whom they stood no chance. They would get killed, and Kongou wouldn't have to go through the trouble of dealing with the assassins himself.

Eventually, it got to the point of it being a game. Kongou would send the assassins with instructions meant to fool Naruto. This time, Kongou had obviously told the assassin to disguise themselves as him, probably to see if Naruto would hesitate before killing him.

"Same old Naruto. Anyway, I'll cut straight to the point. Shubou-sama's got a mission for you." Kongou informed the smoking blond. Naruto didn't say anything, so Kongou continued.

"Apparently, our usual import of sake was stolen."

"WHAT!?"

Everybody in the bar (aside from Kongou himself) looked at the man in shock. Naruto clenched his shaking fist, before slamming it onto the table.

"Damn bastards... who was it?" he whispered, "Who stole my precious?"

Kongou looked at Naruto for a second, before replying.

"It was leaf-nin."

Saya froze in shock upon hearing this, looking for Naruto's reaction. The blond stared at the table with eyes unfocused, probably in as much shock as Saya was, if not more so. It had been so long since he had heard of the leaf; even longer since he had left them behind.

"Konoha, eh..." Naruto said, trailing off. Naruto had no grudge against the leaf; it wasn't like he was kicked out. He had left of his own accord. Thankfully, Tsunade was still Hokage and had only given him a C-rank bingo book rating, and had never even sent hunter-nin after him either. It had saved him some trouble. That didn't stop his friends from coming though, but he had kept avoiding them until, slowly, they started giving up.

Naruto sighed sadly, and Saya looked at him worriedly as the rest of patrons continued to mutter about the loss of their precious sake. Naruto had only talked of his past to very few people; Saya and Kongou were among them.

Kongou stared at Naruto with an indecipherable look on his face. Then, the corner of his mouth twitched.

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" Kongou erupted in laughter, slapping his palm on the table several times. Apparently, he had been joking. Naruto looked at him with a shocked expression.

"You- you- ahaha- you should've seen the look on your face!" Kongou choked out, holding his stomach as if his guts were about to fall out. Naruto's face darkened slowly. Saya put her face in her palm in exasperation.

"Kongou..." Naruto whispered ominously, as he slowly rose from his seat and reached for his sword. Kongou's laughter slowly died out.

"You fucking bastard!"

"Ahh!"

"Naruto! If you break anything, I'll kill you!"

* * *

"Missing-nin from Iwa, eh?" Naruto commented, "That's pretty interesting."

Kongou had already left to get back to his job. Thankfully for him, Saya had managed to bully Naruto into not killing him.

"I'm gonna kill those fucking bastards." Naruto stated, gritting his teeth. Nobody stole his sake. Nobody.

"No, first, I'm gonna seduce their wives and sisters, then I'm gonna fucking kill those bastards." Naruto revised, nodding sagely, "Yeah, that's a good plan."

Saya rolled her eyes at Naruto's so-called 'good plan'.

"Can you not be so perverted for once, Naruto? It's disgusting enough with Azusa-san." she commented, glaring at him. Naruto smirked mischievously at her.

"Why? Are you going to sheathe my sword, scabbard?" Naruto said, his smirk evolving into a grin. Saya's glare evolved from angry to murderous in an instant. However, a bright and bubbly voice interrupted any plans of murder that Saya had concocted.

"Naruto-niichan!"

Naruto grinned at the much-needed interruption. He turned to the source of the voice.

"And speaking of Azusa; yo, Fuu!"

Seisumi Fuu was the nine-year-old daughter of Seisumi Shubou and his wife, Seisumi Azusa. Previous to Naruto's presence in town she had looked up to Saya, dressing exactly like her. Once Naruto had come into town, she had been completely enamoured by the blond and started replicating Naruto's personality, much to Saya's annoyance.

It was quite a sight, watching an inebriated nine-year-old Fuu trying to hit on women over two times her age. Saya had been furious that Naruto let the little girl get drunk, but the spectacle _was_ pretty funny. And even worse was when Naruto used the young girl to get laid with unsuspecting women. While Saya knew that Naruto actually cared for the little brat even though he used her for his own dirty needs, it still annoyed her to no end. She did _not_ want Fuu ending up as some sort of brothel girl.

"Are they big enough yet, Naruto-niichan?" Fuu asked excitedly. Naruto chuckled nervously, and gave the narrow-eyed Saya a quick glance.

"Ahaha, not yet Fuu, not yet." Naruto said, before continuing quickly, desperate to save himself, "Are you hungry? Let me treat you!"

Fuu, of course, was ever hungry. People often remarked that her stomach was bottomless.

"Yeah! Let's eat!" Fuu chirped happily, despite the fact that she had just eaten before coming here. Saya glowered at Naruto for temporarily evading her question as she went to serve Fuu and Naruto some food.

She stood back as she watched Naruto and Fuu scarf down their food. They kept an even pace for the first few bowls, but eventually (like always), Fuu pulled ahead by an obscene amount. To this day, it never ceased to amaze Saya how much that girl could eat.

Eventually, after what seemed like several hours, Fuu finally finished eating.

"_Manpuku Manpuku Runtotto..._" the bloated Fuu began singing, as Naruto and Saya idly talked about his mission.

"It'll probably take me a couple of days to complete the mission. It's mostly the travel." Naruto stated, being serious with Saya for once, "As usual, you have the seal. If anything... well, you know what to do."

_"...Pukuman Pukuman Manzokumyo..."_

Saya nodded. Naruto slid his chair back and stood up.

"Aww, you're going?" Fuu asked, breaking out of song. Naruto grinned and ruffled her hair, much to her delight.

"Don't worry kiddo; I'll be back before you know it! Remember; drink lots and lots of milk!" Naruto said, before walking over to the door. Fuu saluted him.

"Will do!"

"Naruto!" Saya called. Naruto looked back over his shoulder, waiting for her to say something. She hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to say.

"I... be careful." Saya said quietly. Naruto turned to face her completely and grinned brightly. His hair, much longer and wilder than when he was a kid, ruffled with the movement.

"Don't worry about me; I'm too good for anybody to get me!"

SPLASH!

Naruto turned around in shock; a few kids were smirking at him, holding water balloons in their hands. Obviously, they had thrown one at him if the sight of his drooping hair was any indication. Blowing raspberries at him, they ran away.

"You damn kids!" Naruto yelled before chasing after them, drawing his sword in the process, "I'll chop you to bits!"

Saya could only smile, as she heard more splashes of thrown water-balloons and the terror-filled screams of little kids.

_That Naruto..._ she thought fondly.

Then she remembered the odd conversation that Fuu and Naruto had earlier.

"Fuu-chan," Saya started, turning to the girl, "What did you mean by 'are they big enough yet'?"

"Oh, that! Well, the other day, Naruto-niichan went to that place with all those women, and when I asked him about it, he said he was having some fun with them. I wanted to have fun with him too, but he said that I needed bigger breasts to have that kind of fun with him." Fuu explained, putting her thumb to her chin in a thinking pose, "I dunno what he meant, but since then I've been drinking lots and lots of milk!"

Saya's face darkened considerably and her shoulders started quivering. Her head lowered, eyes glaring at the floor beneath her.

"...Saya-neechan?"

"NAARUUTOOOOOO!"

* * *

Outside the town of Furou, Naruto grimaced at the scream of what he thought was his name.

_Shit, Saya's gonna kill me when I get back._

Then he smirked, imagining the expression on her face.

_But damn it if it wasn't worth it.

* * *

_

**End

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**

Kongou – indestructible substance

Hakama – man's formal divided skirt

Gi – derived from _Keikogi_, which are martial arts clothes

Geta – footwear that resemble clogs and flip-flops

Tsurugi – broadsword; Naruto's is double-edged

Dokufu – evil woman

Saya – scabbard

Furou – vagrancy

Seisumi – energy ink

Shubou – chief/leader

Azusa – Japanese cherry birch

Fuu – folk song

_Manpuku Manpuku Runtotto... Pukuman Pukuman Manzokumyo... _– nonsense song about being full

**I'll be keeping author's notes nice and short. The planned pairing is Naruto/Saya; that is, if one of them doesn't end up dying. Updates will come when they come. I don't follow a schedule.**

**Seisumi Fuu is a tribute to Fuu from Samurai Champloo, but not the actual character. This is not a crossover. The nonsense song can be found in episode 15.**

**Leave a comment! I look forward to constructive criticism. Also, if you have any questions or concerns, be sure to leave them and I'll answer however I can.**

**Thanks for reading,**

**knuckz**


	2. For the Sake of Sake

What's New, Naruto?

By knuckz

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Summary: Uzumaki Naruto was not kicked out of Konoha; he left of his own accord. Not enough money, and no health or dental coverage? It was a bad job, really. Swearing and mature themes.

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**02 – For the Sake of Sake**

* * *

All the gathered ninja and wannabe samurai shared a hearty laugh.

"Man, we hit the jackpot! Where'd you find all this sake, Kyousuke?" asked one of the Iwa missing-nin. The man in question stood up.

"Some merchants were on their way delivering it to some no-name town, and I robbed them without them even realizing it." Kyousuke answered, "Anyway, we'd better move quickly."

The other men protested immediately.

"Huh?"

"Why!?"

"I wanna get wasted, dammit!"

Kyousuke got annoyed pretty quickly.

"Shut up, ya bastards! If we don't move now, someone might come after the booze." he snapped at his companions. There was a reason why he was the leader of the group and they weren't.

The other men just scowled at this. Obviously, they had been expecting to drink all the free sake immediately.

"Alright, let's move! We'll be taking the mountain path; there's a spot halfway up the mountain where we can set up camp. If we set out now, we can get there by nightfall." Kyousuke informed his team. They grumbled, but did as they were told. Kyousuke was both smarter and stronger than the rest of them; he _was_ the leader for a reason, after all.

"And if I'm not mistaken, there's also a brothel there as well." he said, grinning at his group as he eyed a young raven-haired fellow approaching them from the distance.

If that didn't inspire them, then nothing would.

"Ooooohhh! Let's go!"

* * *

The golden-haired demon container abruptly stopped. He had been walking nonstop for the past day and finally decided that he would need to quicken the pace, lest the sake-thieves move position too far for him to track.

Naruto sat down on a nearby rock and closed his eyes, sitting with his legs crossed. Had anyone come across him, they would have remarked that he might've been meditating.

He might as well have been; this particular technique required much more concentration than his other ones, especially as it was a ranged one.

Naruto pulled on both chakras available to him, and the ground around him started growing. Wooden pillars grew around the rock, forming a cavernous shape almost like an ear. They tightened, closing any gaps between the wood until it seemed that the half-dome had grown naturally.

He was performing a technique thought dead with the First Hokage; wood manipulation.

Then, Naruto reinforced his eardrums with his own chakra. Taking a deep breath, Naruto focused both chakras once more, and again, pulled. And the wind rushed.

From everything in his path came the voices of the land. Naruto listened with reinforced ears to the lives of people unknown to him, hearing their pleas and platitudes, their compliments and concerns.

"Hitomi! Come here!"

"Be nice!"

"Run away!"

"Don't worry, son. Daddy's got you."

"Hey baby, how 'bout me and you-"

"Ahh... that hit the spot."

"Help me!"

Naruto was bombarded with voices of everything in his path. Shouts, whispers, and random conversation. Moans and groans of pleasure and pain. The joyful shouts, the painful screams, the secretive whispers; nothing was private from him. And Naruto listened on, hearing all the conversations not meant for his ears, whether they were spoken aloud or spoken in whispers.

There was a reason that Naruto did not like to use this particular technique often.

Such a total invasion of privacy never ever sat well with his conscience; just the idea that just anybody might hear his conversations was a frightening thought. That was why he only used it in dire situations that called for it.

Dire situations like the one he was currently in. After all, sake was pretty fucking important.

"...find all this sake..."

Naruto perked up, finally finding what he was looking for. Focusing the _yang_ chakra of the Kyuubi again, Naruto once more pulled on the wind, concentrating on the area from where he had heard of the stolen sake.

Naruto waited once more as the wind carried the echoes of his targets.

"...taking the mountain path..."

The blond-haired ninja's eyes snapped open, finally finding the information that he was looking for.

_Judging by the time it took for the echo to get here, I'd say that they're still about four hours away..._ Naruto thought to himself.

_I'll have to use the Giant Toad Leap._

The Giant Toad Leap was a technique that Naruto had devised based upon watching some of the larger toad summons leap around. Naruto had designed it to help traverse long distances in a short amount of time; basically, it saved him the need to summon one of the larger toads for simple travel.

However, this was another technique that he rarely used, as it was often quite dangerous, not to mention taxing on his body. The Giant Toad Leap required a lot of chakra and had a great amount of momentum; the first time he had tried it, Naruto had forgotten to keep his legs reinforced as he landed; he had broken both his legs.

Saya had nursed him back to health within a few weeks, which Naruto was thankful for, but the experience had been extremely unpleasant. Saya was pretty good, but she was no Tsunade.

There was also the fact that once Naruto was in the air, he couldn't control where he landed unless he found an obstacle in the air. If he landed someplace disagreeable, he'd have to deal with it. That, of course, didn't mean that Naruto didn't have ways to avoid such problems. With enough focus, he could slightly alter the course of his landing using the wind to push him, but again, the technique was difficult enough without all these extra factors, so he only used them when he needed to.

Naruto climbed to the top of a large tree, using the basic chakra control exercise to stick to it. Once at the top, he was left impossibly standing on the extremely thin branches that shouldn't have been able to support his weight. Gazing into the distance, he tried to get an accurate measure for where he wanted to land. Far away, Naruto saw a few mountains, with one that had a small building structure halfway up, and he decided to land near the base of that particular mountain. Then he could climb up to that building, and seek refuge before catching up to the sake thieves.

Jumping back to the ground, Naruto readied himself. Forcing an enormous amount of chakra to his legs, Naruto bent his knees before pushing off the ground as hard as he could, tearing it up in large pieces as he left it behind. Leaving behind an enormous amount of debris of toppled trees and fractured dirt, Naruto was immediately sent sailing off into the sky above the entire forest. The wind slapped at his face and breathing became harder than usual, so Naruto had to hold in his breath. Naruto had to narrow his eyes in order to see where he was going. The wind was roaring in his ears, preventing him from hearing any other sounds.

Naruto had to resist the urge to scream. It wasn't because this wasn't enjoyable; there was a certain degree of delight about flying through the air as he currently was, but he remembered the first time he had decided to scream in joy. The wind had filled his lungs rather quickly, and breathing had become quite impossible for the terrified blond.

Needless to say, it had been an extremely distasteful experience; something which Naruto wanted to avoid experiencing again.

He watched with narrowed eyes as the distant mountains came closer and closer, becoming bigger than Naruto had realized they were. And soon enough, Naruto had started his descent to the ground. The earth below came closer at an alarming rate as he readied himself for collision. Making the ram seal, Naruto directed wind towards the ground, as if trying to push it away. This would slow his descent to a point where he wouldn't splatter upon hitting the dirt.

As soon as Naruto impacted the grassy ground, he went straight into a roll to lessen the impact even more; he could have reinforced his legs with chakra and landed straight up, but bones could still break and he'd rather not risk it.

When he stopped rolling, Naruto shakily rose to his feet with a grimace on his face, his hands absentmindedly swiping dirt off his clothes.

_I hate using this technique. My clothes take forever to clean!_ Naruto thought, before looking up at the mountain. He couldn't make out the structure that he had seen from the distance, but it had been about half-way up the mountain, as he had glimpsed on his way down.

_That Giant Toad Leap used a lot of my chakra... I guess there's no other way around it._

With a sigh, Naruto began to climb.

_Ahh, sake, what I do for you..._

* * *

"Saya-neechan?"

Saya turned her head slightly towards Fuu, not completely looking at her. The book she was reading was very poignant, and she rarely got a chance to read what with all the shenanigans Naruto would pull; after all, if she weren't there to calm Naruto down, then who would?

"Yes?" Saya asked, absentmindedly. When Fuu hesitated, Saya tore her eyes away from the book to look at her.

"What is it, Fuu?" Saya asked her, slightly concerned. Fuu wasn't the most cautious of children; when she did something, she did it without regards of the consequences, like most children her age.

"Do you think that Naruto-niichan is alright?" Fuu asked, frowning slightly. Saya smiled at her concern for the whiskered blond.

"Don't you worry about Naruto, Fuu. I'm sure he's probably kicking major bad-guy butt right now." Saya told the girl, hoping to alleviate her fears despite having some of her own. Saya knew all about the group called Akatsuki and their interest in Naruto; if, by some off-chance, they found the blond, then matters would get dangerous and very quickly so. Saya didn't know what she would do without Naruto; he so quickly became a constant in her life that she couldn't imagine it without him in it.

Not that she would ever tell him.

Predictably, Fuu brightened up upon hearing Saya's calming words.

"Yeah!" Fuu said, imagining a possible situation for Naruto to be in, as Saya relaxed into her book once again.

_"You'll never stop me, Uzumaki Naruto!" cackled the evil masked man, "Now that I have absorbed the secret statue of awesome powers, I'm invincible! Invincible!"_

_Naruto, laying broken and battered on the ground, glared defiantly at the super-villain whom he was to defeat._

_"As long as I am alive, you'll never win!" Naruto said, slowly rising from the ground, "As long as everybody still believes in me, I'll never let you win!"_

_"Take this!" yelled the enraged bad-guy extending his arm, "This is my _Destruction Beam!!!_"_

_A giant beam of destruction erupted from his arm, and approached Naruto at a devastatingly fast rate, threatening on disintegrating his whole body. Naruto just stood there, calmly awaiting the beam as if it weren't going to kill him and doom the planet._

_When the beam hit the blond, a huge explosion erupted from the ground he stood on. The evil super-villain laughed maniacally, thinking that he had killed the blond._

_"Muahahahaha!! He's dead, he's dead!" the bad-guy cackled happily. However, when the debris cleared, Naruto was still standing there as if nothing had happened. The man gaped at the sight, unable to believe what he had just seen._

_"How? How can this be!?"_

_Naruto just glared at him._

_"You've done a lot of bad things, but when you tried to hurt my precious Fuu-chan, that was the last straw!" Naruto said, picking up his fallen sword._

_"No! Stay away!" the evil man yelled, back away. Naruto glared coldly at the man before speaking._

"_Disappear."_

_Naruto suddenly vanished from the man's view, much to his astonishment. He looked avidly around, unable to find the blond._

"_Behind you."_

_The villain spun around, just to see the blond wasn't even facing him. Naruto was gazing off into the distance, seemingly uncaring that he had his back to the enemy. And this was his chance!_

_But before the bad-guy could attack Naruto from behind, Naruto spoke again._

"_Don't bother. Don't you know that you've already lost?" Naruto spoke, without even once turning around to look at his enemy. The masked man glared at the blond._

"_You- urghhhh!"_

_Unable to do anything, the bad-guy fell to the ground, flopping onto his back. Whatever Naruto had done, it had been devastating. The man wondered if he was dying. And, as if Naruto could read his mind, Naruto spoke again._

"_Relax, you're not dying. Even though I wanted to kill you, it's much cooler to leave you alive."_

Fuu shook her head. That last line sounded odd.

"_Relax, you're not dying. Even though I wanted to kill you, I just couldn't take your life because Fuu-chan wouldn't want me to. You have her to thank for your life."_

_The villain couldn't believe it._

"_Why- how are you so strong? Why didn't I win?" he whispered. Naruto didn't respond immediately, but after a moment of silence, faced the bad-guy with a bright grin on his face._

"_Well of course you didn't win. You were trying to bring hate and war to this land." Naruto told the man, chuckling, "After all, this land is made of..."_

_Naruto flashed a V sign at the man; the typical sign for 'peace'._

"_... love and peace!!!"_

"Love and peace!" Fuu suddenly broke out, startling Saya with her sudden outburst, "Yeah! Naruto-niichan is so cool!"

Saya looked at the young girl, bewildered at what could possibly have just gone through her head. She stared at the suddenly effervescent girl for a moment, before considering it herself.

_I wonder what he's up to, though. Is he fighting for his life?_

* * *

"Welcome, dear sir!"

"A brothel!?"

* * *

_Nah, he's probably molesting some unsuspecting girls, that _pervert_! _Saya thought viciously.

* * *

"Ahahahaha!" Naruto roared in laughter, with a beautiful girl giggling at his antics in each arm. Another was behind him, massaging his shoulders and back; her hands occasionally came a bit close to his nether regions, though she assured him that it was accidental on her part.

"And then what happened, Naruto-sama?" one of the surrounding girls asked. At the other end of the room, the manager of the bawdy-house looked on in amazement as the group of girls daintily laughed at Naruto's tale. The blond-haired ninja had come into the establishment not even knowing what it was, and practically all of his best girls had instantly zipped to the man without even being told to.

This particular brothel didn't particularly attract a lot of attention from customers because of the remote location, so all of the girls were rather picky, not to mention underpaid. To see them swarm a man so quickly was a sight that the manager had never seen.

And this particular ninja seemed rather wealthy as well, producing money seemingly out of thin air, which ended up making him seem even more charming to the women.

"Here you are, Naruto-sama!" one of the girls said, putting a grape in his mouth. Naruto was amused when he noticed that her fingers stayed in his mouth a little longer than necessary. Another girl approached him with sake.

"How about some sake, Naruto-sama? Unfortunately, this is the last of it that we have in our stores, but it would be our pleasure to serve you." the brunette informed him, delicately holding the saucer with her fingers. Naruto grinned appreciatively, and the girl put the saucer to his mouth, carefully pouring it into his mouth so as to not spill any onto him. Naruto drank it with pleasure.

He let out a content sigh after the girl had emptied the saucer of sake into his mouth.

"Now that's what I call good service!" Naruto exclaimed. He stuck his hand out and pulled on the air, trying to grab something that wasn't there.

Except now, it was.

As if by magic, a bag jingling with money appeared in his hand. The girls looked on in amazement. Naruto tossed the bag over to the manager, who caught it absentmindedly. He was still watching the scene in wonderment.

"Manager, here's a bonus for all the ladies!" Naruto said, causing all the girls to giggle again.

"Naruto-sama, may I also get a taste of the sake?" another girl, this time a redhead, asked him, "Of course, since you drank the last of it, it'll have to be _lip. To. Lip._"

Naruto laughed uproariously at her advance.

"Naruto-sama, are you sure you don't want to retire to a... _private_ room?" one of the girls interrupted, and all the other nodded in appreciative agreement. Naruto grinned, but shook his head nonetheless.

"Now, now girls; I've already told you, I'm on a mission! And besides, this is pleasure enough for me!" Naruto told them, accepting another grape from one of the girls. Some of the girls pouted, but they laughed at Naruto's consideration nonetheless.

While Naruto did tend to frequent brothels, he very rarely ever initiated sex with any of the prostitutes that worked in them. Very few women working in brothels willing chose to be there; most of them were forced into those situations because of debt, sometimes by even their husbands or fathers. While Naruto had grown considerably loose in terms of morality since leaving Konoha behind, he still did not condone the idea of having sex with an unwilling woman, so he would visit brothels to give these women some respite from their situation; he would instead sit there and just talk.

The plus side was that some of these women ended up choosing to have sex with him on their own accord, having been provoked by Naruto's 'empathy' and 'thoughtfulness'. It was a win-win situation; the women that were forced into these situations got someone that somewhat cared, and a more willing woman meant less work was required on Naruto's part.

He was doing the world a favour... really.

These women did not seem so unwilling, but before anything else could be done to convince the whiskered blond, the door to the brothel slid open for the second time that day, revealing a small group of men. The manager snapped out of his stupor and rushed to the door to greet the possible customers.

"Welcome!"

All of the newcomers looked on in wonderment at the gaggle of ladies surrounding a single man. One man pushed past them and stepped into the brothel.

"Yo, manager-san. I've got a deal for you!" the man, supposedly the leader of the group, informed the manager of the brothel, "We've got about five-hundred gallons of sake sealed into several scrolls with us, but we don't have any cash to spend. How about a trade: we'll give you all of the sake for one night with the girls for me and all my men."

The manager bowed deeply before replying.

"I'm very sorry, sir, but we only deal in money. If you cannot pay, then I'll have to ask you to move along." the manager apologetically informed the man. Naruto perked up at the man's offer.

"Five hundred gallons? Where did you get five hundred gallons of sake?" he asked curiously. One of the men grinned.

"We 'found' it." he told Naruto, grinning at the blond, "Well, rather, Kyousuke-san 'found' it."

Before Naruto could consider this, the leader of the group, Kyousuke, sighed sadly, shaking his head. While he was certain that he and his men could have easily overpowered the manager and forcibly take the women anyway, there was a single rule that guided most missing-nin that had not attained the rank of S: don't attract attention. So Kyousuke just turned away from the manager, mourning the loss of both a place to stay and the touch of a woman.

Naruto watched the man walking away with narrowed eyes; there was just something about this situation that didn't sit well with him.

_That sake..._ Naruto thought, _Five hundred gallons is a lot of sake for someone to just come across._

When realizations struck, Naruto quickly hatched a plan of action. No matter what, he could not let that sake leave the brothel.

"Oy." Naruto called on the man, who turned around, "Wait a minute."

"Yeah? What is it?" the Iwa missing-nin asked the Konoha missing-nin. Naruto regarded him for a moment before speaking up.

"That sake... you said it was five hundred gallons?" Naruto asked him. When Kyousuke nodded in confirmation, Naruto grinned.

"I'll offer you a deal. I'll pay for your stay here and you give all of that sake to me." Naruto said to the man, who looked at him startled.

"What, really?" he asked, and all the men outside cheered and entered the premises quickly approaching the girls, who seemed to back away from the unwanted company, frightened of the unwanted company. Naruto smirked.

"Just one rule."

All of the men stopped their advances as did the retreating women stop their withdrawal, looking at the smirking blond. Naruto hugged the girls in each arm closer to his body, and they relaxed into him, basking in the unnatural warmth of his body.

"If a girl don't want to do nothing, then she don't have to do anything." Naruto told the men, "Take it or leave it."

The men looked at him outraged.

"What the fuck man!? We didn't come all this way just to not get laid!" one of them yelled as his comrades tittered about angrily, "Just what the hell is stopping us from burning this place to the ground and taking all the women anyway!?"

At the man's comment, the previously giggling girls suddenly became nervous and scared.

"Hey, wait a minute! We... we didn't do anything to you!" one of the brunettes said to the collective group; Naruto absentmindedly noticed that it was the girl who had fed him grapes.

To the disquiet of all of the whores, the arson-happy man took an angry step forward, but Naruto decided to interrupt before matters could escalate any further.

"Gentlemen, you are very mistaken about what it is you really need. The true delight of a woman is not the pleasure of her flesh, but the pleasure of her very presence." Naruto spoke up, once again attracting everyone's attention. He once again reached out and this time pulled out a fedora from the air and placed it on his head crookedly, letting the front cover his eyes as he looked down, cool as can be.

_Kaaah! That was the perfect line!_ Naruto happily thought as he discretely observed the star-struck looks that the women were giving him, _I can't wait to see Kongou's face when I tell him that I got twelve hot girls to approach _me_ for sex!_

If there was one thing that Naruto had learned about women since he had left Konoha, it was that most were passionate about chivalrous and virtuous men; if a guy played his cards right, that passion could turn to him in ways no man would ever have thought possible.

"We accept."

Kyousuke's declaration broke Naruto from his daydreams. His men, Naruto noticed, did not seem quite happy about his decision. But missing-nin named Kyousuke ignored their complaints in favour of observing Naruto with slightly narrowed eyes.

_That trick with the hat... _Kyousuke thought to himself, _this guy must be a ninja, and not just any ordinary one. His lack of worry is also troubling. If I'm right... we wouldn't survive a fight with this guy._

Naruto just stared back at Kyousuke curiously, not giving any notion that he was capable of reading minds. Because he wasn't.

Of course, that didn't mean that Naruto couldn't make a few estimated guesses. As soon as Kyousuke had stepped forward, Naruto had recognized him as a cut above his companions, and believed that Kyousuke would be more able to assess threats than his men. And Naruto was quite sure that Kyousuke would consider him to be a threat.

And he'd be right. While Naruto was quite certain that Kyousuke and his companions would certainly be able to bring down the brothel easily, if he so wished, Naruto could bring down the entire mountain.

"Good choice! Now, how about those scrolls?"

* * *

"Whahahaha!" Naruto laughed along with Kyousuke, both rolling around in mirth next to each other, "Man, you're pretty good at causing havoc! Tell me, did she find out that you replaced her lipstick with super-glue?"

Kyousuke shook his head, laughing along with the blond as they gulped down the sake together.

"And then when she went out to meet with the bastard again..." Kyousuke spoke, "Well, let's just say she was in a very sticky situation."

Naruto and Kyousuke roared in laughter at the bad pun. Kyousuke wiped a tear of laughter from his eye as he watched one of the girls feed Naruto a grape. Even after they had made the deal, none of the girls had been willing to sleep with him or any of his men, much to their disgruntlement, but Naruto had persuaded some of the girls to be a bit more courteous.

Even with Naruto's insistence, the brothel workers had still been stubborn about not leaving the blond, but after Naruto promised to retire to a more _private_ setting with all of them at night, they had suddenly become enthusiastic. Kyousuke had no idea how Naruto had done it, but the blond had somehow switched the role of men and women in the affairs of carnal desire. It was usually a power that women held over men, but these women ached for sex with the whiskered blond instead.

"Well, it was a pretty embarrassing situation for both of them." Kyousuke said, finishing both his story and his bottle of sake, "But I think she got the proper punishment for cheating on me. I do feel kind of sorry for the guy though; I heard that the doctors had to rip the skin from his dick."

Naruto and Kyousuke simultaneously winced at the unwanted image that had crossed their minds. Naruto shook his head as if trying to rattle the disturbing thoughts out of his head. He slowly looked around the room, watching as the men were futilely trying to coerce the brothel girls into intimate relations, all while drinking away Naruto's sake.

If Naruto had been less inebriated and more of clearer mind, he might have noticed something was wrong with this picture, but he ignored the odd feeling of impending doom in favour of drinking the delicious sake that a black-haired girl was offering him.

* * *

"Hahaha, yeah, I shtole thish sak- huh- e from a shipment for shome town called Furou or something." Kyousuke told the blond, barely awake. Naruto giggled.

"Hey, don't you mean you... 'found' it?" he replied, and both he and Kyousuke erupted in laughter. The girls that were currently in charge of feeding Naruto grapes and serving him sake tittered at Naruto's lame joke.

"But that'sh kinda odd! I'm from a town called Furou, and our sake's been shtolen!" Naruto frowned, stroking his chin thoughtfully as if there were something odd about it, "What a coincidence!"

Kyousuke drunkenly laughed at the 'coincidence'. But before Naruto could ponder this happenstance any more, one of the girls suddenly grabbed onto his arm. He was sufficiently drunk, and would probably not offer any more resistance to their advances.

"Come Naruto-sama, it's rather late and we'd best be getting to... _bed_." the girl said, speaking to the blond in a sultry tone. All of the girls gathered once more, crowding around the blond in anticipation of a long night. But before he was led away by the enamoured women, Naruto spoke out once more.

"Wait, I wanted a picshurr! Me and all the girls!" Naruto slurred, "Oy, manager-saaaaan!"

The manager came into the room, wearily looking at the blond.

"Yes?"

"Picshurr?"

The manager raised a single eyebrow.

"And do you have a camera?"

Naruto frowned at his question before patting down his clothes.

"Now, where did I put it... _oh, right!_" Naruto exclaimed, snapping his finger in realization. He pulled a camera out of the air and handed it to the manager, who was no longer awed by Naruto's tricks, having seen them many times throughout the day.

As the manager aimed the camera at the blond, the girls gathered around him, eager to get in the photo. There was a girl on each side kissing his cheek, while one was standing behind him with her lips on his neck. The other girls sandwiched them in, all trying to rub against the jinchuuriki in some manner, resulting in a very tight cabal with a very blond Naruto in the middle.

"Banzai!" Naruto cheered with a large grin on his face, giving the camera a victory sign.

"Banzai!" the girls merrily repeated after him, and the camera flashed, indicating that the photo had been taken. Immediately, they dragged the blond away, intent on having their way with him in a more isolated area. Naruto, startled at the sudden reaction of the prostitutes, held his hand out to the manager. To the manager's amazement, the camera suddenly flew out of his hands and into Naruto's, disappearing when it touched the blond.

"Later, Shashuke!" Naruto called, before completely being forced out of the room, but Kyousuke had already passed out cold and so was unable to respond.

Far away, Uchiha Sasuke smiled, using a hand seal to dispel the technique that he had cast upon the Iwa missing-nin.

_You've done well for yourself, Naruto._

* * *

"Huuuuuuuh! My head..."

If there was just one thing that Naruto hated about the Kyuubi, it was that while he could cure almost any wound or injury short of dismemberment, he couldn't cure Naruto's hangovers after a night of heavy drinking. What the hell else was the fox good for?

Naruto focused the yang chakra of the Kyuubi, intent on hydrating his body to help with the hangover. The aching blond formed water-natured chakra in his brain first, allowing it to swell back to its original size and, he noticed with relief, the headache slowly ebbed away.

Alcohol caused major dehydration in the body, and the organs drained water from the brain in order to make up for their own loss of water, but that of course left the brain to deflate in size which pulled on the membranes connecting it to the skull, which in turn caused the headache that most drinkers felt in the morning.

Or so Saya said.

Whatever it was, all Naruto knew was that replenishing his body with water helped, and that's all that he really cared about.

Feeling much better than a moment ago, Naruto sat up and looked around the room. He was in an enormous bed capable of fitting at least six people. The room was quite bare apart from the bed and a loveseat, and there was a solitary window that was obscured by a curtain. Then he turned his gaze upon the nicer aspects in the room, which were of course the dozen female bodies.

The dozen _naked_ female bodies.

_Dude,_ Naruto smirked, thinking back to the events of the previous night, _I fucking _rule_._

Then, the memories of the previous night left Naruto a nervous wreck.

_Shit! They drank the sake! They drank the sake! _I_ drank the sake!_

Naruto now remembered the feeling that he had been getting all night long. He hadn't recognized it then, but he sure did now. It was a feeling of foreboding.

_Saya is going to fucking kill me._

* * *

_I feel the sudden urge to murder Naruto._ Saya thought, as she looked out the window of her bar, wondering what kind of tomfoolery the errant blond was up to now.

"Sake, please."

The voice snapped her out of her thoughts, and Saya turned to its originator. A rather handsome raven-haired man, probably around Naruto's age watched her with an amused expression on his face. Saya couldn't help but blush in embarrassment; he had caught her off guard.

"Yes, right away sir!"

Saya quickly got the man his alcohol, feeling his eyes on her the entire way. She couldn't help but feel slightly disgusted at the thought of him ogling her, but when she turned around, she noticed that he wasn't even looking in her direction, but rather out the window like she had been earlier.

"Here you are, sir." Saya said, serving the man a bottle and a saucer.

"Thank you."

The man accepted his sake, pouring it into the saucer and taking a sip.

"My name is Sasuke." he informed the brunette bartender.

Saya regarded him for a moment, as if judging his motives, before replying.

"...Saya."

Sasuke gave her a hint of a smirk before returning his gaze to the window.

"Who were you remembering?" Sasuke asked her. Saya looked at him curiously, not understanding his question. Sasuke smiled at her confusion.

"When you were looking out the window." Sasuke said, clearing up her confusion. Saya regarded him carefully, being more on guard at his attempt to pry into her thoughts.

"Why do you ask?" Saya asked him warily; if he were a ninja, she had best stay on guard. Little did Saya know that Sasuke _was_ a ninja, and a very accomplished one at that, but he had no nefarious intentions against her, so there wasn't much to worry about.

"It must have been someone you're in love with, judging by the look on your face." Sasuke told her, ignoring her question. Saya looked at him, surprised at his declaration. She turned away from Sasuke, meaning to end the conversation there and then with that gesture.

_Me? In love with... _Naruto_?_ Saya thought to herself, disbelieving, _Ugh, I don't want to be involved with that pervert in that sort of way! But... why would he think that?_

The man's comment had left her even more off guard, so Saya turned around to question him... only to find that he was no longer there. And Saya was left standing there, gazing at the spot where the dark-haired man had just sat for a few minutes, his observations having very deeply unsettled her.

Then her mind caught up to her situation.

_He left without paying!_

* * *

The rookie known as Ginji sighed.

_Guard duty sucks._

Being a newbie to the company, Ginji was immediately appointed to one of the more boring duties, which was of course guard duty. All the other veteran deliverers would be getting all the action, while Ginji would be forced to just sit back and watch the sake. It wasn't fair to him; he had been spoiling for some action! It wasn't like anybody was stupid enough to steal sake from one of the major hidden villages, especially one as volatile as Kumogakure.

Yet here he was, guarding the sake while all the 'veterans' got to have fun.

"Oi, rookie! You can take a break." one of the so-called veterans informed him, "You rest easy now, we'll take over. This territory is a bit more dangerous, so we need more skilled eyes watching the sake."

Ginji resisted the urge to grumble at the subtle dig that the man had at him. Instead, he nodded his head in affirmation and walked away to use a restroom before setting out with the group again.

On his way, he noticed a blond man with strange whisker-markings on his cheeks walk past him towards the caravan with the sake.

"How do you do?" the man asked him politely. Ginji, surprised at being addressed by the total stranger, stammered back a greeting.

"He-hello!"

Cursing himself for stuttering, Ginji took a deep breath and spoke again.

"I'm fine, and yourself?"

"Basking in the warmth of the sun! She radiates such a glow on a day like this," the man said to Ginji, "that I feel almost unworthy to stand underneath her tender rays."

Ginji blinked at the man's strange response, and blinked once more when the man removed a hat from his pack and gave it to him.

"Best to cover yourself, because when in the presence of such beauty as the sun, it's heat may be unforgiving. Better to be safe than scorched, as they always say, correct?"

Ginji could only nod, unsure of what to say to this strange man.

"After all..." the man continued, looking at the sky, "All it takes is a flash, and you'll find yourself missing whatever is precious to you, be it your love or your charge. But, I digress; it's time for me to depart. Good day to you!"

And with that, the man bounded away, leaving behind a dumbstruck Ginji.

_What. The. Hell. Was that!_

Shaking his head in disbelief, Ginji kept on walking towards the restrooms. But before he could relieve his bladder, he heard yells from the caravan. Ginji immediately turned and ran, wondering what had happened.

_Were they attacked!?_

But when he got there, he could only see his teammates staring at their cart in disbelief. At least a quarter of the sake was missing!

"What happened!?" Ginji asked, running to the group. The men looked at him shakily.

"I don't know how it happened!" the man said, wringing his hands in worry, "I was looking at it the whole time! It just disappeared in a flash!"

The man's words struck Ginji harder than any blow ever had.

_All it takes is a flash, and you'll find yourself missing whatever is precious to you..._ Ginji thought, remembering the words of the whiskered blond, _No way..._

"How much of it is missing!?" Ginji demanded, and the men were too shaken to rebuke the rookie's stipulation.

"It must be around five-hundred gallons... oh Kami-sama! _Five-hundred gallons_!"

Already far away, Uzumaki Naruto grinned.

_That was too easy._

* * *

Still at the brothel, Naruto grinned at the memory of the Kage Bunshin that had returned to him.

_Operation: success!_

"You will come back won't you, Naruto-sama?" one of the girls asked him, teary eyed. Kyousuke and his group had already departed, and soon it would be Naruto's turn to go. While he wouldn't mind staying, Saya's anger would be fearsome if he didn't return on time.

"I'll try, girls, I'll definitely try!" Naruto told them, "If I'm ever in the area, I'll be sure to drop by!"

"Are you sure we can't come with you?" another girl asked him, gaining murmurs of agreement from her fellow prostitutes. They had requested this earlier as well, almost giving the manager a heart attack, but Naruto had gently shot down the idea.

"Not this time girls; I'm going to have to travel really fast, and as much as I'd love a slower and more... _pleasurable_ trip, I can't afford to be late. Maybe next time?" Naruto told them, trying to calm them down. If there was one thing that didn't mix, it was Naruto and over-sentimental girls.

Outside of sex, that is.

"Well, I'd better set out! See ya!"

Naruto took a leap off the mountain, much to the shock of the girls, but he gently sailed the grassy ground below, relieving them of their worry. Looking up at the mountain, Naruto noticed that neither the girls nor the brothel were visible, so he ran away towards Furou.

Once he reached a forest, the blond jinchuuriki immediately leaped to the trees, jumping from branch to branch in order to travel faster. As he sailed through the forest, the blond did not notice a pair of rather feminine eyes that regarded him with shock and recognition.

_That was... Uzumaki Naruto?_

* * *

**END**

* * *

**Well, this chapter was almost twice the size of the previous one, so... cheers! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. There wasn't really any action in it, though I hope that Naruto's abilities do seem intriguing; they'll eventually be explained. I believe that the first bout of action will come in chapter 4. **

**Also, for those wondering about any of my other projects, namely Furuenjin and Owl Treats; I haven't really worked on the next chapters for them, but I'll try to get them out within August, though I make no promises. I've been struck with inspiration lately; in fact, I did at least eighty percent of this chapter within the last four days.**

**Thanks to everyone that reviewed for the previous chapter, and I hope people will continue to review. If you can spend enough time reading this far, then a review shouldn't be too much trouble.**

**Thanks for reading,**

**knuckz**


	3. Extreme Handball Misery!

What's New, Naruto?

By knuckz

* * *

Summary: Uzumaki Naruto was not kicked out of Konoha; he left of his own accord. Not enough money, and no health or dental coverage? It was a bad job, really. Swearing and mature themes.

* * *

**Warning: I don't normally do this, but this chapter (and possibly oncoming chapters) has material that might prove pretty offensive to readers. Nothing racist or anything of the like, but it has some dark humour (mostly just the first hospital flashback), so just... be warned!**

* * *

**03 – Extreme Handball Misery!!!**

* * *

_"Naruto?"_

_Naruto turned to look at his female bed-mate, eyebrow raised in question._

_"Yeah?"_

_"Have you ever been in love before?" she asked him, curiously gazing into his cerulean eyes._

_"Hmm... well, there was one time where I thought I was in love." he replied, looking back at the ceiling,_ "_I was still a kid back then, and well, I didn't really know what love was."_

_She grinned at him._

_"Oh really? And who was this girl?" she asked, her tone rather mischievous. She fingered his bare chest, gently stroking it._

_"You've met her." Naruto told his companion, "She was my teammate."_

_"Oh!" she exclaimed, a looking of dawning comprehension on her face, "The pink-haired girl. Umm... what was her name again?"_

_"Haruno Sakura." Naruto informed her. The woman snapped her fingers in remembrance._

_"That's it! Sakura-chan!" she said, her memory of the girl returning, "So what happened? It didn't work out between you two?"_

_"It didn't even _happen_ between us." Naruto corrected her, "She was so caught up with our other teammate. Back then, she wouldn't even give me the time of day. Actually, she was pretty ruthless with me."_

_She chuckled at his explanation._

_"It's no laughing matter!" the blond complained, "Her punches really hurt!"_

_This only caused the dark-haired beauty next to him to laugh harder. Her laughter was so melodious, so captivating, that Naruto couldn't help but chuckle alongside her._

_"Well..." he said, "I guess it _was_ kind of funny. I used to think that the more she hit me, the more likely it was that she loved me. But well, that wasn't the case. She only had eyes for Sasuke. Most people did."_

_The woman gave the blond a sympathetic look, and she stroked his cheek softly._

_"Oh Naruto... You don't have to worry about her any more. If she couldn't see what she had right in front of her, then she doesn't deserve you." she assured him, "Besides, I should be glad that she didn't take notice of you, else we might not have had what we have now."_

_Naruto smiled at her._

_"Yeah. I definitely don't regret it." Naruto told her, staring her right back in the eyes. Naruto felt her arms reach around him, gathering him closer to her naked body. Her ruby lips approached his at an almost excruciatingly slow pace; he could feel her breath on his face._

_"I love you, Naruto." she whispered, her words tugging at his heart._

_"I love you too..." he replied; he meant it._

_They embraced._

* * *

_"I love you too..." the blond replied._

"Saya-chan? Hello, is anybody in there?"

"Wha- what?"

Saya snapped out of her daze, looking to the owner of the voice, who regarded her amusedly.

"Having a nice day dream?" The beautiful Seisumi Azusa regarded the brunette bartender with a smirk playing on her full, ruby lips. Despite being quite mature, Azusa had an allure that could attract the attention of every man in the vicinity; and it did. Rather than the downright and typically sexy look that most younger women went for, Azusa instead retained a sense of dignity and sensuality that not just any woman could achieve. She carried herself with an air of nobility, dressed modestly yet still looking like royalty. One look at her, and one's senses just screamed experienced; one touch from her could drive a man crazy with pleasure.

Along with the fact that she was a doctor, Azusa was a woman that could have come straight out of a man's dreams.

Saya flushed with embarrassment at being caught off guard.

_What is it with me these days...?_ Saya thought, _I'm always caught off guard._

"Ahaha, sorry, sorry. I sort of lost myself there." Saya apologized to the woman. Azusa waved it off.

"No worries, Saya-chan. Thought, if I may ask, what was it you were dreaming of?" Azusa asked. Saya flushed a bit deeper, but thankfully, Fuu came to her rescue.

"Moooooom! I thought you said Naruto-niichan would be here!" she said, pulling on Azusa's hand. Fuu pouted when her mom motioned for her to sit.

"Now now, Fuu-chan. I'm sure that Naruto-kun will be here soon; after all, his mission should have ended not too long ago." Azusa assured her daughter, "Now, how about some lunch?"

She had said the magic words.

"Waaai! Let's eat, let's eat!" Fuu exclaimed. Saya immediately started making a sizeable portion of food for the mother and daughter, knowing of Fuu's eating habits. The little girl could put away more food than grown men several times her size. It was quite a remarkable sight to see her eat, and a little bit frightening as well.

As Saya prepared their lunch, chatting amiably with Azusa all the while, neither of them noticed a certain blond haired shinobi enter the bar. The other customers however, did.

As Naruto walked past a group of men playing a game of cards, one of them called him.

"Oi, Naruto."

Naruto turned to the man who had called him; Naruto didn't recognize him, but it was quite obvious that the man was a miner.

"Yo. What's up?" Naruto replied easily, not perturbed that the man knew him. Most of the older people in the town knew who he was.

"You down for a game of Old Maid?" he asked the blond, riffling the deck of cards in his hand. Naruto shook his head.

"Nah, I prefer younger women. I don't have time to play your deviant sexual games." Naruto said offhandedly, at which one of the younger men at the table grumbled.

"Why the hell did you even invite this bastard anyway?" he grumbled, and Naruto recognized him with a start.

"Well, well, if it isn't Keitaro!" Naruto said jovially, though there was a certain mischievous edge to his tone. Keitaro scowled at being singled out.

"What the hell do you want, you fucker?" Keitaro said in a low voice, glaring at the blond. Naruto smirked at him, holding up his hands in defeat.

"Nothing, nothing. What's wrong, old pal?" Naruto asked. He noted out of the corner of his eye that Saya, Azusa, and Fuu still hadn't noticed him.

"I'm not your _pal_." Keitaro bit out, "Get lost, you bastard."

"My, my, what ferociousness! I'm going, don't worry. But... I did mean to tell you..." Naruto spoke, the mischievousness in his voice almost palpable, "Your mom says hi."

At the mention of his mother, Keitaro's glare turned murderous, as if daring Naruto to say something else. Naruto wasn't intimidated in the least.

"Oh, and she also says: 'oh God, yes!'" Naruto told him, smirking. Keitaro abruptly shot up from his seat, spitting at the blond in anger.

"What the fuck did you say, you bastard!?" he yelled, attracting the attention of everyone in the bar. It also alerted Saya and Azusa to Naruto's presence (Fuu was too caught up with her lunch). However, before things could escalate any more, one of the men at the table tugged on Keitaro's shirt.

"Come on, Keitaro-kun. Calm down, you know Naruto's like that." he said soothingly, trying to calm down the enraged boy. Reluctantly, Keitaro sank back into his seat, glaring at Naruto all the way. Smirking at the boy one last time, Naruto made his way to where Saya was standing, giving Naruto a disapproving look.

"Yo! How ya doing?" Naruto exclaimed cheerfully, as if nothing had just happened. Saya scowled at him.

"Ah, welcome back, Naruto-kun." Azusa replied, her tone rather sultry. Naruto grinned at her.

"Naruto, why do you always have to mess with Keitaro like that?" she asked, ignoring his greeting, "You know he's sensitive about his mother."

"Kid deserves it, fucking with me like that." Naruto replied, grimacing at the memory.

When Saya had first introduced Naruto to Keitaro, he had felt sympathetic with the boy. Keitaro had lost his father at an early age to a mining accident and had been forced to work in order to provide for himself and his mother. Without his father there, Keitaro was fiercely protective of his rather beautiful mother. Naruto had at first thought that Keitaro might be a kindred spirit, but Keitaro had taken Naruto's sympathies and publicly humiliated the blond in return, saying things that struck a chord that Naruto would rather stay buried. Unable to beat up the arrogant boy since he was still a civilian, Naruto had decided to respond in true Naruto fashion: he slept with Keitaro's mother.

It was an added bonus that she was apparently a screamer in bed because the day after, practically the entire town knew about it. Naruto had gotten his revenge, and Keitaro had hated the blond ever since.

Naruto grinned at the memories.

_Good times, good times..._

"Aren't you ever going to let it drop, Naruto?" Saya asked him, almost pleadingly. Naruto shook his head.

"What he did was... _unforgiveable_." he replied, before reaching out. Producing a scroll out of thin air, Naruto tossed it to Saya, who caught it unexpectedly.

"There's your sake."

Saya just glowered at him, which only caused Naruto to grin even more. He absolutely loved pissing that girl off; she was cute when she was angry. His mood now even more cheerful, Naruto turned lovingly to Azusa.

"Azusa-chaaaaan!" he cried out, jumping onto her lap, "I missed you soooo much!"

Naruto clung to her on her lap, his body pressing up against hers. He felt her two trademark features pressing up against his chest.

'Mission accomplished.' he thought, delighted at the feel of her sizeable breasts against his chest. He was about the only person in town (other than her husband) that could get away with such behaviour.

"Ara, Naruto-kun, I am glad to see you as well!" Azusa replied, unflustered at the blonds' forwardness. She was quite used to it, in fact.

"Azusa-chan! Let's skip this joint and reunite in true fashion; how about in my bed?" Naruto remarked innocently. Azusa let out a dainty laugh, her hand covering her mouth.

"My, my! I would be delighted to, Naruto-kun, but alas, I am married so it is for naught." Azusa replied, her tone sounding apologetic. Naruto playfully pouted, getting off of Azusa's lap; he was a grown man after all, and though she didn't show it, his weight was probably straining her.

"Ah, too bad." he replied, taking a seat on the stool next to the mature woman. Saya shot Naruto a dirty glance at his shameless flirting with the married woman; Fuu remained oblivious, her entire focus on the food she was eating.

"So how is life?" he asked her, "Everything going okay at the hospital?"

"It has been getting quite busy these days." Azusa told him, sighing wearily, "We've been experiencing a sudden boom in patients."

"Want me to help out?" Naruto asked. Naruto had volunteered at the local hospital several times before, especially during times like these where there was an influx of patients. Most people that didn't know him too well thought that he was being humanitarian when really, he was just hoping to play doctor with a hot patient.

Or a hot nurse. Or a hot doctor. It didn't really matter which, as long as the woman was hot.

"No, no, I wouldn't want to trouble you like that, especially since you've just returned from your mission." Azusa hurriedly told him, "Moreover, the last time you rendered us your help, there was quite a bit of trouble. Do you not remember what happened last time?"

Naruto gave her a confused look, as if he had no clue what happened last time.

_Naruto walked into the room where a lone female sat, clipboard in hand and white coat over his regular clothes, completing the doctor look. The woman looked at him, confused as to why he was there._

_"Hello, I'm filling in for Seisumi-san today; she's otherwise occupied. The name's Naruto." the blond informed the nervous woman._

"_Now," he said, looking at the notes attached to the clipboard, "You were waiting for your tests results, correct?"_

_The woman nodded her assent. Naruto peered at the notes, before looking up at the woman._

"_Well, I've got some bad news and good news for you." he said, "The bad news is that you tested positive for cancer. You'll be dead in about 2 months."_

_Tears sprang to her eyes, as she cried silently at her fate. _

"_What- what's the good news?" she asked, both hopeful and fearful._

"_You're PREGNANT!" Naruto exclaimed joyfully, arms outstretched. The woman openly started sobbing, sinking to the floor in despair._

"_Wait. Shit." Naruto looked back at the clipboard, as the woman lay on the floor, curled into the foetal position, sobbing miserably._

"Or the time before that." Azusa continued.

_"So doc, do you have anything for my headaches?" the man asked. Naruto, reading a comic hidden inside the doctor's notes absentmindedly pointed to a cup. The man took the cup and downed the liquid in one go, grimacing at the taste._

_"Ugh! What _was_ that?" he asked, coughing at the horrible taste. Naruto reluctantly tore his eyes away from his comic to look at the cup in the patients hands._

_"Huh? Oh, that was your urine sample." Naruto said._

"Or the time before that." Azusa repeated.

_Naruto walked into the room where the patient was nervously waiting for him, once again holding a clipboard. As soon as the blonde entered the room, the man jumped up, anxious to know his future (or lack thereof)._

_"So how is it doc? Do I have cancer?" the brown-haired man asked him, his face twisted in fear and apprehension. Naruto, who had looked quite disgruntled as he walked into the room, immediately brightened._

_"Well, hold your hand in front of your face, and if it's bigger than your face, then you have cancer!" Naruto informed him. The man looked at the whiskered blond sceptically._

_"I thought that was just a myth." the man said, but did as instructed... only for Naruto to shove his hand into his face._

_The blond erupted in laughter._

_"Bwahahahaha! I can't believe you fell for that!" Naruto roared in laughter, slapping his knees in hysterics. The patient just stared at the blond in disbelief, even as Naruto's laughter slowly died away. The two were left regarding each other in an awkward silence._

_Naruto glanced at the clipboard in his hand before looking back at the man, breaking the silence._

_"...You have 30 days to live."_

"As well as the time before that." Azusa repeated once more.

_"Agh! Doc, I've got something in my eyes! It won't come out!" the man cried out painfully, holding his hand to his face._

_"Quick!" Naruto exclaimed hastily, "Stop, drop, and roll!"_

_The man dropped to the floor, rolling around in pain._

_"It isn't helping!" he shouted, still rolling around in vain. Naruto gave him a confused look._

_"You didn't ask for help." he replied._

"And the time before th-"

"Alright, alright." Naruto cut in, ending Azusa's tales of his ineptitude and tomfoolery as a substitute doctor, "Yeesh, I was only trying to be funny."

"I think the world could do without your kind of help, Naruto." Saya said, glaring at the blond. Naruto noticed that she seemed to be in a foul mood; well... a fouler mood than usual.

"Yes, the hospital has received a few lawsuits since you've volunteered there." Azusa said, still smiling as if all was right in the world.

Naruto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"Well, look at the bright side: at least those cancer patients won't be much trouble!" he said, laughing shamefacedly, "Ahaha..."

"Naruto-niichan!" Fuu screamed, slamming into him for a hug. And judging by the darkening look on Saya's face, it was right on time. The girl had a knack for being right on time.

_It'll be a useful ability when she's older._ Naruto mused jokingly.

"Hey squirt! How ya been!?" Naruto asked, picking her up and settling her in his lap.

"Bored!" she exclaimed, "I was waiting for you to come back the whole time!"

Naruto laughed, and began tickling the girl's sides inciting her to laugh uncontrollably. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Saya watching them with a small smile on her face.

_ Fuu, you miraculous child, _Naruto thought fondly, _You've saved my life yet again!_

"Well, now that I'm back, what're you gonna do!?" he asked her, his tickle-attack unrelenting. Fuu laughed herself to tears, crying out for the blond to stop. Deciding to give the girl mercy, Naruto stopped. Immediately, the brunette scrabbled up and put arms around his neck, hugging him again.

"So what'd you get me?" she asked him, with all the innocence of a child. Naruto stroked his chin, pretending to think about it.

"Hmm..." he started, "Oh, that's right!"

Naruto snapped his fingers, and he was suddenly holding a... questionable item in his hand. Azusa immediately interrupted their conversation.

"Naruto-kun? You wouldn't happen to be giving my daughter used women's panties, would you?" she asked him smilingly, her tone as pleasant as it always was, her head slightly tilted to the side to complete the look.

Naruto saw death in that smile.

Without a thought, Naruto banished the item away again.

"Oops," he remarked innocently, "Wrong item, hehe. My bad."

Naruto reached out again, and this time, pulled out a safer article of clothing: a children's ninja costume, complete with mask and headband.

"Here ya go, squirt." he said, giving the young brunette her gift. She snatched it from his hands and hopped away immediately.

"Yay, thank you Naruto-niichan!" she yelled, running away to most likely dress up in her ninja costume and show off to the other children.

"You should not spoil her so, Naruto-kun." Azusa remarked, apparently unworried that her daughter was leaving her sight. Naruto shrugged.

"If I didn't spoil her, then who would?" he easily replied. The correct answer was: the rest of the town. However, before their conversation could be continued any further, they heard the noises of a collision near the entrance of the bar. Looking over, they saw Fuu on the floor and a rather tall blonde woman looking down curiously at the little girl who had crashed into her.

"Ah, sorry. Here." the woman said, offering the fallen Fuu a hand up. Naruto did not immediately recognize the woman, though he did get an inkling that he knew who she was. A feeling of dread made its way into Naruto's stomach. Fuu accepted the woman's hand up.

"Thank you!" she said, formally bowing, before running around the woman and out the bar. The woman watched her leave with an amused expression on her face before making her way to where Naruto was sitting. As she approached, Naruto realized with a start exactly who this woman was.

_Oh shit oh shit oh shit!_ Naruto thought frantically. The woman walked to the front, coming closer and closer to Naruto, who had frozen in shock. However, rather than stopping in front of him, the blonde walked right past the demon container and sat down on a stool right next to him. Naruto forced himself to calm down and swiveled back to face the front.

"Water, please." the woman asked Saya, who had been observing the scene silently behind the counter. Saya quickly fetched the woman a clean glass of water, setting it in front of her.

"Water is free." Saya informed the woman, inconspicuously inspecting her. The blonde was obviously a kunoichi if her forehead protector was any indication, not to mention the various weapons that the woman seemed to carry with her. Saya could also see that Naruto was quite nervous at her presence, meaning that the two knew each other. And as Naruto was a missing-nin, and this woman was obviously not, it did not bode well for the blond.

"Thank you." the blonde kunoichi replied softly, and she drank from the glass quietly. Silence descended upon the four; Azusa quietly returned to eating her meal. Naruto suddenly broke it.

"_Well it's been good Saya see you later bye!_" Naruto spoke in one breath before abruptly standing to escape. The blonde kunoichi's hand suddenly snapped out and grabbed the back of Naruto's shirt as if grabbing a kitten by the scruff of its collar. Naruto whined, almost piteously, but dejectedly sank back into his seat, sufficiently cowed by the woman.

"It's been a long time, Uzumaki Naruto." the blonde woman said, addressing him for the first time. Naruto chuckled nervously, waving apprehensively at the woman.

"He- hey, Temari-san." he greeted the girl, "How ya doing?"

"I'm fine, though quite a bit surprised." Temari told the blond, never once looking at him. Her hand rested on the back of his collar, cutting off any chances of escape. Seeing the calmness that the Suna kunoichi was producing, Naruto decided to play it cool. Far be it from him to look so uncool in front of a woman, especially one as hot as Temari; Jiraiya would never forgive him.

"Oh, yeah? And how so?" Naruto replied smoothly, once he had sufficiently calmed down. Temari's eyes finally shifted towards Naruto's at his sudden aloofness.

"Well, considering that you are a missing-nin of Konoha, I did not think that I'd find you peacefully living your life in a town." Temari replied, her tone as cool as it had been, "Who would have thought that you had been hiding out in Spring Country all this time?"

The town of Furou was primarily a mining town located in Spring Country, which was formerly known as Snow Country. Built near the mountains, Furou was a place where many vagrants came, not to cause trouble, but rather to get away from the perilous life outside of towns. Most of these vagabonds were employed as miners, digging up jewels and coal from the nearby mountain.

In other words, it was a little known town, one that most people had never heard of, and that was one of the things that made it the perfect hideout for Naruto.

"Yeah, who would've thought, huh?" Naruto reiterated, "But then, you did find me."

"I did." Temari said, simply. Saya silently watched their exchange, while Azusa made it a point to eat her meal slowly, listening in on their conversation.

"Well, what do we do now?" Naruto asked, for the first time sounding solemn. Being caught by someone who knew him, someone who had ties with Konoha was something he had avoided to this day; being found by Temari would mean that Konoha would be alerted to his whereabouts, and Naruto was not yet ready to return to his hometown.

"Well," Temari replied, "If you were just anyone, I would've immediately informed the Godaime Hokage of your whereabouts; something I'm sure that she and many other Konoha shinobi would want to know."

Naruto smirked.

"But, I'm not _just_ anyone, am I?" Naruto repeated. Temari smirked back.

"That you aren't." Temari spoke softly, "You did save Gaara from certain death, so I've decided to give you the benefit of the doubt. Explain to me why you abandoned the Hidden Leaf, and I just might decide to have you safely put under the protection of Suna so that the Leaf doesn't _eviscerate_ you the moment they find you."

For the first time in their seemingly pleasant conversation, Temari's voice took a slightly harsher tone, showing Naruto exactly what she thought of him; he was sure it wasn't a nice thought. Naruto couldn't help but grimace. However, he could see no way out of this without killing the blonde kunoichi and that was something he would never do, so he just sighed in resignation.

"It's... a complicated story." Naruto told her, momentarily glancing at Saya and slightly frowning at the worried look on her face, "It might take a while to explain."

"I have lots of time." Temari told him; there was no way that he would be able to get out of this. Naruto simply sighed again before telling his tale, much to the quiet worries of Saya and Azusa.

"Saya, some alcohol please." Naruto said, speaking in soft tones, giving Temari a side-long glance, "For both of us. It'll be easier for me to speak. And it's on me."

Temari made no complaints, something that Naruto was glad for; it meant that she would be more tolerating of his tale. He gladly accepted the sake from Saya, giving her a grateful look.

"Well, to start off, I believe I left Konoha not long after the mission where we retrieved Gaara after the Akatsuki abducted him and Chiyo-baasan gave her life to revive him." Naruto started, "Originally, I had no plans to leave Konoha."

Temari looked at him sceptically.

"Right. And then you just up and left." she said scathingly. Rather than replying to her derisive words, Naruto opted to instead take a swig of the booze that Saya had set in front of him. Naruto absentmindedly noticed that it was the sake that he had just retrieved on his mission; Saya must have unsealed it when he wasn't looking. He didn't fail to notice that Temari didn't even reach for hers. There was a short silence before Naruto spoke again.

"There is a large difference between the climates in Konoha and Suna." Naruto spoke cryptically, staring at the glass on the counter in front of him, watching the bubbles rising to the top. Temari raised an eyebrow, unsure of what Naruto was talking about, while Saya remained just as in the dark as she was. It was here when Azusa finally spoke up again.

"Indeed." she said, attracting everyone's attention, "Suna has much warmer temperatures than Konoha, does it not? Though, I doubt that is the point you are trying to make."

Naruto smiled at her comment. Azusa was as decisive as ever, and she made no pretence of pretending to not listen to their conversation. It was obvious to Naruto and Temari that she and Saya were listening closely, and both blondes knew that the two eavesdroppers knew that they knew they were eavesdropping.

However, instead of acknowledging Azusa's comment, Naruto continued to speak to Temari.

"No matter how bad my life has been, I don't envy Gaara. I doubt I'd be alive today if there had been assassination attempts on my life when I was a kid. Even when I gained friends and support, Gaara remained alone; in some ways, his previous disrespect for life was justified." Naruto explained, "It's amazing that he's turned out the way he has. For him to take the high road like that... protecting the very people that wanted his death, it shows how respectable a person he is."

Temari's eyes softened at Naruto's words. She vividly remembered Gaara's sad childhood, and more often than not felt guilty that she played a part in contributing to her little brother's sadness, no matter how miniscule it.

"But, in some ways, Gaara had it easier than I did." Naruto continued. It was then that Temari remembered exactly what Naruto had in common with Gaara. She hadn't really comprehended it before due to Naruto's sunny disposition towards life, but the whiskered blond also held a demon within him. Naruto's life could not have been as cheerful as he made it out to be.

"Gaara... he knew where he stood with his village. He knew exactly what they thought of him, why they hated him... not exactly the most pleasant thought, but sometimes, knowing is better than not knowing." Naruto said, "Suna was at the very least direct about what they thought of him. They openly feared him; they were open with their secrets."

"Konoha was a lot more subtle. I never encountered straightforward opposition like Gaara did, but I still knew that I was resented. It wasn't visibly noticeable because nobody went around attacking me in public, but everyone knew and I knew that resentment existed. It was always there, underneath the underneath." Naruto said, quoting his once-sensei, "It's as if they were encouraging me to do my best to gain their acknowledgement, only not saying that no matter how hard I tried, they would still resent me. It's... disheartening to say the least, knowing that no matter what you do, no matter how you try to prove yourself, you'll never be acknowledged."

Naruto chuckled, noticing Temari's softening eyes.

"Of course, I was a brainless moron back then, always thinking that if I tried hard enough, they would accept me." Naruto said, "Even after I returned from my trip with Jiraiya, I was always optimistic. That changed after Gaara was captured."

Naruto took another swig of his alcohol and happily noticed that this time, Temari did so as well.

"When I saw the reception that Gaara received when we brought him back, I felt even more enthusiastic that one day, Konoha might look at me like that. But... when we went back..." Naruto trailed off. He immediately downed his glass for extra effect.

Of course, most of what he had just said was complete and utter bullshit. The people of Konoha were nowhere near as malicious as he was portraying them to be. Nobody really went out of their way to make his life miserable like he was making it out to be, but he _was_, for the most part, dismissed for the majority of his life, which was a pretty shitty deal regardless.

Sometimes, the best lie was an embellished truth.

"What happened?" Temari asked softly, downing her own bottle as well. Naruto motioned for Saya to refill it. So far, his plan was running along smoothly.

Naruto would tell her his story, get her drunk enough to feel bad for him, and would convince her to keep things quiet. And for once, he was not going to try and bed the girl; there was a slight chance that she might get attached because she knew him, and that would prove dangerous because she would have to return to Suna. If she ever decided to meet up with him again, she could easily be followed and Naruto could not risk that.

Actually, that wasn't it at all. Naruto was just fucking scared of what Gaara would do if he found out that Naruto had sex with his sister. He was also quite sure that the girl was dating Nara Shikamaru, but that was of little consequence. The Nara boy may have been extremely intelligent, but he was no match for Naruto in combat, of that the blond was absolutely sure.

"Naruto?"

Temari's hesitant voice broke him from his thoughts. He looked at her, startled for a moment, before shaking his head clear of his thoughts.

"Oh, sorry about that. Yeah, so we got back to Konoha all ready to go find my teammate, Uchiha Sasuke, using the information that we received from Akasuna no Sasori." Naruto began again, "But, I ended up overhearing something..."

Temari watched Naruto's face for reactions as he trailed off, feeling sorry for the blond. Naruto took the opportunity to put his acting skills to good use. Naruto sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of his nose tiredly.

"Well, a few of the village elders were talking about me, so I couldn't help but eavesdrop." Naruto started, "I'm not sure how it all started, but they were planning on persuading Tsunade to send me on a retrieval mission for them. But when instead of getting an item, I'd instead be ambushed by members of Akatsuki."

Temari's jaw snapped open slightly, and she stared at him with an unbelieving gaze and a small amount of pity. Naruto withheld his smirk. Pity was good; he could get away with pity.

Suffice to say, Naruto's tale was quite unbelievable, and no decent ninja was gullible enough believe the pile that Naruto was shovelling; and Temari was more than a decent kunoichi. However, Naruto also happened to know that Temari was a light-weight when it came to drinking, not unlike Rock Lee.

After he had returned from his three-year-long training trip with Jiraiya, Sakura had secretly confided in him about a time when the usual gang, which included Teams Gai, Asuma, Kurenai, her, and Temari, had gone out for a night on the town. After hitting various spots around Konoha, they had eventually ended up in a bar as night outs usually did, and their conversation topics had eventually turned to Sabaku no Gaara. Temari was inevitably pestered with questions about her red-headed brother, and the conversation had driven the blonde to drink.

And it was only after a few glasses of alcohol that Temari had been drunk enough to embarrass herself and pass out. Thankfully, she didn't remember the night, though she had from then on refused to drink or talk about Gaara again.

Sakura also told him that this was what sparked her discovery of Naruto's status of demon container.

Naruto had been banking on the fact that because Gaara and he were so alike, Temari would feel sad and guilty enough to drink. Judging by the fact that it only took her about three glasses to pass out, Naruto had decided that just one glass would be sufficient for her to lose enough of a grip on reality to miss certain dodgy aspects of his story.

Because, really, who would seriously be stupid enough to brag about a plan where practically anyone could overhear it?

"So, you left Konoha just because of that? Why not tell the Hokage about their plan?" Temari asked him. Naruto noticed that she didn't really look at all tipsy, but he still saw a very slight flush on her cheeks, and seeing as he wasn't hitting on her, it definitely wasn't a blush so he must've been doing something right.

Either that or he was just too damned irresistible to women. The rational side to his brain argued that it was the former, but he quickly shut it up.

"Well, what could I have done to fix it?" Naruto replied, tracing the ring of the glass, "If I stopped these guys, then somebody else would just end up taking their place. It would mean a lot of trouble for Tsunade."

"Besides..." Naruto paused for effect, "I think their reasoning for selling me out was pretty sound."

Both Azusa and Saya gave Naruto sharp looks, but Naruto ignored them in favour of watching Temari, who regarded him with a shocked expression on her face.

"Why... why do you say that?" she asked him, seeming genuinely surprised. Naruto shook his head slowly.

"They... they just wanted to keep Konoha safe. They thought that if I stayed in Konoha, Akatsuki would eventually come looking for me. It's happened before, and the same happened to Gaara as well. How could I blame them for wanting the best for their village?" Naruto replied, his tone of voice melancholy. Temari's look of pity became even more piteous.

"Still... they shouldn't have tried to sell out their own ninja, their own _comrade_ for that!" Temari replied, her voice taking a passionate tone.

_Good,_ Naruto thought, hiding his smirk, _She's getting into it._

"You have a point, but the alternative means that Konoha would be in danger because of my presence, it would have continued to be in danger as long as I continued to be a Konoha shinobi." Naruto explained, looking at Temari with the sincerest eyes he could muster, "Even if I left on another training trip, Akatsuki might have targeted Konoha in hopes that I would go running back to save them. Even though they were after Gaara, they still attacked Sunagakure to hurt him in other ways; I couldn't let them do that to Konoha."

Temari regarded him silently, and Azusa and Saya remained mute as well. There was only a din murmur of the bar's other patrons in the background.

"So... you..." Temari spoke, hesitant and unwilling to articulate the sad thought that came to her mind. Naruto nodded, looking back at his glass with a solemn look on his face.

"As long as Akatsuki thinks that I'm no longer loyal to Konoha, then they'll have no reason to try and hold them as leverage over me. So I had to be a missing-nin to protect Konoha, even if it means that the very people I'm trying to protect might kill me for abandoning the village." Naruto explained to her, though it was a stretch to say that they were after his head; Tsunade, even though she hadn't known why he left, had sent no hunter-nin after him.

"It doesn't matter anyway, because it's sort of my destiny." Naruto said, putting the final figurative nail in the figurative coffin, "People like me and Gaara... we're jinchuuriki... human sacrifices."

When Temari took a large swig from her glass, Naruto felt a deep sense of relief settle upon his shoulders, and he couldn't help but smile. His location would be kept safe for a little while longer. It almost felt as good as sex.

Almost, but not quite.

* * *

"I think you've had enough to drink, Temari-san." Saya spoke up, taking away the glass of alcohol in Temari's hands. Temari didn't complain, but instead put her face on the counter, quite drunk but surprisingly still coherent, though Saya had a little something to do with that.

The alcohol that she had given to the sandy blonde was quite watered down, despite what Naruto thought. It wasn't as if Saya was trying to get the whiskered blond captured by Konoha; she knew that if the blond didn't want to be taken in, he wouldn't be (Naruto was quite strong), but she didn't want Naruto to kick the girl out in the condition that she was in. Saya had a habit of making sure that the people that left her bar unable to stand on their feet without assistance made it home safe and sound; it was this very habit that made her so likeable to everyone in Furou.

Temari lived too far for Saya to make sure that she made it home safely, so she had to resort to other measures.

_And maybe this will teach Naruto to show some responsibility._ Saya thought, ignoring the small kernel of guilt of doing this behind Naruto's back. _At the very least, she'll be able to reject any advances he makes._

She had never held much stock in irony.

Saya watched the two blond shinobi converse with one another about days long passed, talking about moments in their lives when she was a nonentity to them. And she couldn't help but feel slightly left out and jealous.

Ever since Naruto had come into her life, it had turned from regular, everyday life to something new and exciting, and judging by their conversation, Naruto had that effect on everybody. Though Saya wouldn't ever voice this to him, she loved her life with Naruto in it. The blond, while irritating most of the time, also brought a lot of colour to her otherwise monotonous life, as well as the lives of many other inhabitants in the town of Furou. Since he had arrived, Furou had turned from a dreary town of vagrant miners into an effervescent town of festive citizens.

To see the blond being pulled away from his new life, pulled away into his old life... Saya wasn't sure how she really felt about it, but she knew that it wasn't anything good.

And as Saya watched the chatting blonds with a heavy heart, she didn't notice another person watch her with calculating eyes. Keitaro.

* * *

Keitaro made his way over to the pretty brunette, swaying slightly from the alcohol he had consumed. Furou was quite lenient on its alcohol consumption laws, especially towards its working minors.

As Keitaro approached the female bartender, he noticed that her gaze was instead on Naruto. Always on Naruto.

He _hated_ it that her gaze was always on Naruto and that her best smiles were for Naruto; that she was only really happy when Naruto were around. She was like a lovesick puppy that didn't even know of her affections.

Or of the affections of others.

Keitaro had known Saya for quite a long time; since they were both kids. They had both been born in Furou, though Saya was about a year older than he was. Keitaro's family had been in Furou since the inception of the town many years back, but Saya's parents had been one of the many vagrants that settled in the mining town.

Saya's father had been a genin-level ninja from within Snow Country and her mother had been his runaway bride. When they had come to Furou, her father had opened up his bar and inn, and his wife, whom had become pregnant quite soon after they had arrived, just remained as a housewife and sometimes waitress and hostess.

When Saya was about seven years old, she saw both of her parents hunted down and killed by Snow ninja for abandoning the ruthless dictator that had taken over the country. The only reason that she survived was because Seisumi Azusa had been present at the time and had maintained that Saya was her daughter and not theirs.

Since then, Saya had stayed with the Seisumi family until she felt she was old enough to move out and start up her parents bar again. The Seisumi family had put her through school, and that was where Keitaro had really gotten to know her, though Saya had never really shown much interest in Keitaro as he did in her. They had only remained distant acquaintances, much to his disappointment.

Keitaro still remembered the magical night when Snow Country had become Spring Country, and news of the defeat of the dictator and the proper instalment of the now deceased Princess Koyuki had reached the town. Saya had positively glowed with happiness that night, and from then on, Team Seven of Konoha had become legendary in Snow, though their names had not been announced for sake of safety and privacy.

Ever since then, Keitaro had dreamed that he might one day meet one of those legendary heroes. Maybe he could introduce one of them to Saya, just to see her smile.

Keitaro might have hated the fact that her true smiles weren't for him, but the fact that it was that blond idiot that she loved... the rational part of his brain knew that he stood no chance against the ninja, so he just resorted to what he _could_ do to the blond: jeering and heckling.

"Saya-chan?" Keitaro called, jerking Saya back to reality. Saya tore her eyes away from Naruto and his companion, startled.

"Oh- oh!" Saya immediately smiled her usual smile that she gave to all customers. Keitaro was annoyed that she didn't reserve a special smile for him, but he didn't show it.

"Hello! How are you doing, Keitaro-san?" Saya asked him, focusing her attention onto him (an act that really pleased him), "You don't need another pitcher do you? You look like you've had enough."

"No, I was just here to say that I'm about to head home, Saya-chan." Keitaro told her, purposefully staring into her eyes. Saya averted her gaze from his, unwilling to meet his intense gaze.

"Please don't be so informal, Keitaro-san." Saya quietly requested. Her rebuff quelled Keitaro's stare, annoying him along the way. Keitaro flinched slightly.

"Sorry." he replied, and an awkward silence settled upon the two brunettes. Keitaro and Saya avoided each other's gazes for a moment, and just when Keitaro was about to say goodbye, Naruto interrupted them.

"Oi, Saya-chaaaaan! Hit me with another glass!" Naruto called. Saya blazingly snapped back at him, slightly surprising Keitaro who had known Saya to be a very well-mannered person.

"Get it yourself you lazy bastard!" Saya told him, glaring at the blond with great vehemence, which caused both Naruto and Keitaro to blink. Naruto hadn't really done much to warrant such anger on Saya's part (yet), but she seemed unusually angry at him. But then, Keitaro spotted her eyes briefly flickering towards the blonde woman at Naruto's side, and he sort of understood.

Saya was jealous of the attention that Naruto paying to the girl at his side, but expressed it in a way that led her to believe that she was angry at Naruto for being a pervert.

_Typical high school type drama._ Keitaro thought, recalling his own days in high school.

"It's alright, Saya-chan. I can handle it." Azusa replied, getting the blond some more alcohol. The wife of the town leader had joined Saya behind the counter as she usually did after her work as a doctor in the local hospital. Keitaro didn't understand for the life of him why the wealthy woman would want to work a second job, let alone the first, but Azusa always claimed that bartending in Saya's bar was more of a form of entertainment rather than work. Keitaro recognized her words for what they really meant.

After all, Azusa only really started bartending in Saya's bar after Naruto had come to town.

And just like that, a plan formed inside Keitaro's head.

"Saya-san?" Keitaro spoke up, attracting Saya's attention again, "Would you mind accompanying me home?"

Saya looked at him surprised, but the reaction that Keitaro was really looking forward to seeing was Naruto's. Out of the corner of his eyes, Keitaro noticed the stony look that the blond was giving him. He revelled in it.

"Oh, umm... I... I wish that I could, but I need to watch after the bar." Saya said, flustered at Keitaro's request. Keitaro immediately rebutted her claim.

"Seisuma-sama can watch the bar, can you not?" Keitaro said, tilting his head to the gorgeous raven-haired woman who was observing the proceedings calmly. She didn't reply immediately, but eventually nodded her assent.

"I can, if Saya-chan trusts me to look after her bar." the raven-haired beauty replied. Saya licked her lips nervously, and Keitaro felt kind of bad putting the girl he liked on the spot.

"Well, if it's too much trouble, then it's okay... I mean..." Keitaro said, trailing off. He was playing his cards using Saya's kindness as a crutch. Naruto continued to look at Saya with a hard face.

"No, I... uh..." Saya stammered, giving Naruto a hesitant glance, flinching slightly at the stony look he was giving her. Her eyes flickered towards Temari once more, and her eyebrows tightened. Keitaro knew what her answer would be right there and then.

"Al- alright." Saya finally replied. Not surprisingly, Naruto was the first person to react.

"Oi, Saya! You can't be serious!" Naruto spoke up loudly, "What the fuck do you think this little shit wants with you?"

Saya snapped back at him before Keitaro could do so.

"What the hell is it to you!? You don't know Keitaro like I do! He isn't like _you_!" Saya retorted angrily. Naruto glared at her, not backing down at her likewise fierce look. Keitaro, Azusa, and Temari watched their interaction silently, not interfering.

"He's just trying to piss me off!" Naruto returned fire, "He doesn't actually want to be with you; He just wants to get at me by getting into your pants!"

It was evidently the wrong thing for the slightly inebriated Naruto to say, as Saya's glare turned murderous.

"YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! NOT EVERYBODY THINKS LIKE YOU, UZUMAKI NARUTO!" Saya suddenly screamed at him, quieting the bar rather quickly. All the patrons looked at the spectacle, not believing they're eyes. Naruto and Saya did have their fair share of fights, but none of this seriousness and magnitude.

Naruto and Saya glared at one another, their anger permeating in the silence. The brief period of silence was marred only by Saya's faintly heavy breathing. They continued to make eye contact, but soon enough, tears sprung to Saya's eyes. Naruto stopped glaring and sagged slightly; he hadn't meant to make her cry.

She turned away from him, showing him her back as she stepped around the counter. Azusa, who was also behind the counter, just stepped out of the brunette's way and watched her go with a sad look on her face.

"Let's go, Keitaro-san." Saya said to Keitaro, and she walked away towards the exit. Keitaro shot Naruto a look that looked all too smug, but the brunette hurried after Saya before anything could happen between the two. But Naruto wasn't done.

"Saya." he called, "Saya, come on."

Saya ignored him, and continued for the exit.

"Saya! I was only trying to look for you." Naruto told her, though he didn't chase after her. He wasn't so cliché, and Temari was still with him after all. However, Saya left without saying a word to him and Keitaro followed her right out. Naruto was left staring at the exit for a moment before shaking his head.

As he turned back to Temari, explaining the story, Naruto felt a myriad of emotions coursing through him; anger at Keitaro for the stunt he pulled, anger at Saya for not seeing through it; but above all else, he just felt... _hurt_. Hurt that Saya would just go with Keitaro like that, leaving Naruto behind.

And he didn't know why.

But regardless of how things had gone down, Naruto knew that Saya would be back tonight; she was a firm believer of chastity, after all. Perhaps after he got Temari settled in one of the spare rooms, he would apologize to her and try to make things better again.

It wasn't like they could get any worse.

* * *

Naruto woke slowly, soaking in the warmth he felt around him. He yawned slightly and blinked his eyes a few times, shaking off the sleep. Only then did he notice that there was a body next to him under the blankets.

A naked body. A naked _female_ body. A naked female body next to his own naked body. A naked female body hugging up against his naked body.

_Oh yeah, I scored last nig- oh my God! Oh shit! OH SHIT!_ Naruto's thoughts turned from self-congratulatory to panic as the memories of last night came flooding back; memories that were both awesome and also absolutely terrifying at the same.

Beside him, Temari shifted her head looking into his eyes, feeling him wake up. She smiled at the whiskered blond, showing Naruto a side to her that he had never seen before. Temari had certainly never smiled so coyly before.

"Good morning." she said, and Naruto nervously smiled back at her.

"Mornin'." he replied easily. He was thinking something far more different.

_I am a fucking retard. If Gaara finds out about this, he's going to fucking murder me._ Naruto thought frantically, _I am so dead._

"I... I had..." Temari started, referring to their activities the night before, but she just trailed off at the end, too embarrassed to continue. Naruto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"Um... yeah." he said, giving a nervous laugh.

_I'm so dead. I'm so fucking dead._

Temari bit her lip, slightly hesitant to continue the awkward conversation, but she powered on.

"You were my first." she told him needlessly; he _had_ been with her last night. Naruto didn't roll his eyes to the obvious statement; he wasn't about to get himself in deeper trouble, not that he wasn't a dead man already.

_Damn it Shikamaru, you lazy coward! Are you so afraid of Gaara that you couldn't even lay her?_ Naruto thought, not caring that he himself was also scared shitless of the scarlet-haired Kazekage.

"Um, yeah, mine too." Naruto lied. Inwardly, Naruto continued to berate himself.

_Damn it, I can't believe I broke my number one rule: never sleep with virgins! Gah, I'm so stupid!_ Naruto thought, getting more and more worried.

This was one rule that Naruto had set for himself regarding his sex life: to never sleep with virgins. In Naruto's experience, it was the virgins that got clingy, and that was something that Naruto did not want at the moment. Clingy women, especially ones that had connections to the Hidden Leaf were not good for Konoha missing-nin like Naruto. Some men did like to score virgins, but Naruto was neither a paedophile nor a rapist, and he did not go around paedophiling and raping women, so he stayed away from virgin companionship.

Temari's smile widened and she leaned in to capture a morning kiss. Naruto immediately turned away and let out a hacking cough, making sure to get a bit of phlegm in there as well. Temari frowned at his, but did not try to kiss him again.

_Whew, that was close._ Naruto thought, happy with his quick thinking.

"So..." he spoke up, breaking the brief silence, "how about we get up?"

Temari nodded, as she sat up with her back to Naruto. The blond oddly felt both relieved and disappointed at this.

"I should be getting back to Suna soon." Temari told him, gathering her clothes, "I'm already late, and if I take any longer, they might get suspicious."

Naruto licked his lips in anticipation, getting dressed alongside the girl he has just spent the night with.

_This is it. Come on, acting skills, don't let me down!_

"So, will you be putting me under Suna's protection?" Naruto asked her, making her think that he assumed she was going to rat on him to Konoha. Temari looked back at him with a slightly reproachful look.

"I think... I think that this is a secret that should be kept for the sakes of a lot people." Temari informed the blond, hesitating for only a second, "I'll keep your location a secret until there's a matter of great importance."

Naruto cheered himself on the inside.

"I... I'm still a missing-nin. I abandoned my village; who knows how many people I could've saved if I was still there." Naruto said, inject a bit of anguish into his voice. Temari shook her head.

"And you've probably saved many more lives by leaving. Who knows how many people might have died if Akatsuki attacked?" Temari replied. She was already fully dressed, and rubbing her temples gingerly.

_Ahh,_ Naruto thought,_ Hangover._

Naruto felt it himself, but he made no move to cure it. He had a higher chance of getting something past a Temari with a hangover than a Temari with a clear mind.

"Thank you, Temari." Naruto said, smiling at her graciously. He had to stop himself from rolling his eyes at sounding like a teenage boy who had just gotten it for the first time from an older woman. Temari just smiled at him.

"You're welcome, Naruto."

Temari grabbed her fan and slipped on her sandals, already fully clothed. Naruto also slipped into his geta.

"So," Naruto said, "I'll accompany you out."

* * *

It was a sunny morning, and judging by the position of the sun, Naruto estimated it to be just past nine in the morning. Naruto and Temari stood across from each other, looking at each other one last time before she would leave. Then, neither knew when they would see each other next (though Naruto hoped it would be later rather than sooner).

Temari wore her fan on her back as she usually did, dressed in light-coloured clothing as compared to the all black that she used to wear a few years back. Naruto personally thought that she had come to her senses; he never really understood why she wore dark clothing in the middle of the freaking desert of all places.

"I guess, I'll see you when I see you then." Temari said, holding out her hand. Naruto glanced at it, remembering a similar scene a few years back with Gaara.

"Yeah." Naruto replied, grabbing her hand in a firm handshake. Temari bit her bottom lip for a moment, before pulling the blond in and smashing her lips against his in a searing kiss.

_Oh. Well, that's different._ Naruto thought, but he kissed her back nontheless. He did have an act to keep up; or rather, that's just what he liked to tell himself.

The two blonds remained in lip-lock for a few moments before breaking apart, their breathing slightly heavy. Temari regarded him with a gentle smile before turning away, waving goodbye over her shoulder.

"Take care, Uzumaki Naruto." she called, walking away.

"Ja ne." Naruto replied, watching her walk away. And almost naturally, his eyes shifted to her delightful backside. And despite himself, Naruto grinned.

_Gaara's probably going to kill me, and Shikamaru might hate me for a while, but it was fucking worth it!_ Naruto couldn't help but think, _I hit that ass._

* * *

Naruto walked into Saya's bar, noticing that it was empty of any customers. It was usually so on weekday mornings, when most of the patrons were at work. And as usual, Azusa was behind the counter already, prepared for the odd customer that might turn up.

_Wait a minute..._

"Azusa-chan? What're you doing here so early?" Naruto asked, confused to see the pinnacle of his sexual aspirations working in the bar so early. He had expected to see Saya there and was planning to apologize to her, since he hadn't caught her last night. Azusa merely smiled at him.

"Good morning, Naruto-kun! As for your question, I stayed the night in Saya-chan's bedroom because she failed to return to close her bar at its usual time." Azusa replied easily. Just as Naruto was about to question her further, a weary-looking Saya walked into the bar.

Naruto regarded her with a raised eyebrow.

"Saya? Where'd you go so early in the morning?" Naruto asked her, his curiosity overriding his plans of apology. Saya yawned tiredly before answering, apparently no longer angry at the blond for his offensive comments the night before.

"I didn't go out; I just got back." Saya replied, not realizing how it sounded.

Naruto felt his blood turn cold.

"You... what?" Naruto asked, not believing his ears, "You just got back from Keitaro's place?"

Saya's eyes widened as she realized what she had just said.

"No, that's not-"

"What the fuck, Saya!?" Naruto exploded, cutting her off, "I thought you were going stay a virgin forever!?"

Saya regarded him with surprise, not expecting his reaction. Azusa just watched the scene, staying as serene as always.

"No, Naruto, it isn't what you thin-" Saya started, but Naruto refused to let her finish, letting his anger cloud his rationality. Just the very thought of Saya with that bastard Keitaro; the thought of Saya being with _anyone_... Naruto absolutely hated the idea with a surprising vehemence that he usually reserved for enemies like Orochimaru.

"You... you did this just to spite me, didn't you!" Naruto cut her off, glaring furiously at her. Saya, not believing how upset Naruto was at the thought that she had gotten deflowered, laughed at the absurdity of it, though it was the wrong thing to do. Unbeknownst to either of them, Azusa shook her head sadly at Saya's slip.

"You think it's just a joke!? Saya you..." Naruto trailed off, shutting his eyes tightly and gripping his head with both hands. He had been blindsided by this. Never in a million years would he have expected Saya to do this.

Naruto didn't even try to understand why he was so angry; all he knew was that he was pissed off beyond belief, and that his chest felt constricting as if someone was squeezing his heart. A very distant corner of his mind reminded him that he did have his heart squeezed before, by some psycho medic-nin in one of Orochimaru's lair when he went on a mission with Jiraiya and Sakura, but he ignored that.

"...You fucking _bitch_." Naruto bit out in low tones, sounding oddly defeated. Saya looked taken aback at Naruto's aggressive comment, before she got pretty angry herself.

"Shut up! What's it to you if I spent the night at Keitaro's place!?" Saya suddenly shouted at him, and it was Naruto's turn to be taken aback, "Why do you care if I had sex with Keitaro!?"

Naruto opened his mouth furiously to reply to her, but had nothing to say, so he was just left staring at the angry brunette with an open mouth. Saya watched him with a raised eyebrow, waiting for a reply.

"Nothing to say?" she continued, her voice levels falling though her anger continued to simmer to dangerous heights, "Are you jealous? Were you planning on being the one to take my virginity, you _pervert_?"

Saya left out the fact that she was, in fact, still a virgin. She would never have slept with Keitaro even if her life depended on it. As a matter of fact, as soon as she had gotten to his place, Keitaro's mother (a woman that Naruto had slept with) had invited her in and the two stayed up all night chatting amicably until it was late enough that she insisted that Saya stay the night, which the brunette reluctantly did.

Naruto felt shaken that Saya would think such things of him. No matter how flexible Naruto's moralities had become, he never planned maliciously against his friends, and it extremely hurt that Saya would say such a thing. But he was more angry than hurt, so Saya's insult fed his anger to dangerous levels, and his control just... slipped.

Wind started kicking around the blond, blowing away the various pieces of furniture around him into the walls. Naruto glared at Saya with a ferocity that she had never seen before, and the girl quickly became frightened of what was happening, and of the look he was giving her. It was that look of terror on her face that allowed Naruto to realize what was happening, and Naruto reigned in his chakra, causing the whistling winds to cease.

Naruto gave Saya a hard look for several moments as she continued to regard him with fear, and he cast Azusa a glance as well, who had lost her serenity in favour of fright at Naruto's angry display of power. Feeling angry and hurt, Naruto just sighed deeply.

Shaking his head, Naruto just shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Fuck this shit." he muttered, and he stepped around Saya and left the bar. The two remaining women stood in the wrecked bar silently for a moment, before Saya burst into tears.

_What... what just happened?_ Saya thought, miserably sobbing as Azusa came over and hugged the brunette, comforting her somewhat, _Why did this happen?_

There was no answer.

* * *

**END**

* * *

**Credit to 'Cyanide and Happiness' for some of the jokes I used in this chapter. As for the lateness... I've been tied down with university and sickness. If there is anyone that understands where I'm coming from, then give me a shout.**

**This is a pretty long chapter, and it's unbeta'd, so if and when you notice mistakes in the chapter, then please let me know in a review so I can fix it.**

**Also: I know that 'paedophiling' is not a real word. I used it purposely.**

**Thanks to all the previous reviewers, and be sure to leave some more reviews, eh? They're great motivation; every time I get a review, I tend to write even more of the next chapter.**

**knuckz**


	4. Butterfly Float, Killer Bee Sting

What's New, Naruto?

By knuckz

* * *

Summary: Uzumaki Naruto was not kicked out of Konoha; he left of his own accord. Not enough money, and no health or dental coverage? It was a bad job, really. Swearing and mature themes.

* * *

**04 – Butterfly Float, Killer Bee Sting**

* * *

"So you stormed out of there. Then what?" Shubou asked, downing the shot glass of liquor he held in his hand. Naruto just shrugged.

"I was pretty pissed off, so I went to the outskirts of town to blow off some steam." the blond replied. Shubou scratched his thick beard, pouring himself another glass of liquor. Shubou, the leader of the town of Furou, looked very similar to Kongou; more than that, the two of them had practically the same personality. Though it was more truthful to say that Kongou was like Shubou; as his bodyguard, Kongou was often required to _be_ Shubou on several occasions, so he had to look like him and act like him.

"So that was the reason behind all the commotion." Shubou commented, "People thought that an apocalypse was coming; all those earthquakes and gale winds and shit."

Naruto innocently shrugged.

"You forgot the part where you..."

"Shut the f-"

"...cried like a little _bitch_." Kongou cut in, chuckling.

"-uck up, Kongou! Fuck damn it, I wasn't crying, you goat-fucking turdshit!" Naruto furiously replied, glaring at the man. Shubou looked at Naruto in disbelief, the humour on his face evident, while Kongou just started chuckling even harder.

"Whahahaha! You cried!?" Shubou exclaimed, laughing at the ill-tempered blond.

"Turdshit?" Kongou repeated, amused.

"Fuck you too, Shubou, I didn't cry." Naruto said warningly, "I'll fucking shit in your mouth if you don't shut up; you know I can do it."

Shubou's laughter died down to soft chuckles, though he did shudder.

"Poor guy." said the leader of the village, shaking his head sadly, "He was never the same after you shit in his mouth."

"Turd and shit is the same thing." Kongou commented, still amused.

"He never was." Naruto repeated, "Though it was actually dog shit."

"Really?" Shubou asked, surprised at the revelation.

"Yep." Naruto responded, "My shit isn't really all that flammable."

"Why do you know that?" Kongou asked, giving the whiskered blond a weird look. Naruto just shrugged.

"I... experiment." Naruto replied, "But that dog shit though; it melted quite nicely."

"It burned the inside of his mouth; the doctors had a hell of a time fixing that." Shubou said, "It was pretty extreme."

"Yeah, well, that'll learn him. Tch, _'it was an accident_' he claimed! You don't fuck with me when I'm eating ramen." Naruto proclaimed, downing his own shot glass.

"He offered to pay for your ramen." Kongou pointed out.

"He didn't have no money." Naruto retorted.

"That's because you took all of his money right before you beat him up and burned the inside of his mouth with melted dog shit." Kongou said. Naruto shook his head.

"I don't know what you want from me; I'm just one man."

"Anyway, Azusa's in a right state." Shubou mentioned, steering the conversation back on track, "She was pretty upset about what happened between you and Saya. She thinks of the two of you as her own kids."

Naruto winced.

"Yeah," Naruto said, frowning, "Not that I don't appreciate it, but that's probably what makes it really hard to convince Azusa-chan to have sex with me. Though I'm pretty sure that deep down, she's real kinky like that."

Shubou chuckled.

"Good luck with that. She barely touched me long enough to make Fuu, and even then it was only because of the one kid requirement for my position." Shubou informed the blond, "And we haven't had sex since. Hell, I haven't even seen her naked; even that one time, it was all under the covers and shit, and even then she kept her top on. I hate that 'through the hole' shit."

"Why the fuck is she married to you anyway?" Naruto asked, "Nobody ever told me the story, and she _obviously_ doesn't like you."

Shubou shrugged.

"I was next in line to be leader slash dictator of Furou, and I had to choose my bride." Shubou said, "I picked Azusa but she asked me to choose someone else. Her family had raised her to be refined and modest, and I was a 'brute', as she called me, which was pretty insulting."

"You said no?" Naruto said, eyebrows raised, "Though she's right about that brute thing. I call you a fucking Neanderthal every day of the week."

Shubou just shrugged nonchalantly, ignoring Naruto's bad mood.

"She was the hottest girl there, and I was pretty fucking horny. I don't think she was too happy when I said no." Shubou said, "But stop going off topic; what're you going to do about this situation? Azusa's upset, and when she's upset, she wants me to fix it. I don't like that, Naruto; I really don't. Fix this."

"Oh, look at the time!" Naruto exclaimed suddenly, looking at his watch-less wrist and standing to leave, "I better be going."

"Aww, leaving already?"

"The _fuck!?_" Naruto spun around, only to see Fuu playing with dolls behind the one-seater he had been sitting on, "Fuu!? What- when- how long have you been there!?"

"Aren't you ninjas supposed to know when people are hidden near you?" Shubou asked.

"_'Ain't y'all nanjas s'pposed to knaw when dem paples are nar you?'_" Naruto snapped at him in mocking tones, "Learn something about the world you live in, you fucking hick."

Shubou raised an eyebrow, and Naruto ducked his head.

"I never was good at that 'always aware of things around you' shit." Naruto admitted, before turning his attention back to Shubou's daughter.

"Fuu!" Naruto exclaimed, pointing at her, "I haven't forgotten about you! What're you doing here?"

"I was playing with my dolls." Fuu told him, showing Naruto two dolls; he noticed that the male had blond hair and the female was a brunette.

_Somehow, I get the oddest feeling that those dolls are supposed to be me and Saya._ Naruto thought bemusedly.

"Is it true that Naruto-niichan and Saya-neechan got into another fight?" the girl asked the whiskered demon container.

"Of course not!" Naruto easily lied to the little girl that adored him so much, "Why would you think that?"

"Well, you were just talking about it with dad and Kongou." Fuu replied. Naruto furrowed his eyebrows.

"Exactly how long were you in here?" Naruto asked her. Fuu shrugged.

"I followed you in." she replied, "What's a 'turdshit'?"

Naruto winced at Fuu's repetition of his expletive.

_Shit, Azusa's gonna fucking kill me. _Naruto thought worriedly.

"Never you mind. But kiddo; don't worry about me and Saya. All friendships have rough patches; we'll be back to normal soon enough." Naruto told the young girl. Inwardly, he wanted to believe his own words, but found himself thinking that perhaps things between Saya and he might not be the same ever again.

"Good, because you and Saya-neechan are going to get married, and then you can be my new dad!" Fuu declared. Naruto felt a painful stab in his chest at thought of marriage. Shubou gave Fuu the middle finger.

"Fuck you too kid." he gruffly told his daughter, grabbing a cigar from the table and lighting it up. Fuu innocently shrugged.

"Is it friendships or relationships that have rough patches?" Kongou wondered, gathering everyone's focus, "Why do you care so much that she had... relations with Keitaro?"

Despite all his crudeness, Kongou was quite attached to Fuu, as he often spent much of his time as her personal bodyguard when he wasn't guarding Shubou; he often toned himself down around the young girl.

Naruto didn't know the answer to either question. So he responded in the only way he could think of. Azusa couldn't kill him twice.

"Shut the fuck up, you dickwad. What do you know? You haven't gotten laid for over 2 months." Naruto said to Kongou, who lowered his head in embarrassment, "I just recently had a _thirteensome_ with 12 hot-ass women."

Then Naruto turned to the silently smoking Shubou.

"And you; don't even bother saying anything! I have a better chance of fucking your wife than you do! You frigging suck, dude!" Naruto said to the man, who held up both hands as a sign of peace.

"You people piss me off!" Naruto proclaimed, scowling angrily, "Except you Fuu; you're awesome. But I'm still getting the fuck out of here."

All three of the other occupants watched him storm out in silence. After he left, it was Shubou that spoke up first.

"He really _is_ upset about this whole Saya losing her virginity thing." Shubou said, "And the funny thing is that she didn't even have sex with the boy; Azusa told me that Saya's still a virgin."

"He's upset, and he might not even exactly know why." Kongou said, not at all surprised that Saya still retained her virginity; Saya wasn't the type of person that would lose something as important as that to just any person, especially to a stranger.

"I guess he really likes the girl." Shubou commented. Fuu had already lost interest in the conversation; she had gone back to making her dolls kiss.

Kongou nodded in assent.

"That's as obvious as how much she likes him, but that might not be the reason he's pissed off." Kongou said, "He doesn't know that he likes her, but it may have to do with more than that. To Naruto, the thought of Saya losing her virginity has little to do with her having sex, and more to do with her losing what he perceives as her purity."

Shubou gave Kongou an inquiring look.

"Once, when he was drunk, Naruto told me that he loved someone." Kongou confided in his disbelieving companion, "I know, I know. 'Naruto' and 'love' don't normally go in the same sentence without 'pretend to be in' and 'to have sex' to accompany them. I think Saya probably reminds him of the woman he might have loved once upon a time."

"Who was the woman?" Shubou asked curious. Kongou shrugged.

"No clue. He never talks about it. Maybe a virgin sister that got raped or a virgin girlfriend that cheated on him." the bearded bodyguard suggested. Shubou decided to take it and go with it.

"Or an incestuous virgin sister that cheated on him. And then later got raped. I like the 'raped' angle. Oooh, maybe his mother was a virgin that got raped, and he's the rape-baby! And then when he was a kid, his mother raped him, taking his virginity! Then his mother got raped again and had the incestuous virgin rape-baby sister that promised her virginity to him, but then cheated on him! And then the mother later raped that same sis-"

"Please stop." Kongou cut in, finally having enough.

A silence descended upon the two bearded men. After a few moments, Shubou broke it.

"So he cried?"

Kongou sniggered.

"Like a little _bitch_."

* * *

Naruto lay back on the plush grass, staring up at the clouds rolling by in the azure sky. There was an oddly calming nature to those puffy white cream-puffs, and Naruto couldn't help agree with Shikamaru about just laying back and spending his days like this.

_I almost regret fucking your girlfriend, Shika._ Naruto thought, thinking back to when he had slept with Temari. Things had started to go south ever since the sandy-blonde Sand kunoichi had found him. From worrying about behind apprehended by his old village, to the whole fiasco with Saya; everything had gone wrong since.

_Fucking hell, my life is a fucking drama._ Naruto thought, raising his hands to the skies and flipping them off.

_I don't know who's writing out my life, but fuck you for giving me such a fucked up story._ Naruto thought angrily, _And fuck you to anyone reading it._

"Yo!"

"Huh?" Naruto glanced up, to see a large figure looming over him, grinning. Naruto lowered his hands (still flipping the bird) and sat up. The figure in question was a dark-skinned Kumo nin wearing very strange get-up. The ninja had on a white vest and a multitude of swords strapped to his back, along with a purple rope tied around his waist. His hair was as blond as Naruto's, though the ex-but-not-really-Konoha-nin did not want to believe that the man's hair colour was natural.

"How's it go, blond man with the nasty hands?" the ninja rapped, "Flippin' the bird to the world, why you so crazy, Mr. Lazy?"

Naruto stared at the man, unsure of what to say, so he just said the first thing that came to his mind.

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Whoa, Joe! Watch that crazy tongue or Killer Bee will bring the funk!" the man replied. Naruto looked at him as if he were stupid.

"_What the fuck are you saying?_" Naruto asked, genuinely confused at the man's strange speech patterns.

"Not sayin' nuttin', this is rappin' baby."

Naruto shook his head in exasperation; this was the _last_ thing he needed.

"Listen, I don't know what you want with me, but there ain't gonna be any nutting going on here. If you want to bust a nut, go into town." Naruto told the man, pointing towards Furou, "There's a brothel in there. As for raping babies... well, I can't help you there, you hippie."

"Yo, Killer Bee ain't no hippie... you pretty fresh with the mess, kid." Killer Bee replied, before holding out his fist, "Gimme some dap for a scrap."

Naruto had no idea what the idiot in front of him wanted, so he just cooperated in hopes that 'Killer Bee' would leave him alone. After giving the taller man some 'dap', Killer Bee jumped away, getting into an obviously hostile stance. Naruto narrowed his eyes.

"A fight? Well, why didn't you just say so in the first place?" Naruto smirked, getting into his own attack stance. This was exactly what he needed to relieve his stress; fuck Shikamaru and his clouds. The rush of adrenaline, the pounding of flesh on flesh, the grunts of exertion; fighting was just like sex.

Naruto had a lot of built up tension to release; Killer Bee was going to learn just who the real killer was. But not the bee; he could keep that.

Both fighters took a moment to observe each other, taking in the fighting stances, gleaming whatever data they could before it would be too late stand back and observe. And almost as if there were a silent signal between the two, both rushed at each other at the same time with a flurry of movement.

Despite his greater girth, Naruto noted that Killer Bee was incredibly fast; combined with his heaviness, the momentum of the Kumo nin's attack sent shocks throughout Naruto's body even though the blond blocked the blow.

Ignoring the slight fuzzy feeling in his arms, Naruto quickly spun to the right, lashing out with a kick, which Killer Bee simply pushed aside with his left arm. The rapping ninja swung forward with his right fist, putting his weight into the punch. Unfortunately, the ninja did not notice that Naruto's left leg had remained glued to his arm.

Using the momentum from Killer Bee's movement, Naruto brought up his right knee to smash into the side of the Cloud nin's head. Killer Bee ducked as quickly as possible, driving the hilt of one of the swords strapped to his back into Naruto's knee.

Ignoring the blaring pain from his injured kneecap, Naruto smashed his elbow onto the top of the blond-haired nin's head. Seemingly unaffected by the blow, Killer Bee grabbed Naruto's other leg and threw him well across the field.

Naruto quickly called upon his affinity for wind and straightened himself while still in the air in case the other ninja pursued. But it was for naught as the rap-happy ninja just stood stationary. Naruto took the opportunity to land safely. After he was stationary, the whiskered blond scrutinised the larger man, confused at why he had not pursued the throw.

Killer Bee took out a notepad and began writing in it, nodding to himself every now and then. Naruto just gaped at the absurdity of it.

_Stopping right in the middle of a fight! _the blond raged, _This isn't like sex at all!_

"Yo blondie!" Killer Bee called out after he had paused his writing, "What's your name?"

"...Naruto." the blond replied, slightly hesitant about giving his real name to the ninja. Killer Bee started at this, much to Naruto's confusion.

"Wait, are you _Uzumaki_ Naruto?" Killer Bee asked, looking excited. At Naruto's nod, Killer Bee let out a loud laugh.

"No way! Holy crap, I never thought I'd meet the jink that trumps eight!" Killer Bee exclaimed, surprising the Kyuubi jinchuuriki. He walked over to the blond Konoha nin, much more friendly this time.

"Damn man, them Red Clouds been looking for you forever. This is where you been hiding out?" Killer Bee remarked, looking around amazedly.

"Hold up... you're the container of the eight-tailed beast?" Naruto asked, surprised at the odds of the two jinchuuriki meeting like this.

"Don't look so shocked, you're looking at the container of the eight-tailed ox." Killer Bee rapped back at the blond.

"What's your name, anyway?" Naruto asked, "And why did you come here?"

"People call me Killer Bee, but my real name is a secret; I ain't told that to nobody, but I'll tell you since you a fellow jink." Killer Bee said, and he leaned in to whisper his secret, "My name's... _Kirabi_."

To his credit, Naruto held back from punching Killer Bee in the face.

"And I came here 'cause I wanted to explore the world and improve my rap skills." Killer Bee continued. Naruto frowned.

"What the fuck is '_rap_'?" he asked, frustrated at his lack of information regarding the words coming out of Killer Bee's mouth. It was Killer Bee's turn to gape at the blond.

"You're kidding me! Blondie, rap is music!" Killer Bee exclaimed. Naruto just shrugged.

"Are you sure? 'Cause it sure doesn't sound like music to me." Naruto replied, "But forget that for now. Tell me; how'd you know that I was the Kyuubi jinchuuriki and my name and all that? From a bingo book?"

"I ran into some of those Akatsuki goons a few weeks ago; they was asking about you. But you ain't listed in the bingo book as a jink, so no worries there." Killer Bee replied, "But yo, let's continue our battle! I wanna settle the mettle, faster than a pot kettle and... uhh..."

Naruto sighed. Killer Bee's presence here meant that Akatsuki was most likely close on the trail, meaning he'd have to leave Furou behind, lest the village be burned to the ground because he had to fight off the Akatsuki.

They were on the move once more.

Ever since Naruto and his team had fought off Sasori and Deidara to rescue Gaara, Akatsuki had taken another break from attempting to gather the jinchuuriki. Naruto had no idea why that was, and he really regretted that the information came to him _after_ he had left Konoha behind, but it was still welcome news. But now it seemed that they had once again remobilized.

Naruto would have to tread really carefully once again. But until then, he'd have as much fun as he could.

"Alright, let's do it." Naruto said suddenly, grinning at the slightly surprised look on Kirabi's face, "Let's see if nine really trumps eight."

Killer Bee grinned back.

"Yo, we on the-"

"But no rapping."

* * *

"Alright Fishcake, we got taijutsu covered, and I'm pretty sure that neither of us is any good at genjutsu. What you wanna do now?" Kirabi asked, folding his arms and staring at the blond from a distance. Naruto shrugged.

"Let's just fight." Naruto said, "Use whatever you want to."

"Alright!" Killer Bee exclaimed, and he drew all four of his swords, getting into the weirdest sword stance that Naruto had ever seen. In retaliation, Naruto summoned his own sword. The Cloud nin blinked at the sword popping out of nowhere.

"Hold up; I didn't know you did magic tricks. How'd you do that?"

"A magician never reveals his secrets." Naruto stated. Kirabi didn't reply, and there was a short pause between the two.

"Alright I'll tell you." Naruto said excitedly, feeling giddy, "Nobody ever asks me! It's pretty simple. I was studying fuuinjutsu and I got pretty annoyed about sealing shit inside and taking shit out of scrolls; that takes too fucking long. But after I realized that my chakra had affinity for wind, I decided to seal my things into the wind."

"Ohhhhh! I get- no, I don't get it." Killer Bee said, "How the hell do you seal things into the _wind_!?"

Naruto shrugged.

"I have no idea. I never bothered to learn the mechanics of fuuinjutsu; I hate that shit. You don't need to know how fuuinjutsu works in order to kill people with it." he replied, "All I know is that I'm sealing whatever I want into the wind."

"No hand-seals or nothing?"

Naruto shrugged again.

"I spent years perfecting it. But do you really want to just talk or do you wanna FIGHT!?" Naruto roared, giving Killer Bee no warning as he suddenly rushed at him with his sword at the ready.

Killer Bee reacted instantly, flipping forward, rolling in the air and attacking Naruto with his multitude of swords, aiming to stab. Naruto dodged the first sword and stepped on two others while pushing away the forth sword with his free hand. Swinging forward with his free hand, Naruto aimed to slice at Killer Bee's abdomen. However, the larger man shifted mid-motion, and one of his swords swerved straight towards the blond, leaving him without enough time to dodge it.

Just as Killer Bee was about to stab into the blond, another large object suddenly appeared between the two, pushing them apart. Recovering, Killer Bee looked on in disbelief at the... _couch_ that had suddenly appeared between the two.

Naruto just swore, looking at the sword that was now lodged in the couch.

"Damn it, that was a perfectly good couch." he complained, mourning his loss. Killer Bee grinned.

"Blondie; I can tell I'm gonna have a lot of fun with you."

And just like that, Killer Bee took his sword out of Naruto's poor couch, and sheathed it along with all of his others. Slamming his hands together, Killer Bee focused his massive chakra and began quickly sifting through hand-seals.

"LET'S SEE HOW YOU DO AGAINST MY LIGHTNING!" he roared, activating his lightning jutsu. As electricity suddenly covered Killer Bee's body, Naruto quickly began his own hand-seals.

"You don't have to yell." Naruto calmly replied, even as Killer Bee charged at him while covered in lightning chakra. Killer Bee jumped straight at the blond, and right as he was about to make contact, Naruto lightly tapped his foot on the ground. Large rectangular pillars suddenly rose dozens of feet from the ground, taking the blond with them.

Unable to stop his charge, Killer Bee smashed straight through one of them, tripping and falling onto the ground, cancelling out his lightning technique. He immediately rolled away to the side, barely avoiding getting crushed by the debris of the pillar he had charged through. As his roll ended, the Cloud jinchuuriki stood up, only to notice that he was now complete surrounded by a circular wall of hardened dirt.

_The hell?_ Killer Bee thought, confused at how quickly the pillars had merged together. The blond had clearly stated that he had an affinity for wind, not earth. This kind of manipulation was clearly that of someone who had mastered earth-nature chakra. However, Killer Bee had no time to ponder this as wood suddenly leaped out of the ground beneath him and wrapped around his arms, legs, and torso, holding him down.

Killer Bee pointedly ignored the fact that wood manipulation should've been a technique that died with the First Hokage.

"Damn it!" he cursed, as he struggled to break out of the wood, "What next!?"

He soon wished he hadn't asked.

The walls surrounding him suddenly melted, coming down upon the trapped jinchuuriki.

"Damn it! Noooo! My clothes are whiiii-" Killer Bee yelled out, getting cut off as the mud came crashing down upon him. Far away from the devastation of the once plush land, Naruto smirked.

"That was pretty easy." he remarked. He watched as Killer Bee rose out of the mud, dragging himself over to the blond, the mud slowing him down. He was covered from head to toe in mud, his white vest now ruined.

"Bitch, you totally ruined my get up!" Killer Bee said, glaring at Naruto who kept smirking, "But you completely caught me off guard. What's your secret?"

"I was using Kyuubi's chakra." Naruto replied. Killer Bee continued to wait for an answer, but Naruto wasn't going to be forthcoming about it. Killer Bee suddenly grinned again.

"I like you, kid. Hey listen, how about we go on a road trip? Travel throughout the land, put on a few rap concerts, hit the bars?" Killer Bee suggested. Amazingly, Naruto wasn't put off by the idea. It seemed like a plausible thing to do, especially if Akatsuki was coming this way.

"Bang the women?" Naruto added, looking hopeful. It was his way of agreeing with the older jinchuuriki, and they both knew it.

"If you want." Killer Bee replied, feeling excited at the idea of traveling with the jinchuuriki of the nine-tailed demon fox, "Come on; let's get going!"

"Already? How about you get cleaned up and we go get some drinks first?" Naruto asked, feeling slight fond of the annoying rapper.

"And where do I get cleaned up?" Killer Bee asked, still slightly angry at the blond for ruining his clothes. Naruto just tapped his foot on the ground again. Killer Bee gave the blond a suspicious look... right before the ground beneath his feet suddenly split open and he fell into a pool of water.

"Damn it blondie!" the Kumo-nin yelled at the blond, who had jumped away laughing.

"See you in town!" Naruto yelled back, speeding back to the town. He felt happier than he had in a while; this road trip may be exactly what he needed to put this whole Saya thing behind him.

* * *

Azusa came downstairs into the bar, not disappointed to find Naruto sitting at one of the tables with a large dark-skinned ninja, discussing something that she was not currently interested in listening to. Saya was behind the counter, pointed ignoring the blond, though sometimes casting furtive glances in his direction. Ever since Naruto and Saya had had their yelling match, Saya had gone out of her way to avoid the bad-tempered blond.

To Azusa, Saya was, for all intents and purposes, a daughter. Ever since she had witnessed her parents' murder (an event at which Azusa was also present), Saya had resided with Azusa for several years, during which time both Azusa and Fuu became fond of the brunette. Then, when she had been old enough, Saya moved out of their home to take up the bar that her parents had opened.

And since then, life had dredged on, normality and boredom taking prevalence in their lives.

Then, Naruto came. And everything changed.

He and Saya hadn't taken to each other. Naruto acted a 'perverted womanizer', as Saya called him, and Saya was a prude, as Naruto called her. However, despite the initially poor impressions both had for each other, Naruto and Saya's explosive interactions soon became exactly what each needed. Naruto brought adventure and excitement into Saya's normally drab life, and Saya brought a sense of normalcy and comfort to Naruto's lonely state of living.

They balanced each other out; an age-old recipe that Azusa had seen a plethora of times in her life. But it only worked if the two stayed together; and that was precisely why Azusa was currently approaching Naruto.

"Naruto-kun?"

Naruto's eyes met hers, and Azusa sadly noticed that they didn't light up as they usually did when he saw her. But she was partly to blame, after all. This was the first time she had approached the whiskered blond since he and Saya had their fight; she had spent most of her free time with Saya, and Naruto was probably a little hurt that she hadn't even checked on him. For reasons unknown to the gorgeous raven-haired beauty, Naruto seemed to hold a lot of stock with her opinion of him.

But that matter could be addressed later.

"Yeah?"

_He must really be upset that I had yet to approach him._ Azusa thought, a small amount of guilt, _He's not normally so reticent with me._

The bar was thankfully empty except for the four of them; the regular customers were likely working.

"I would like to inquire why your room is completely devoid of your belongings." Azusa stated. Naruto shrugged at her questioning not-question.

"I'm leaving." he replied. His reply gathered Saya's attention, though she still avoided directly looking at him, for fear of meeting his eyes.

Azusa raised an eyebrow.

"And were you going to tell us for how long?" she asked, her tone cold. Despite how hurt Naruto may be feeling, he was still being extremely _childish_. Had he planned to leave without informing anyone? It infuriated the customarily calm woman when Naruto shrugged again.

"I was." Naruto replied quietly. His quiet tone calmed Azusa anger somewhat.

"When will you be back?" Azusa asked the suddenly solemn blond. The sword-equipped ninja with ex-Konoha nin looked between the conversationalists with slight interest.

"I'm not sure." Naruto replied, glancing at his cohort, "Could be weeks, months, maybe even years. It might be never."

_That_ got Saya's undivided attention. She now looked at the blond, wide-eyed at Naruto's reply. Azusa continued their conversation as if Naruto hadn't said something so devastating to the lives of practically everybody in Furou; Naruto's various jobs brought in a large amount of money.

"Naruto!" Saya said, finally speaking up. Azusa hid her smile; the girl at least knew better than to hold on to a silly grudge, especially when someone as important to her as Naruto decided he wanted to leave. Naruto looked at Saya, surprised that she was speaking to him.

"I didn't sleep with Keitaro! I was up all night talking with his mother!" Saya told him frantically. Naruto looked even more surprised than he did when Saya spoke to him.

"I-" was all Naruto mattered to stutter out; he had realized his mistake.

"Look, you don't have to leave because of me. I'm sorry for everything that happened, but just... don't leave!" Saya said, sounding anxious, hopping over the counter and walking over to the small group. Naruto's surprise slowly ebbed away.

"That's not why I'm leaving." Naruto told Saya. Azusa's eyebrows furrowed at Naruto's reply.

"Then may I infer as to why you are leaving?" she asked.

"Yo, me and kid wonder over here are goin' on a tour of the world!" Killer Bee spoke up, "We gonna hit it big!"

"Ignore him." Naruto said firmly, "There are dangerous people after me. If they find me here, they'd likely destroy Furou and everyone in it, man, woman, and child."

Azusa felt the worry settle on her shoulders.

"Aren't you strong enough to handle these guys? You keep saying you're one of the strongest ninjas in the world!" Saya exclaimed, looking at the blond wildly. Naruto slowly shook his head.

"Not Akatsuki... they're extremely strong, and while I can probably defeat one of them on my own, I doubt that I can defeat two of them working together, and they always travel in pairs." Naruto replied, "That's why it's safer to travel from place to place, so I'll be harder to track."

"Not to mention Killer Bee here." Naruto said, motioning to his friend, "With him fighting alongside me, the two of us have a better chance at handling anything they might throw at us."

"Then why might you never come back? If the two of you can beat them, why wouldn't you come back to Furou?" Saya asked.

"Never is assuming that I'm dead. Even with our combined strength, the two of us are on our own; before, I at least had the Hidden Leaf watching my back." Naruto said. "These guys can likely take on an entire Hidden Village by themselves; the weakest of them is at least Kage-level."

"So you're just going to leave like that?" Saya asked, something in her voice tugging at Azusa's heart. Naruto's expression showed hints of him feeling the same tugging.

Silence descended upon the four of them, Killer Bee staying quiet for once. Naruto was the one to break the silence.

"Saya, I guess... I need to apologize to you. I was way over the line." Naruto apologized, "I was... just jealous, I guess. You were such a constant in my life, and just the thought of you giving any time to that bastard Keitaro... I guess I just lost it."

Naruto raised his hand to scratch the back of his head sheepishly, smiling weakly at the brunette, a habit he'd had since he was a kid.

"I didn't want to leave on such bad terms... especially since I'm not sure when I'll see you again." Naruto said, "Or even if I _would_ see you again."

"So... I'm sorry."

Saya just silently stared back at him, her face expressionless. Azusa couldn't help but let out a small sigh; the girl had reacted in a similar matter when her parents had been killed. Whenever Saya felt hurt, she closed herself up.

"Yo, Naru-Dawg, why don't she come with?" Killer Bee suggested. Saya's eyes snapped to the Cloud nin at his suggestion. Azusa felt like slapping the man.

At the very least, Naruto and Saya were going to part on a bittersweet note. Now, they might not even have that. Saya might have fought to keep Naruto in her life, but Azusa knew that the girl would not so easily decide to leave her home for a friend she couldn't even admit she liked.

However, before Saya's hesitance could hurt Naruto's feelings, Naruto spoke up.

"Not happening." he said, shooting down Killer Bee's suggestion, "It'll be too dangerous on the road. If we do happen to encounter Akatsuki, she'd be easily killed."

"I do know a little medical ninjutsu." Saya protested weakly.

"These guys can literally kill you before your brain realizes that you're dead." Naruto said, his voice taking a no-nonsense tone, "None of you can come."

"And what if they decide to target us while you're away?" Azusa asked, "There would be nothing to stop them."

"They won't." Naruto said confidently, "Akatsuki's only agenda is capturing me. They don't care about a town as unknown as Furou, and I plan on letting them see me far away from here so they don't even come into the area. Nothing will happen to Furou, rest assured."

"If you really wanna avoid Akatsuki, then let's get going." Killer Bee said, "I doubt they'll be taking their time getting here."

"Yeah." Naruto said, softly, though he didn't move.

"So that's it?" Saya asked quietly.

"Yeah." Naruto replied, "That's it."

The two just stood, neither able to think of anything to say. They had gotten so comfortable together, that now that they might be separated for a long time, the feeling of separation left a larger whole in their hearts than it might have otherwise..

"... What you want, a cookie?" Naruto said suddenly, grinning. Saya couldn't help but giggle at the old joke.

"You're the worst." Saya said, feeling slightly better.

"Yet you still love me." Naruto said, cringing slightly, expecting the usual blow from Saya that he usually received after saying things like that, but none came; Saya just stood there, staring at him, wide-eyed. Naruto's eyes slightly widened.

"Saya..." Naruto said, stepping closer to the brunette, putting his hands on her shoulders. Azusa watched the scene avidly; this might be the first time that either teen acknowledged the attraction each had for each other.

"Naruto..." Saya whispered back, unconsciously leaning forward ever so slightly.

"And Killer Bee, we on the rap attack, layin' the smack' on the wack!"

"SHUT UP!" everybody yelled, turning to him. Killer Bee slowly backed off into the corner, his hands raised in surrender.

Shaking his head, Naruto turned back to Saya, his hands still on her shoulders. He leaned his face towards hers, his lips parting ever so slightly... and...

"PSYCH!"

Azusa and Saya regarded the blond, completely taken by surprise.

"Whahahahaha! You should've seen the looks on your faces!" Naruto laughed, holding onto the table in mirth, "You looked like somebody killed your puppy! Ahahaha!"

"So... this whole leaving thing is a joke?" Saya asked, the beginnings of anger showing on her face. Naruto shook his head.

"No, I'm still leaving, but I'll be back for sure." he said, still chuckling, "It might be a few months, but I'll be back."

Saya shot the blond a calculating look; Naruto looked at her, puzzled.

"Still, a month is a long time. I don't want to wait that long." Saya told him, an odd flush on her face. Naruto tilted his head in confusion.

"What do you mean?"

"Naruto... I've decided that..." Saya started, placing her hand over her heart, "... if I _am_ going to lose my virginity, I want it to be with someone I trust... will you...?"

"Really?" Naruto asked, flabbergasted, "You want me to...?"

Azusa sighed, shaking her head; he never learned. Saya punched the hopeful blond in the face.

"HELL NO!"

_But,_ Azusa thought, smiling,_ at least things will be alright._

* * *

Saya sighed once again, absentmindedly wiping a mug clean. It had already been two weeks since Naruto had left on his road trip with Killer Bee, and she couldn't remember the last time she had been this bored. It was the usual slow time, meaning nobody was in the bar apart from her; Azusa was at the hospital and Fuu was off doing who-knows-what.

It was quite ironic that ever since Naruto left, Saya only then realized exactly how much she might miss him had he really left permanently. The blond really did bring a lot of happiness into her life. Perhaps a bit too much, since now she was bored to death without him here.

_Aahhhh!_ Saya screamed in her head, _For once, I just wish something interesting could happen around here!_

Unknown to Saya, her wish was soon about to come true. Outside Furou stood a dark-haired figure, regarding the village with cold eyes. He wore a dark cloak embroidered with puffy red clouds.

* * *

**END**

* * *

_**In a review by Ageant: "...Though the description has me thinking of a Naruto and Killer Bee road trip now..."**_

** Because seriously, what would this fic be without a road trip? Ageant, prepare for the sheer amount of awesomeness that you have wrought with your puny little review! **

** I've tried writing this chapter for a long time now, and I never did get it satisfactory to my literary tastes (it always came off as jumpy or choppy); eventually I got tired of trying to fix it. But it was still fun to write, and I hope it was as fun to read.**

** Make sure to leave a comment! Not asking for a dissertation, though that would be **_**much **_**appreciated.**

** knuckz**

** PS: Rape and adultery was mentioned several times in this chapter. Despite the joking manner in which it was presented, I do NOT condone such actions. So please, please, PLEASE do not cheat on your partner!**

** PPS: Oh right, and don't rape people either.**


	5. Catch of the Century

What's New, Naruto?

By knuckz

* * *

Summary: Uzumaki Naruto was not kicked out of Konoha; he left of his own accord. Not enough money, and no health or dental coverage? It was a bad job, really. Swearing and mature themes.

* * *

**05 – Catch of the Century**

* * *

"Help!" Naruto cried out, his voice taking an oddly high pitch, "Help me, Killer Bee!"

Killer Bee turned around at the sound of his name, noticing Naruto running towards him. The blond was clad in boxers and a bucket-hat only, and Killer Bee just _knew_ that this had something to do with a woman.

"What's wrong, blondfry?" Killer Bee asked.

"You gotta help me, man!" Naruto said, looking about frantically.

"What's wrong, whiskercake?" Killer Bee repeated.

"What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG!?" Naruto cried out, grabbing the taller man by the front of his vest, "What's _wrong_ is that bitch be crazy!"

"Get back here blondie!"

"Oh shit!" Naruto looked back, before taking off again. A few seconds later, a blonde girl ran past Killer Bee after the whiskered blond, yelling things that made the Kumo nin cringe.

Killer Bee watched the deranged beauty chase her prey into the sunset.

* * *

"Alright, y'all! Gather 'round!" Killer Bee suddenly exclaimed. The people walking in the streets paused, staring at the man (though some increased their pace to get away from him).

"Yo, I'm on a quest here to wreck; so don't be a sap and listen to Killer Bee's rap!" the dark-skinned jinchuuriki started rapping, "And if things start to go south, we still got 'The Potty Mouth'!"

Nobody answered.

"I said, we still got '_The Potty Mouth_'!" Killer Bee repeated.

Nobody answered.

Killer Bee whipped around, finding Naruto chatting up a pretty woman, who was blushing at his no doubt lewd comments.

"Oi, Naruto!" Killer Bee called angrily, "That's your signal!"

Naruto distractedly looked at him, laughing at the girl's blushing reaction to something he had mentioned.

"Huh?" he replied eloquently, still chuckling lightly.

"How is the audience gonna enjoy 'Killer Bee and The Potty Mouth' if The Potty Mouth ain't here!" Killer Bee roared, stomping his foot on the ground in frustration, "Let's get this show on the road!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Naruto asked, confused, "What show? What _audience_?"

The Kumo nin pointed at the people behind him, not even looking back.

"_That_ audience!"

Naruto looked at him as if he were a lunatic, before turning back to the red-head who had slowly been growing impatient.

Then Killer Bee turned around, only to see that nobody was there.

"What the...? Hey!" he yelled, running after the people that had left, "Come back here! Killer Bee was about to get busy!"

* * *

"And so, the three little pigs gathered in the third house, which was made of bricks." the teacher read aloud, showing her students the pictures in the book. Her young students watched and listened, wide-eyed and attentive.

"And the wolf came again. He said, '_Your house won't stop me!_', but the three little pigs laughed, saying, '_You can't blow down our brick house!_'" the pretty teacher read from the book, turning the page and showing the children the pictures. She smiled at their attentiveness.

To her, teaching was more than just a job. Working with these adorable young children was her life; the very innocence each child had was worth more than any salary.

"And the wolf said, '_Well then I'll huff,_'" she continued, "'_and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house _-'"

"-up!" Naruto suddenly exclaimed, walking past the open window, "Man, it was _gory_! There was blood everywhere, and all these body parts lying around; they didn't stand a chance!"

The teacher stared, open-mouthed, as the blond and his large companion walked away, openly laughing at the gruesome aspects of people that had been blown up. And then she heard a small hiccup.

Turning back to the source of the sound, she noticed a cute little girl with pig-tails start to cry.

"Se-sen-sensei!" she wailed, and soon, the rest of her classmates joined in, crying at Naruto's inadvertent alternate ending to the timeless classic.

"And it was all like 'Aaaaahhhhh! Save us!' and then 'KABOOM!'" Naruto could be heard saying in the distance, as the teacher tried to comfort her now scarred-for-life kids.

* * *

"Oh my god!" someone exclaimed, attracting the attention of the two jinchuuriki, "He's gonna jump!"

Naruto and Killer Bee walked over to the gathered crowd, spotting a man who was standing at the edge of a rather tall building. The man in question stared down at the people with a forlorn expression on his face.

"Daisuke!" screamed a woman nearby, "Daisuke, why are you doing this!?"

"I couldn't stand it! I couldn't stand it anymore! I can't..." Daisuke replied, sounding defeated, "I can't do this anymore!"

"But, Daisuke! You're rich and happy! This isn't like you!" someone else replied, this time a man. Daisuke snarled back at him.

"You don't know me! You don't what it's like to be me!" the distraught man screamed down.

"What!?" Naruto shouted back at him, cupping his hands around his mouth to amplify his voice. The suicidal man looked at the blond.

"You don't know me!"

"Could you repeat that!? I couldn't hear you!" Naruto continued to shout at the man.

"I said, you don't know me!" Daisuke shouted back.

"Ohh! Okay! I know that!" Naruto once again shouted back.

"What do you mean!?" Daisuke asked.

"What I mean is that of course I don't know you! Are you an idiot or someth-" the woman next to Naruto violently pulled on his arm, interrupting him.

"Ow, what the fu-"

"What are you doing!?" she furiously whispered, glaring at him, "You'll make him jump!"

Naruto shrugged.

"Don't worry; I know what I'm doing." the mischievous blond replied. Daisuke interrupted them.

"Don't try to stop me!" he screamed down, "I'm going to jump!"

"Okay!" Naruto screamed back up at him, stepping forward directly beneath where the man would land should he jump.

"What!?" Daisuke ask-shouted.

"Go ahead!" Naruto shouted at him, "Jump on down here!"

"I-" Daisuke faltered, shaking. A piece of paper suddenly fell from his pocket, floating down to Naruto, who snatched it out of the air. Opening it, Naruto quickly scanned the contents.

"A suicide note?" he said to himself. After reading it, Naruto sent a quick glance at the woman who had yanked his arm. Daisuke seemed to have understood what happened.

"You see!? Now do you understand why!?" Daisuke shouted, tears in his eyes. Naruto rolled his eyes before replying.

"Oi!" Naruto shouted back, pointing to a particular word on the sheet, "You misspelled 'useless'!"

Daisuke let out a choked sob and a wail, before flinging himself off the roof of the building, eliciting shrieks and cries from the tentatively watching crowd. Naruto watched as the screaming man fell towards him, on a straight path for collision.

The blond surreptitiously snapped off a few quick hand seals, waiting for the man to impact him. Right before the falling man would have smacked into Naruto, the blond took a large step back, allowing the man to hit the ground instead.

"Daisuke!" the woman shrieked, rushing forward, pushing Naruto out of the way. To her great surprise, the suicidal man had not died on impact; Daisuke lay on the ground, groaning in pain, but otherwise fine. Wide-eyed, she looked back, only to see that the blond had disappeared.

Already a ways away, Killer Bee chuckled. Naruto sent him a sidelong glance.

"What's so funny?" Naruto asked.

"I didn't know you had a heart, Kyuubster." Killer Bee said, "I thought I was gonna have to save him, but I saw you do your jutsu."

Naruto shrugged.

"So why'd you do it?" Killer Bee asked. Naruto smirked, taking out the forgotten suicide note from his pocket.

"That woman was his girlfriend." Naruto replied, handing the paper to Killer Bee, "And I-"

"-slept with her, yeah I got it." Killer Bee finished, shaking his head, "You really are something else, blondie."

* * *

"Buahahaha!" Killer Bee roared in laughter, spotting a flash of blond near the entrance of the bar, "That's the guy right there; oi, Naruto!"

Naruto looked over to where Killer Bee was seated and walked over.

"Yo." Naruto replied, "What's up?"

Killer Bee nodded towards his seat-mates, three other males who were riffling through a deck of cards.

"Join us for a game; we need a fifth." Killer Bee said.

"Sure." Naruto replied, but unfortunately, there was no extra chair for the blond.

"Lemme just get a chair." Naruto said, looking around. He instantly spotted a free chair at a table where a lone blonde woman sat, drinking from a wine glass. Already grinning, Naruto walked over. The woman looked at him with a slight smile, spotting his approach.

"Hey there!" Naruto said, greeting the woman with a flirtatious smile.

"Oh, hello." she replied, smiling back. Naruto's smile morphed into a winning grin.

"Is this seat taken?" he asked, and he saw a spark of happiness in the woman's eyes; he was probably the first (worthy) man to approach her all night.

"Not at all." the pretty blonde replied, watching his every move; maybe her night might not be so bad after all.

"Cool, thanks." Naruto replied smilingly.

Then he took the chair and left, leaving her looking like a gaping fish.

* * *

Killer Bee watched Naruto standing at the edge of a building, peeking around the corner. Walking up to the blond, the large man stopped right behind him.

"What you up to, whiskerslice?" Killer Bee whispered, "Peed on a naked woman again?"

Naruto turned his head slightly to acknowledge his travelling companion.

"I told you that was an accident!" Naruto whispered back furiously, giving the Kumo nin the evil eye, "And I'm playing a prank with my Kage Bunshin; check it out."

Killer Bee watched the scene unfold, as the Naruto clone ran up to a couple out for a walk with their young kids.

"Heeeey! Hey!" the Naruto clone called, at which the couple turned and looked at him curiously. Naruto slowed to a stop as he caught up with the family, pretending to be breathing heavy from his run.

"Hey, wanna see a dead body?" the Naruto clone asked.

"Huh?" the husband replied, confused. Without waiting for a reply, the Naruto clone took out a kunai and stabbed himself, showering blood onto the horror-struck family before falling to the ground.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" they all shrieked simultaneously, staring at the 'dead' body in horror.

"Ahahahaha!" the real Naruto laughed, clutching onto Killer Bee to keep himself from falling. Beside him, Killer Bee looked at the blond in amazement.

"It was... hehe... just sheep's blood... ahaha." Naruto explained, still chuckling at his prank. Glancing once again at the still screaming family, now covered in sheep's blood, Killer Bee could only shake his head.

"Man, you're a real fucked up person, Naruto."

* * *

"Man, that was a great three weeks." Naruto said to Killer Bee, "So much fuuuuuuuun!"

Killer Bee gave him a bemused look.

"It's only been four days, blondasaurus rex." Killer Bee said, "You were just too drunk to notice."

"Whaaaaaaaaat!?" Naruto said in response, "No waaaaaay!"

"It's true." Killer Bee replied, nodding, "As a matter of fact, you're drunk right now."

Naruto looked at the ground. Indeed, it was swaying. Or was it he that was swaying?

"Huh. How 'bout that?"

* * *

Killer Bee and Naruto walked down the dusty path, surrounded by nothing but forestry. They were headed towards the nearest neighbouring town, and the route they were taking was the quickest; however, it was also a very deserted road, meaning they had no chance of blending into a crowd should they encounter an unwanted situation.

"Hey." Killer Bee suddenly spoke up, attracting Naruto's attention, "Look."

Killer Bee gestured towards a figure of a man lying against a tree, blood seeping all around him. The two jinchuuriki cautiously approached, lest it be a trap. Up close, they noticed that the man was not a ninja.

"He's dead?" Naruto spoke aloud, peering closely at the body. Killer Bee reached out and pressed his fingers against the man's wrist, feeling for a pulse.

"No." the dark-skinned man replied, "He's barely alive."

"You mean he's mostly dead." Naruto replied. Killer Bee looked at him thoughtfully.

"Isn't that the same thing?" he asked.

"I think so." Naruto replied, tapping his chin contemplatively, "I mean, if you have half a glass of water, then it's either half empty or half full. But they mean the same thing, right?"

"Yup." Killer Bee replied, nodding his head sagely, "What's that called again?"

"Optometry and pacifism?"

Killer Bee snapped his fingers in recognition.

"Yeah, that's it!" he said, "Naruto, you're such a pacifist!"

"Shut up you damn optometrist." Naruto joked back, "So, what should we do with this mostly-dead guy?"

"I guess we should rush him to a hospi-"

The man suddenly convulsed, causing both ninja's to jump back reflexively. It was just in time as well, as the man suddenly exploded.

The two jinchuuriki's watched the scene with no small amount of surprise.

"Well..." Naruto slowly commented, "I guess he's completely dead now."

"That's pretty disgusting." Killer Bee said, "I wonder why that happened?"

Naruto shrugged.

"Maybe it was a trap." the blond suggested. Killer Bee nodded understandingly.

"Then... should we just be standing around here?" he asked.

"Probably not." Naruto replied, "But hey; what can you do? We can't just... _not_ stand."

"True, true..."

The two stood around in silence, watching the gruesome remains of the body with thoughtful impressions, when two others suddenly stepped out from the bushes.

"Well, well... look who it is."

Deidara and Hidan stepped out into the open, grinning at the two jinchuuriki.

"Looks like we caught some beasts with our trap, yeah." Deidara said, leering. Naruto raised an eyebrow.

"Are you a fucking retard or something?" he asked, smirking, "We knew you were there the whole time. Inwardly, Naruto was thinking something else.

_Fucking shit, I didn't even notice these fuckers_.

"Oi, Deidara! Let's spill some blood!" the other Akatsuki member said, grinning. Naruto looked over at him.

"Who the fuck are you?" he asked, never having seen him before, "Akatsuki letting just anyone join these days?"

"Fuck you!" Hidan cursed, "I'll fucking gut you like a fish!"

"This is Hidan." Deidara introduced, "He's immortal."

Hidan looked at the two jinchuuriki smugly, slinging his red scythe onto his shoulders. Naruto looked over at Killer Bee, who had been quietly observing, no doubt taking in information on their two deadly enemies.

Or thinking up a rap. Naruto never knew with him.

"So which one you wanna kill, Bee?" Naruto asked casually, "Bomb dude or immortal guy?"

"We could flip a coin for tails or head, but it doesn't really matter cause they already dead." Killer Bee rapped. Deidara grinned.

"Interesting, yeah. I wonder how you'll do against my art." the blond said.

"Art?"

"Art is a blast!" Deidara said with great vigour, "My explosions are a true art; true art only lasts for a few moments, but you'll remember it for the rest of your life!"

"Kind of like a stillbirth?" Naruto offered.

"Yeah! Kind of like... a..." Deidara started, trailing off and glaring at the blond, "Man, fuck you."

"Yeah, he's pretty mean." Killer Bee said, "But anyway, let's get you killed."

"You can try." Deidara said, reaching into his pocket and letting his hand-mouths chew on some clay. Naruto absentmindedly noticed that the blond ex-Iwa nin had both his arms again.

"Man, this is fucked up; I was just beginning to enjoy my vacation." Naruto said, readying himself.

"O Jashin-sama, bless this blood which I am about to take." Hidan prayed. And there was a flurry of movement.

Killer Bee punched Deidara in the side of the head, ignoring the small spiders that the three-mouthed man had released. The blond missing-nin fell back, avoiding another fist from the heavy-set Kumo jinchuuriki. Just then, the clay spiders that Deidara had planted on his body exploded.

Deidara grinned, having tricked the dark-skinned Kumo nin, but to his great surprise, Killer Bee stepped out from the smoke, unharmed. Killer Bee leered at the blond, grinning and cracking his knuckles.

"You can't beat the ox's power." Killer Bee explained, "It allows me to harden my skin to the point where not even the sharpest sword can cut through it. Your little explosions are nothing."

Deidara grit his teeth at Killer Bee's proclamation.

_Damn it, _Deidara swore, _Those spiders were made of my special clay too. His abilities completely nullifies Hidan's and mines. This isn't looking too good._

Meanwhile, Hidan swung his red scythe, aiming to slash across Naruto's chest, but the blond had jumped over the immortal, summoning his sword in the air. Swinging, Naruto's sword met Hidan's scythe with a loud clang. With his other hand, Naruto summoned another sword and once again tried to lop Hidan's head off, but the immortal simply turned his scythe, blocking Naruto's second swipe with the second blade attached to his scythe.

Still in the momentum of his jump, Naruto let go of his swords, opting to land and attack from another position, but Hidan swung at him again, not allowing the blond to land. Right before Naruto was about to be slashed, the blond summoned his wind-natured chakra and pushed, narrowly avoiding Hidan's deadly attack by moving further back in mid-air.

Hidan clutched his throat, coughing as Naruto's small gust of wind blew something into his mouth. Instead of opting to cough up whatever had gone into his mouth, Naruto watched the scythe-wielding immortal swallow it instead.

"You're not very smart, are you?" Naruto asked, giving the man an odd smile.

"You bastard!" Hidan shouted, "I'm going to drain every drop of your blood from your rotting corpse!"

"Won't you upset your leader if you try to kill me?" Naruto asked curiously.

"Fuck him!" Hidan cursed, "He ain't been the same since that orange-masked motherfucker turned traitor!"

If the blond jinchuuriki found that information to be important, he didn't show it.

"Well, you've already lost." Naruto said.

"Fuck you! I'm immortal; I can't die!" Hidan replied.

"Well, then have fun living in pieces." Naruto said. Hidan looked at him, confused.

"The hell are you talking about?" the perpetually-enraged Akatsuki-nin asked.

"Explosionsayswhat." Naruto smirked, speaking faster than Hidan could hear.

"...What?"

BOOM!

Killer Bee and Deidara suddenly looked towards their respective partners after witnessing the ground-shaking explosion. Smoke was rising from a small crater where Hidan had been standing. All that was left of him were his feet and other assortments of body parts that were no longer distinguishable. Miraculously, Hidan's head was still intact. And it was also still alive, and cursing up a storm at the blond jinchuuriki.

"Fuck you! I'll fucking..."

"Idiot." Naruto said, turning his attention to Killer Bee and Deidara, "He swallowed my bomb. I think it's safe to say that he just got-"

"Don't say it!" Killer Bee said suddenly.

"-Narutowned!"

"Bastard! Just wait 'til I..."

Killer Bee turned back to Deidara, shaking his head at Naruto's joke, who looked between the two jinchuuriki, unsure of what to do. The Kumo jinchuuriki spoke first.

"Now then; it's your turn to die, and Killer Bee will be the guy."

Deidara glowered at him.

"I'm not as easy to defeat as Hidan." the ninja said, "Besides, who says that I'm really here?"

"Fuck you Deidara! Get my body back you..."

Naruto's eyes widened at his proclamation.

"Bee, get away!" he shouted, gathering Killer Bee's attention, "It's a bomb!"

The Deidara clone suddenly puffed up and started glowing, cracks and fissures running up and down his body and face. Killer Bee looked back at Deidara in surprise.

"Oh shi-"

KABOOM!

* * *

"Well, he's gone..." Naruto commented, speaking of Deidara. Killer Bee nodded sagely.

"He was pretty weak." Killer Bee said, "I could've killed him easily."

"He isn't as weak as you're making him out to be." Naruto warned his fellow demon-container, "You were the worst possible enemy for him because of your steel skin technique; none of his smaller explosions could have hurt you. But generally, he's pretty strong from what I remember."

"What about this guy?" Killer Bee said, looking down at Hidan's head.

"His immortality is the only thing that he has going for him." Naruto said, ignoring Hidan's vehement cursing, "I didn't give him the chance to show off any of his other abilities."

"We should get going." Killer Bee said, "There'll be a crowd here soon."

"Yeah." Naruto replied, before looking down at Hidan's head, grinning evilly. Hidan paused in his cursing, getting a foreboding feeling.

"Actually, you go on ahead and I'll catch up." Naruto said, the mischief in his voice evident, "I need to take a leak."

Killer Bee left, grinning and shaking his head fondly.

_Heh, that guy._

"Hey, hey, no! What the fuck're you do- NO! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! NO, DON- AAAAGHHHHH!"

* * *

Saya looked fearfully at the spinning crimson eyes.

_It… I can't believe it's going to end like this…_

Tears trailed down her cheeks. The dark-haired man brought out a kunai, clearly meaning to end her life. Around them, the village of Furou burned.

_I want to see you again…_

The man's arm blurred towards her face; Saya instinctively shut her eyes.

_Naruto…!_

There was the disgusting sound of a kunai piercing flesh. Then… darkness.

* * *

_Naruto!_

Naruto shivered. Stopping suddenly, Naruto looked behind him, the direction at which Furou was located. Beside him, Killer Bee also paused, looking at the blond curiously.

_That sounded like Saya._ Naruto thought.

"What's wrong, Pottyblond?" Kirabi asked. Naruto shook his head.

"Nothing." Naruto replied, "Must've been my imagination. Let's go."

And he kept on walking, leaving Furou behind him.

* * *

Once in the next town, Naruto immediately spotted his next sexual conquest. Though he could only see the back of the dark brown-haired woman, the slim figure, despite being covered up modestly, assured him she was likely drop-dead gorgeous.

He stepped beside her, slipping his arm around her shoulder.

"Hey there gorgeo -OH MY GOD YOU'RE NEJI!"

Neji stepped away from the blond, shrugging off the blond's arm, gaping at him.

"Naruto!"

* * *

**END**

* * *

**I'm surprised that this chapter came out as quick as it did. I guess that this story just writes itself. Anyway, I'm quite happy with the positive response I received last chapter; I hope this chapter lives up to that standard, despite its shorter length. Not to mention that the beginning scenes were pretty much only for humour.**

**'Narutowned' is a reference to the Youtube video of the same name by 'KentaroPJJ'. It's quite old, but still pretty hilarious.  
**

** Anyway, thanks to everyone for their reviews (I always read every single one), and be sure to leave another! I love 'em!**

** knuckz**


	6. Flaming Furou

What's New, Naruto?

By knuckz

* * *

Summary: Uzumaki Naruto was not kicked out of Konoha; he left of his own accord. Not enough money, and no health or dental coverage? It was a bad job, really. Swearing and mature themes.

* * *

**06 – Flaming Furou**

* * *

"N-Neji!"

Neji took a single step back, surprised at the sight, not having seen the blond for years. The two eyed each other in shock, but it was Neji that spoke first.

"Vaginal sex!" he blurted out. Naruto's mouth popped open, before closing, as he gave the white-eyed man a confused look.

"What?"

Neji shook his head.

"I mean... I don't swing that way..." Neji said, shuddering. Killer Bee took the time to properly introduce himself.

"Bwahahaha!" the dark-skinned Kumo nin laughed, bent over and slapping his hands on his thighs, "He! He thinks you're! Ahahaha!"

Naruto gave his fellow jinchuuriki an annoyed glance before turning back to the misled Hyuuga.

"Oh no, it's not like that! Ahaha, I thought you were a girl! Uzumaki Naruto is one hundred percent straight!" Naruto said, laughing awkwardly. At Naruto's words, Neji visibly relaxed. It was then that Naruto truly realized the situation he was in.

_Ah shit._

It must've been visible on his face, because Neji seemed to have realized it as well. Naruto was quick to jump to his base plan.

"It's good to see you man!" Naruto exclaimed. Neji smiled and nodded.

"Likewise." the Hyuuga ninja replied, "However, you will be coming back to Konoha with me regardless."

_And the gig is up._ Naruto thought forlornly. But he would die fighting.

"What if I told you that Konoha would blow up if I went back?" Naruto said. Neji shrugged, easily smelling the bullshit.

"Then, we'll have to build a new village." Neji replied, before turning to Killer Bee, "Who are you?"

"Yo, my name is Killer Bee, and as you can see, I am a Kumo nin and I was born to win." Kirabi rapped. Naruto shook his head.

"Ignore him. He's just some no-talent bum that started following me around." Naruto said, hiding a grin as Killer Bee gave him an annoyed look, "So what brings you to the town of..."

The whiskered blond paused, and looked at Killer Bee.

"What's the name of this town anyway?" he asked. Killer Bee shrugged.

"No clue." came the shrugging reply.

Naruto turned back to Neji.

"The town 'in which I will undeniably get some'." the blond told his old comrade, smirking. Neji smirked back.

"We'll see if you will undeniably 'get some' when we return to Konoha." Neji replied, causing Naruto to flinch slightly, "Anyway, it no longer matters why I'm here. Now that I have found you, my new first priority is to get you back to Konoha."

"I'll be killed!"

"You only have a C-class Bingo Book rating."

"I'll be tortured!"

"I doubt Tsunade-sama will let that come to pass."

"I'll be raped!"

"No doubt, you will enjoy it."

"I'll be-"

"This is getting old really fast, Naruto." Neji interrupted, frowning, "Now come; we must gather my teammates."

Naruto shuddered at the mention of Neji's teammates.

"Does Lee still wear that really _gay_ outfit?" Naruto asked, shuddering again. Neji nodded.

"Both he and Gai-sensei." Neji replied. Then, both he and Naruto shuddered.

"By Gai, do you mean Maito Gai?" Killer Bee spoke up. Neji nodded in confirmation. Then Killer Bee shuddered.

"I've seen that guy before... Bee has never seen a man that liked such tight clothes." he said, shuddering again.

"You think that's bad?" Naruto replied, whimpering, "His student wears the same type of clothing. And they... _hug_."

Naruto, Neji, and Killer Bee all shuddered together.

"I feel like I'm forgetting someone else on your team." Naruto said, stroking his chin in thought. Neji shrugged. And they didn't give it another thought.

"Fortunately, they are not my teammates for this mission." Neji said. Naruto let out a sigh of relief. He definitely didn't want a hug from Lee.

"Who you with?" Naruo asked curiously.

"Kurenai-sensei, Hinata-sama, and dog-boy." Neji replied, glancing around, before taking out a pen and a scroll and scrawling something across it. He whistled and immediately, a bird swooped out of the sky, landing on the Hyuuga's outstretched arm. Neji rolled up the scroll and handed it to the bird which flew off.

Naruto and Killer Bee watched him with dismay.

"You really are serious." Naruto declared, "You're going to take me back to Konoha!"

Neji nodded.

"You can't!" Killer Bee exclaimed, gathering the jounin's attention, "We were vacationing! We were just about to smack the wack with our rap attack!"

Naruto nodded sagely.

"He's right; our wack-smacking rap-attacking was just about ready for cracking." the blond said, at which Killer Bee looked at him in amazement.

"Hey! That wasn't half bad, blonderella!"

Naruto shrugged.

"After watching you, I got an idea of what not to do." Naruto said, effectively killing any joy the Kumo nin might have felt. Killer Bee hung his head sadly. Neji ignored their plight.

"Come." Neji said, turning, "We're going to meet up with Kurenai-sensei."

"Can I skip out on that?" Naruto asked, "Kurenai wasn't always my biggest fan back in the day."

"No. Follow me." Neji replied, walking. Helplessly, Naruto and Killer Bee followed after him.

"What if I catch up with you later?" Naruto asked, "I gotta pop a dookie."

"A what?" Neji asked.

"You know... I have to drop my kids off at the pool."

"You have children?" Neji asked, giving the blond a raised eyebrow in disbelief.

"He means that he's going to make chocolate fudge brownies." Killer Bee spoke up, trying to explain. This didn't help Neji in the slightest.

"Why would he need to make brownies? For his children?"

Naruto smacked his forehead.

"Oh come _on_, man! The big brown man is knocking on my back door!"

"You're not even inside of a house." Neji said, "I don't understand you at all."

"Come on, man! He needs to chop a log!" Killer Bee said, eyeing Neji in exasperation.

"Is he a part-time lumberjack of some sort?"

"Gah! Neji! I need to audit my _ass_ets." Naruto said, emphasizing at the right part.

"I wasn't aware that you owned property." Neji replied, looking slightly impressed. Kirabi gave the Hyuuga a suspicious glance.

"He's coiling a steamer?" Bee asked, getting a feel for Neji's ignorance. Neji shook his head, not understanding. The large Kumo shinobi looked at Naruto, slightly surprised. Naruto looked back, before snapping his eyes back towards the Hyuuga.

"I need to bury an elf." Naruto said, testing the waters as well. Neji closed his eyes and shook his head exasperatedly.

"Elves don't exist, Naruto."

Suddenly, Naruto and Killer Bee simultaneously grinned.

"He wants to build a dookie castle."

"I have to drill for mud bunnies."

"We gotta be quick, 'cause he's going to give a dirty birth."

"There're some kittens I have to drown."

"He wants to honk out a dirt snake."

"I need to floss."

"He's going to force the duck to quack."

"I need to vacate the premises."

"He has to dig for some fertilizer."

"There's going to be a full moon over the troubled waters."

"He's going to ignite the rectal rocket."

"I have to plant a bouquet of brown roses."

"He's gotta pinch the chimp."

"The turtle wants to poke its head out."

"He has to rock his rectum."

"I'm going to pollute the pond."

"He wants to watch a dolphin splash."

"I need to unleash the unholy leviathan."

"He's going to go void his bowels."

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT!?" Neji finally snapped, glaring at the two of them, Byakugan activated for the intimidation factor. Naruto and Killer Bee erupted in laughter.

"Dude... haha..." Naruto gasped, clutching his aching sides, "I need to take a shit."

Neji gave them a disbelieving look, still unsure of what they were talking about. Then he went over some of the things they had said. Then, much to their amusement and continued laughter, he palmed his face.

"That was the most..." he started, but decided that some things were better off left unsaid.

* * *

The trio finally reached their destination, where there were people waiting for them.

Yuuhi Kurenai, Hyuuga Hinata, Inuzuka Kiba, and an insanely large dog by the name of Akamaru.

"Neji-niisan, we got your... message..." Hinata started immediately, trailing off as she caught sight of Naruto.

_Naruto-kun!_ she thought, surprised to see the blond. The laughter died from Naruto's face.

"Hinata..." Naruto whispered. The two eyed each other for a moment, surprised to see each other, despite knowing about it beforehand. Nobody else spoke, looking at the two shinobi.

"Hinata, you bitch!" Naruto suddenly spat, causing everybody to look at him in shock. Hinata also gazed at him in surprise, wide-eyed at the sudden vehemence.

"Naruto-kun?" Hinata said warily.

"You cheated on me!" Naruto reacted, roaring, "I can't stand to be in Konoha because of that! Why do you think I left!?"

"But... Naruto-kun...!" Hinata started, her face reddening.

"No 'buts'! I can't be in Konoha with the one who broke my heart!" Naruto said, pointing straight at the girl. Hinata watched him with a quivering lip and a shocked expression. Tears slowly sprung to the tip of her eyes. Neji interrupted once more.

"Ignore him, Hinata-sama. He's making it up so he doesn't have to go back to Konoha." Neji said, shaking his head in exasperation. Naruto clutched his shirt where his heart was, glaring at Neji.

"How can you deny the feelings that are in my hear- yeah, never mind. Nothing ever works with you." Naruto cut himself off, smoothing out his shirt. Hinata relaxed. Naruto smiled at her.

"Let's start over. What's up, Hinata?" Naruto asked, grinning. Hinata just smiled back at him.

"Naruto-kun-"

"Kurenai-sensei!" Kiba suddenly cut in, sending his teacher a warning message.

"Kiba-kun?" Kurena replied. Kiba turned to Neji.

"Neji!"

Neji nodded, tapping the side of his head, pointing at his eyes. Killer Bee suddenly shifted, clenching Naruto's shoulder.

"Bee?" Naruto asked, turning his head towards the Kumo nin.

"KIIII-RAAA-BIIIIIIIII!!!!!"

All heads turned to the source of the shout, as Killer Bee froze in place, standing rigidly. Slowly, he turned his head to see a blonde woman with a braided ponytail.

And she did not look happy.

"H-hey, Yugit-" Kirabi started, only to be whacked in the face with a thrown novel, titled 'Twilight'. Naruto had never felt such hatred as he did when he caught sight of it.

"DON'T YUGITO ME!! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!?" Yugito roared at him, "YOUR BROTHER'S BEEN UP MY BUTT ABOUT FINDING YOU!"

"What I wouldn't give to be your brother, Bee." Naruto commented, smirking. Yugito gave him a look. Naruto whimpered.

"Who the hell are you?" Yugito asked, her voice immediately calm. Kirabi let out a deep sigh of relief; Naruto was likely to bear the brunt of the force that the violent girl was no doubt about to give.

"Uzumaki Naruto, at your service. Say, how about me and you show these commoners that blonds have way more fun?" Naruto said, grinning slyly. Yugito eyed him, and then looked back at the nervous Bee.

"Huh." was all she said.

"Wh-what's up, Yugito?" Killer Bee tentatively asked. Yugito looked back at him.

"I can't decide who's more annoying; you or fishcake over here." she replied. Naruto ignored her comment.

"Well, fishcake is delicious, so I'll take that as a compliment." Naruto said, before waggling his eyebrows, "So... do you want to taste some fishcake?"

Yugito nodded. Hinata blushed at Naruto's comment.

"Definitely him." she said. Kurenai took this moment to step forward.

"Excuse me, Yugito-san." the raven-haired beauty said, "This man is a Konoha missing-nin, and we are under duty to escort him back to Konoha. It would not help us if you mauled him, so perhaps we can strike up a deal."

Yugito instantly went into what Killer Bee called 'diplomatic relations mode'.

"Very well." the blonde Kumo-nin said, "What do you have in mind?"

"Well, it seems that your target and our target have been traveling together, so perhaps both will agree to accompany our respective selves back to our villages." Kurenai offered, "And we won't interfere with the others mission."

"Seems like the sensible thing to do." Yugito said. Naruto and Killer Bee both hung their heads.

_Why do good things always have to come to an end?_ Naruto thought.

"Come on, Bee. We're leaving immediately." Yugito said, in a voice that allowed for no argument. Killer Bee looked at Naruto morosely.

"At least let me say good-bye." Killer Bee said, giving her a pleading look. Yugito sighed in annoyance, but gave her comrade-in-arms the go-ahead.

"Well, I guess this is it, Kyuuberella." Killer Bee said sadly, holding out his hand, "I'm gonna miss you and your antics man. Good luck with Konoha."

Naruto shook his hand.

"Don't worry about me." Naruto said, grinning, "Kurenai said that she was going to be my 'escort'."

Killer Bee let out a sharp laugh.

"Hahaha! Man, I'm seriously going to miss you." Bee repeated. They were still shaking hands.

"Yeah man." Naruto said, "But at least Kurenai-sensei is going to 'escort' me."

Kirabi let out another sharp laugh.

"Wow, I'm gonna miss you man. It was fun."

"I'm sure it'll be fun with Kurenai-sensei 'escorting' me."

Bee laughed sharply.

"Oh man. I'll be missing you."

"Don't worry; I have an 'escort'."

"Ahaha! Blondie, I'm totally going to miss-"

Kurenai and Yugito simultaneously clobbered both jinchuuriki on the heads, sending them face-first into the dirt.

"Shut up!"

* * *

"Well, now that that's over with, let's get going back to Konoha." Kiba said. Akamaru barked/roared in agreement. Naruto shook his head.

"Before we return to Konoha, there's a place I have to go to." he told the group. Kiba eyed him sceptically.

"You'll just run away again. We're going to Konoha, Naruto." Kiba said. Naruto shook his head again.

"It wasn't a request." he said, his expression serious. Kiba's eyes narrowed at Naruto's dismissal of him. Kurenai eyed him.

"And if we refuse?" she asked. Naruto turned his gaze towards her.

"It's not a matter of refusal." Naruto told her, "I'm going where I need to, and if you guys want me to come back to Konoha at all, then you'll just have to follow me until I finish my business."

"Shut up!" Kiba said angrily as Kurenai glared at the blond, "Stop acting like a tough guy. We'll just take you in by force!"

Hinata eyed them nervously, not saying anything.

"You guys don't stand a chance against me." Naruto said. Neji eyed the blond in surprise. Kiba glared at the blond ferociously.

"Oh yeah? You think you can take on all four of us?" the wild man said, but Neji held out his arm.

"Stop, Kiba." the Hyuuga male said, "We'll do as he says."

"What!?" Kiba snapped out in surprise.

"Neji-kun-" Kurenai started, but Neji cut her off.

"I'm still in charge." Neji said calmly. Kurenai immediately stopped complaining, though Kiba stilled growled.

_There was not even the smallest hint of doubt in his voice when he said that he could defeat all of us._ Neji said, _For him to be so confident... it's better not to engage him._

"It's best to do this without conflict. Naruto, you'll come back to Konoha after your business?"

Naruto nodded.

"It won't take long." the blond told Neji.

"Then, let's make haste." Neji said. Kiba huffed angrily, but didn't press the matter. Kurenai didn't reveal her feelings on the matter anymore.

"Where do you need to go, Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked, finally speaking up.

"Back to the place where I was staying." Naruto replied, smiling slightly, "I'd be a pretty crummy guy if I just left and didn't even tell anyone why."

All four of them gave Naruto a pointed look.

"Oh, right." Naruto said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly, "My bad, hehe."

The group of Konoha shinobi slowly made their way to the town exit. Naruto idly mourned the fact that he hadn't had a chance to 'get any' while he was here.

"Anyway, Kurenai-sensei, you were dating Asuma-sensei, right?" Naruto asked, "I was sorry to hear about him. Every time I end up taking a life, I smoke a cigarette in order to honour him."

Kurenai gave him a weird look.

"What are you talking about, Naruto?" she asked. Naruto gave her a sad look.

"Well, he died, didn't he?" Naruto said. Everybody looked at him in shock.

"Asuma died!?" Kurenai burst out, shocked. Naruto gave her a surprised look.

"You mean, you didn't know!?" Naruto said, the shock evident in his voice.

"But, when..." Kurenai said, swaying on the spot.

"I can't believe nobody told you." Naruto said, disbelief evident in his voice.

"I can't believe this." Kurenai said, her voice wavering, "I only saw him a few days ago!"

"Wait... what?" Naruto asked.

"He was at home with our daughter when I was leaving on the mission." Kurenai told him, her eyes tearing up. Hinata was by her side in an instant, offering the woman support.

"Whoa whoa whoa, hold up! What the hell is going here? I thought Asuma died years ago!" Naruto said. Kiba gave him confused look.

"What the hell are you talking about, Naruto?" the Inuzuka asked him.

"I heard that Asuma was killed by two people from the Akatsuki years ago, not long after I left." Naruto said, "I was so sad to hear about it."

"What the hell, man!?" Kiba said, glaring at the blond, "He didn't die! Get your facts straight!"

Kurenai let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank goodness..." she said, ready to sink to the ground in weakness. Then she glared at the whiskered blond, who only grinned nervously.

"Hehe, whoops."

Neji shook his head in exasperation.

"Then... I took up smoking for no reason!" Naruto said, pounding a fist into his open palm.

"Well, how about we get going?" Hinata spoke up softly, thinking that things might calm down on the road. Naruto took the out she gave.

"Okay, but just wait a moment. I have to go make a deposit at the porcelain bank." Naruto said, smirking. Hinata gave him a confused look.

"A bank deposit? Then, would you mind if I came with?" she asked, tilting her head slightly. Naruto grinned like a shark. Neji gave Naruto a startled look, his hair rustling with the quick movement.

"Naru-"

* * *

It took a few hours of traveling, but they had finally reached the area in which Furou was located. The group had travelled radically faster than Naruto and Killer Bee had alone, because the two jinchuuriki were in no hurry and were out to enjoy their road trip, visiting from town to town. With the Konoha shinobi desperate to take the blond back to the village, they had insisted on travelling in a direct line, thereby saving time by not having to go through towns.

"It should be just outside the clearing and past the hill." Naruto said, cracking his stiff neck. Kiba stared in the direction of the village with furrowed eyebrows.

"What's wrong, Kiba-kun?" Hinata asked, seeing the peculiar look on his face. Kiba didn't look at her.

"Something smells... wrong... and familiar..." Kiba said, his eyes slightly narrowing as he tried to remember something.

"It wasn't me." Naruto said, grinning. Kiba glared at him as Hinata giggled, and the group stepped out of the forest and started their way up the hill.

"Smoke." Kurenai said, gazing at the sky. The hill blocked the view of the town, but the smoke rising in the sky was evident.

"Maybe someone's having a barbe...que..." Naruto suddenly paused, at the top of the hill. The rest of the group stopped as well, looking down at the town of Furou in surprise.

Or rather what was left of it.

"What?" Naruto whispered, unbelieving of what he was seeing. Most of the town had been reduced to rubble, some remaining flames still burning on the rooftop of a few homes, barely standing.

_It can't be!_

Naruto suddenly jumped off the hill, focusing enough chakra in order to get all the way down to the town in one leap. The Konoha team all leapt after him, shouting his name.

Naruto ran through the demolished town, taking in the charred surroundings with horror. He dashed swiftly, looking for any signs of life, but hearing none. He saw the remains of the broken down and burnt bodies of men, women, and children that he had known; people that he had conversed with on a daily basis.

Finding no signs of life, Naruto took a direct path towards Saya's bar, hoping beyond hope that she had survived. If the girl had not survived; Naruto had no idea what he would do. Behind him, Neji, Kurenai, Hinata, and Kiba (and Akamaru) swiftly followed.

Focusing his wind chakra practically without conscious thought, Naruto smashed through the roof of Saya's bar, landing inside. The bar itself was in rather good condition, though that was probably thanks to the blond jinchuuriki, since he had fortified it with seals to toughen it up.

He found the charred, unrecognizable remains of a woman inside.

"No." he whispered, "Please, no!"

He held the gruesome body to his own, not caring that he was hugging a corpse.

"Not you Saya." he whispered, his eyes tearing up, "Just say it's a joke."

"Somebody say 'psych'." Naruto said, shutting his eyes tightly, "SOMEBODY SAY 'PSYCH'!"

The body of the dead woman gave no reply. Naruto just sat there on the ground, hugging the Saya's corpse to himself, tears silently falling to the ground. His friends from Konoha watched him sadly, not knowing what to do; they hadn't known the woman, so nothing they could say would comfort the grief-stricken blond.

Then the group heard a cough from outside the bar. Naruto immediately bolted out, hoping to find someone he could save (or someone he could kill).

Coughing weakly on the ground was none other than Saya.

"Saya!" Naruto shouted in relief. The blond rushed to her side, getting on his knees beside her and cradling her head on his arm.

"N-Naruto?" Saya weakly replied, disbelief evident in her voice.

"You're alive! Thank God, thank-" Naruto shuddered.

"Ew... I just hugged a corpse."

Saya let out a feeble laugh.

"You never change..." the girl said, "I'm happy to be able to see you again."

Naruto smiled at her, wiping the tears of happiness from his eyes.

"Stop saying such stinky things." Naruto replied, before turning his head towards Neji.

"Neji, can you use your Byakugan to see if anyone else is alive." Naruto asked, his mind instantly thinking of his other friends in the village. Neji nodded, and did so.

"Within my range, I see about eight or nine more people who are alive. There are also two people underneath the ground near that destroyed manor; a woman and a child, I believe." Neji replied, pointing to what the blond knew as Shubou's home. Naruto let out a sigh of relief.

_Azusa and Fuu._ Naruto's mind filled in. That alone lifted a great degree of turmoil from his heart.

"Naruto... there's also a very familiar, dangerous chakra here." Neji said, "It's likely..."

Naruto narrowed his eyes.

"Hinata, can you please take care of Saya?" Naruto asked, lowering Saya's head to the ground gently and standing up. Hinata nodded, kneeling beside the girl.

"I'll do what I can." she replied softly, before freezing in place as killing intent filled the area, causing Saya to faint under the pressure. The group looked into the distance, finding its source. Naruto glared at the person.

"Sasuke!" Naruto spat, glaring at the dark-haired boy. Sasuke eyed the group with crimson eyes, before looking straight into Naruto's eyes. The two former members of Team 7 stared each other down, before Sasuke disappeared from view.

"He's gone." Neji said, sounding surprised, "He just disappeared, even from the range of my Byakugan."

"That bastard." Kiba growled, "To think he's fallen this far."

Naruto didn't reply, just staring at the space where the Uchiha had stood.

"Naruto, maybe we should try to help whoever is still alive." Neji spoke up.

Naruto snapped out of his stupor.

"Yeah." he said, still staring at the spot where Sasuke had been standing, "Let's go."

* * *

**End**

* * *

**A pretty bad place to end it, even though I had some more material to get through. But I decided to save that for the next chapter, else it'd be pretty short. Though let me say that I had a lot of fun writing this one; at least until the last scene, which was a pretty annoying place to end it, but I felt that I just **_**had **_**to update.**

**I'm sure everyone can predict that Saya, Azusa, and Fuu will go with Naruto to Konoha, so I have no qualms about saying it here. It's easily the most predictable thing, and I don't see why I would choose another route.  
**

**Anyway, thanks for all the amazing reviews I received for the previous chapter! I couldn't stop smiling when I read them! I hope to see more reviews again!**

**knuckz**

**Edit: May 04, 2010: I'm still alive people. I went back fixing all the chapters, adding in horizontal dividers 'cause for some reason, the dashes I used before all disappeared with nary a sound. I'm still working on the next chapter for this, for Furuenjin, as well as two other awesome Naruto stories that you won't see until probably 2011. They'll be awesome. Bye all!  
**


	7. Shockathon

What's New, Naruto?

By knuckz

* * *

Summary: Uzumaki Naruto was not kicked out of Konoha; he left of his own accord. Not enough money, and no health or dental coverage? It was a bad job, really. Swearing and mature themes.

* * *

**Totally unbeta'd, yo.**

* * *

****

07 – Shockathon

* * *

"I'm relieved to see that you are safe, Saya." Azusa said, rubbing her eyes tiredly, "To think that we'd be attacked like that."

"It was too sudden." Kongou replied, watching Fuu cry into Naruto's shirt, hugging him for all he was worth. The blond's fellow Konoha ninja watched the scene with sympathetic smiles, probably not used to seeing their former comrade so kid-friendly.

"I'm glad that all of you survived." Saya said, wiping away her tears of relief, "I don't know what I would've done if you..."

Currently, only the people closest to Naruto remained, all the other precious few survivors (Keitaro and his mother among them), deciding to make the trek to the Snow Country capital in hopes of refuge.

"Even dad died." Fuu said, her loud crying dying down to sniffles. Naruto caressed the back of her head, calming the little girl down somewhat.

"Don't worry about it Fuu." the blond Konoha-nin said to the little girl in comforting tones, "The world's a better place without your dad in it."

"Naruto-kun!" Hinata exclaimed, shocked that he would say such a thing. Azusa shook her head.

"No, he's right. The world is definitely a better place without my husband in it." Azusa said, conceding with Naruto's words of 'comfort'. Hinata looked at the woman, unsure of what to say. She was obviously thinking the worst of the now-deceased Shubou, even though he really hadn't done anything to merit such negative thoughts. Nobody bothered to tell her the truth.

"Still... so many people died." Saya said sadly.

"What about the seal, Saya?" Naruto asked, "Did you not activate it?"

'The Seal' was a special seal that Naruto had designed. Inside it was just miscellaneous items. When Saya would activate it, it would take one of the items stored within and seal it using Naruto's wind-seal technique, accessible only by the blond. Whenever something was sealed into the wind, Naruto would notice, and that immediately meant that something had gone wrong, alerting Naruto to the fact that he'd have to rush back to Furou. It was the quickest way to alert the blond, and he had specifically taught Saya, Azusa, and Kongou how to use it.

"It disappeared." Saya said, "I went outside when I heard screams, and there was an explosion inside the bar right after I got out. Thankfully, the seals you put in the bar put out the fire, so I went back in to find it, but it was gone. It must have gotten burned to ashes in the flames."

"I can make another." Naruto told her, "I'll make it better next time."

"If only... if only I carried it with me." Saya continued, shaking slightly, "Maybe we could've been saved."

"It's best not to think of it, Saya." Kongou said, scratching his beard idly, "A lot of people did perish so we were pretty lucky, but don't think about it. We're still alive so just count your blessings. But... you came too late, Naruto."

Naruto didn't try to shift the blame onto somebody else as he would usually do in a situation like this; he felt partially guilty, after all.

"Yeah... my bad." he replied softly, still hugging Fuu, "But in my defence, I was probably having steamy hot, raunchy sex at the time. Nothing you're used to, so don't worry about it."

"That's a lame-ass excuse, Naruto." Kongou replied, frowning at the blond for being so lewd while Fuu was still hugging him.

"Yeah, well, you're a lame ass-excuse." Naruto replied. Kongou furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

"What?"

"Naruto." Neji spoke up, ending the inanities before they could get going, "What will you do now? We must return to Konoha soon."

"I know... we're going to have to slow down our travel speed." Naruto replied, nodding towards the survivors of Furou, "They're coming with us."

To his credit, Neji didn't look annoyed at the possibility of delays. As expected, Kiba did.

"What the hell! We can't take all of these people to Konoha!" Kiba exclaimed, "Tsunade-sama would rip us a new one!"

Naruto shrugged.

"Alright, fine." the blond replied, "If they can't come, they can't come."

Everybody looked at the blond in surprise, disbelieving that he would be so subservient, especially to Kiba, who was practically a rival of sorts to the whiskered ninja.

Naruto then turned to Fuu.

"Fuu, I'd love to take you with me to Konoha," Naruto said in a loud, obviously fake, voice, "but dog-breath here says you can't come. So I guess this is the last time we'll see each other again."

"What! Why!" Fuu cried out, tears spring to her eyes. Kiba looked a bit hesitant about proclaiming that nobody else could come with them to Konoha when the child started crying. He opened his mouth, perhaps to retract his thoughtless comment, but Naruto cut him off.

"Sorry, Fuu. Good luck with your life, and I hope you don't die of starvation, which you probably will." Naruto said, patting her head, "Of course, that's probably after you get captured by men with large penises who'll gang-rape both you and your mom, and then sell you off as brothel workers to other men with gigantic penises."

The little girl broke out in tears, crying loudly. Azusa didn't try to comfort her daughter at all, and Saya only rolled her eyes. Neji was the only Konoha shinobi to pick up on their reactions, but he didn't say anything.

"I want to go with Naruto-niichan!" Fuu cried out, large tears spilling down her cheeks, "You meanie! Stupid dog-breath! Shit-for-brains!"

"Kiba-kun!" Hinata said reproachfully, "She's just a girl!"

"I taught you better than this, Kiba." Kurenai said, looking just as reproachful as Hinata sounded. Kiba sighed exasperatedly, but relented nonetheless.

"Fine, fine. They can come." the dog-owner said, avoiding looking at any of the once-Furou residents. Fuu stopped crying immediately. Grinning, she gave the equally grinning Naruto a high five.

"No take-backs!" Fuu exclaimed, smirking at Kiba, "Haha, you're so gullible, you punk bitch!"

Hinata, Kiba, and Kurenai all looked at the girl in shock; Neji looked as though he expected it. Naruto ruffled Fuu's hair affectionately.

"Ahh, you make me so proud, Fuu!" the blond said. Saya closed her eyes in frustration, her fist shaking in anger. Then the brunette girl punched the blond in the back of the head with all the force she could muster.

"Stop teaching her weird things!"

* * *

"So, Saya..." Azusa said, having pulled her away from the rest of the group in order to have a more private conversation, "When should I expect to see you officially together with Naruto-kun?"

Saya's cheeks reddened at Azusa's blunt question.

"Wh-what do you mean?" Saya said, stammering, "There's nothing between Naruto and I."

Azusa sighed exasperatedly, putting her hand on her forehead.

"You are very stubborn." Azusa told the brunette, "Why do you not just admit to your feelings?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. Besides, I'm pretty sure that Naruto's old teammate likes him." Saya said, gesturing towards the blushing Hinata, who was walking alongside the blond, conversing with him. Azusa shook her head in disbelief.

"Saya, I've raised you since you were a little girl, and I'm always going to root for you, but I think it's time that I give you a very important life lesson." Azusa told her, speaking in such a tone that Saya knew the woman was serious.

"I'm sure you've heard the phrase 'all is fair in love and war.'" Azusa said, and Saya nodded, "Men have a similar phrase that explains its purpose in simplified terms, and that is, 'get yours.'"

"Huh?"

"Saya, a woman must do what is right for her. If you are truly in love, then even if it hurts someone else you care for, you must do right by your heart." Azusa told the girl, "I was in a marriage with a man I did not even like, let alone love. Even while married, I fell in love with someone other than my husband, but I could not bring it upon myself to commit adultery, even though it meant going against my heart. You still have the chance, Saya. I'd advise that you take it."

Saya looked at Azusa with wide-eyes. Her eyes flickered over to where Naruto was walking alongside the pale-eyed beauty, laughing as he usually was. She bit her lip.

"I..." Saya started, her heart thumping at the thought of her and Naruto, before hesitating as a memory assaulted her.

_She stared into spinning red eyes, frozen in place._

"_I want to see you again…"_

_ They glared at her, hatred threatening to consume her. They were eyes that conveyed the desire to end her life._

_ "Please save me..."_

_ The man's arm blurred towards her face; Saya instinctively shut her eyes._

_ "Naruto…!"_

Even though her chest tightened uncomfortably, she said it.

"...don't have a future with him."

Azusa closed her eyes sadly.

_Stubborn fool._ she thought.

"Very well." Azusa said, her eyes snapping open, "Just keep what I said in mind. It is never too late."

Then the sultry woman walked towards the laughing jinchuuriki, who was elbowing Kiba in the side in good humour. Saya followed after her, deep in thought.

"...that's why you guys can't get any. See, women like men that are chivalrous and knightly. It turns them on." Naruto was saying.

"Actually, Naruto-kun," Azusa cut in, "Women engage in sexual activities for a variety of reasons, such as revenge, pity, or even to get a chore done or as a favour."

Naruto looked at her with a face that could only be described as one that was realizing an overwhelming and unexpected defeat.

"What?" he replied, his voice sounding lost, "Then... all this time... all these women... I've been... wrong?"

Azusa felt almost as if she had just kicked a puppy.

"Of course, I am only teasing you." she immediately lied to the blond, "Women are all actually very simple-minded creatures."

"Phew," Naruto said, brushing hair off of his forehead, "Don't scare me like that, Azusa-chan."

Azusa smiled at him.

"Do you know, Naruto-kun, that with the death of my husband, I am now a widow? That is to say, I am now a single woman?" Azusa asked him. Naruto waggled his eyebrows.

"Ooh, I bet you wa-"

"Naruto-kun." Azusa cut him off, before he started talking up a storm, "I now have the freedom to do as I like without feeling the guilt of committing adultery."

As Naruto furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, Saya stared at the sensual woman in rising comprehension and shock.

_She fell in love with someone other than her husband._ Saya thought, thinking back to Azusa's words, _A woman must do right by her heart. It couldn't be..._

Azusa decisively stepped into Naruto's comfort zone and softly grabbed his head, gently placing her lips against his, shocking everyone around them.

"Mmph!" was all Naruto could get out.

The gorgeous woman and the thoroughly shocked blond held that position for several moments, their lip-lock of a screamingly sensual nature, much to the awe of all around them. After what seemed like hours, but in reality was not even a minute, Azusa released the blond's lips in a slow and lingering manner.

"Wha...?" was all Naruto could get out, looking at the woman in shock. Azusa just smiled at his reactions, and indeed, the reactions of everybody surrounding them as well. She mentally noted Hinata's blush and slight despair, as well as Saya's trembling form. The brunette no doubt felt a torrent of turmoil within her heart.

"Now," Azusa said, walking ahead as if nothing had happened, "Shall we get going?"

Everybody watched her go, before turning their eyes to the shaking Naruto, who had suddenly fallen to the ground on his knees. With fists clenched, the blond looked up and dramatically shouted at the sky,

"I AM TRULY A MAN!"

* * *

"So what's your name?" the large-breasted lady asked.

"I have no name, but you can just call me... Nanashi." the yellow-haired man replied. The woman elegantly raised an eyebrow.

"Oh? And tell me a little bit about yourself... _Nanashi_." she asked, licking her lips suggestively.

"I have no past. I only live for the future." Nanashi replied, not making much sense. But it didn't really matter; the woman still couldn't help but squirm in place.

"That's so... _hot_." she gasped out, and Nanashi raised a single eyebrow.

"Bow tikki tikki wow wow."

"Man..." Naruto commented as he grabbed a handful of popcorn and shoved them into his mouth, "The quality of porn has really dropped these days."

"Naruto-niichan, are you sure that this is a good movie?" Fuu asked from beside him, regarding the television with a frown. Naruto shrugged.

"Kongou recommended it." Naruto replied, looking over his shoulder to see if anyone else had woken up, "Apparently it's received rave reviews so I wanted to see what the fuss was about."

"Eww! What's that lady doing to the other lady!" Fuu asked, making a face. Naruto's mouth was wide open, un-crunched popcorn visible at the bottom of his mouth.

"Fuu..." Naruto said, his eyes glued to the television in rapt attention, "I don't think you should be watching this..."

"Well, I don't wanna go to sleep." Fuu said, eyeing the TV with pouty lips, watching one woman scissor another, "I had a nap in the afternoon already."

Naruto swivelled his head, giving the nine-year-old a contemplative look.

_Am I breaking ethical standards by watching porn with a nine-year-old?_ Naruto thought to himself, _Do I want to be that person?_

Much like Fuu, Naruto found that he couldn't sleep. His reasons were entirely different. Fuu was a child, and though she had underwent great tragedy, kids were resilient, Fuu especially so. She would bounce back.

He, on the other hand, didn't find it so easy to just 'bounce back'. The thought that Saya, Fuu, and Azusa could have died and he wasn't there to save them...

It would haunt him for quite some time.

They had survived by fluke... he hadn't been there for them... it just _pissed him off_. He didn't want to lose them.

Not like he had lost _her_.

"Naruto-niichan, d'you want to play a game instead?" Fuu asked him, breaking him from his poignant thoughts, "This is boring; there's not even a story."

Naruto smiled at her, before nodding. Fuu's innocence was one of the things that would keep him going.

"Alright, what do you want to play?" the blond asked. Fuu reached behind her back and pulled out a deck of playing cards.

"Ta-da!" she said, "I know a really good magic trick. Wanna see?"

"Yeah?" Naruto asked, smirking, "Let's see it."

"See these cards?" Fuu asked him, holding the deck of cards near his face and bending them in her hands, "Take a closer look."

Naruto leaned in closer to the cards as the girl told him to do, only for Fuu to release the deck from her hand, showering his face with the playing cards.

"Ahahaha! You fell for it." Fuu laughed, falling back and clutching her stomach in laughter. Naruto growled at her and raised an eyebrow.

"So that's how you wanna play it, eh?" Naruto smirked, wiggling his fingers, "Well, let's see how you like this!"

Naruto went after the girl, tickling her mercilessly. Fuu erupted in laughter, the corner of her eyes tearing because of Naruto's relentless tickle attack. The nine-year-old tried to push away the blond, but it was to no avail as the blond broke past her defences and went for her sides, causing the girl to squirm and laugh aloud.

The lights suddenly came on, causing Naruto to stop in his assault, and both Naruto and Fuu noticed that they had awoken everyone else. And everyone was looking at them with high degrees of shock and horror (excluding Azusa and Saya). It was then that Naruto realized the precarious situation he was in.

Fuu, his extremely young, nine-year-old companion, was panting, tearful, and out of breath, and Naruto was practically on top of her, his hands at her sides. In the middle of the night.

With porn still playing on the television.

_Well... shit._ Naruto thought. _How do I fix this?_

There was an awkward silence in the room as Naruto's mind raced to come up with an excuse that wouldn't condemn him. Unfortunately for the blond, his mouth acted faster than his mind.

"Well... even if I _was_ a paedophile or a child molester, you have to admit that I have good taste." Naruto said, grinning weakly.

Nobody was amused.

* * *

"Mom, what's wrong with Naruto-niichan?" Fuu asked, looking at the vacant-eyed blond who sat back on the couch, looking quite like he had just experienced unspeakable horrors, courtesy of Kurenai's genjutsu.

Azusa smiled as she sipped on her tea.

"He's learning that actions have consequences."

* * *

"Well, I think that I'll be going to bed as well." Neji said, "It's getting quite late."

Only Neji, Naruto, and Hinata were still awake. All others had decided to turn in for the night and had gone back to their tents, given to each pair courtesy of Naruto. All that awaited Neji was a horrible fate of sleep in the same tent as Kiba, who had already turned in for the night. Saya, Azusa, and Fuu had already returned to their tent (Kongou had gone to the nearest town to run an errand, which Naruto knew to be a brothel visit), and Hinata awaited a night of luxurious sleep with the dazzling Kurenai.

Naruto had his own tent, which was quite easily the largest and most lavish of them all.

"Naruto, let me speak with you privately before I go." Neji said, beckoning the blond away from Hinata, who sat in front of the fire, entranced by its flames. Naruto nodded, following the long-haired jounin to the side.

"What's good in the hood?" Naruto asked.

"What?" Neji shook his head, deciding to ignore the blond's absurdity, "Listen. I don't know what kind of person you are now, and while I'm sure you're still a pretty good guy, I also know that you're a bit more... promiscuous these days."

"Yo, I'm straight promiscuous!" Naruto replied, grinning and thumping his chest, before giving Neji a serious look, "I mean that literally. I'm one hundred percent straight."

"Did I not say the words 'vaginal sex'?" Neji said to the blond, glaring at him for insinuating such a thing, "Look, I'm not talking about me. I'm asking this as Hinata's cousin. Please, _please_ don't involve Hinata-sama in your... dealings of promiscuity."

"What, you're telling me to not have sex with Hinata?" Naruto asked laughingly. Neji didn't find it so funny.

"I'm absolutely serious, Naruto." the pale-eyed man told him, "She's retained an innocence that I wish for her to keep, both as her cousin and as a member of the Hyuuga clan. Promise me, please."

"Alright, alright." Naruto said, raising his hands to perhaps mollify the Hyuuga jounin, "I won't do anything with her. You have my word."

"Thanks, Naruto." Neji said, "I'm trusting you."

And with that, the mission-leader retired to his tent for what would be one of the worst sleeps in his life.

Naruto watched him go for a moment, before shaking his head in amusement.

_Don't worry, Neji. _the blond silently promised, as he walked back over to Hinata, _I won't break your trust.

* * *

_

As soon as Naruto woke up, he noticed several things wrong.

He was naked. He wasn't alone. Hinata was beside him. Hinata was naked.

"Good morning, Naruto-kun." Hinata whispered to him, smiling shyly. Naruto fought off the heart attack that ensued.

"Morning." Naruto whispered back.

_Okay. It's okay. Calm down, Naruto._ the whiskered jinchuuriki told himself, _You can get out of this. Just don't get caught._

"Naruto," Kiba said, choosing that moment to stick his head in, "Have you seen Hina...ta..."

Kiba's eyes widened. Naruto's eyes widened as well; in fact, so did Hinata's.

"HOLY SHIT!" Kiba screamed out, alerting Neji, Kurenai, and Azusa, causing them to rush over.

"What's wrong, Kiba?" Neji said, Kurenai and Azusa behind him. And then he caught sight of Naruto and Hinata in the same bed. Naruto watched the anger slowly build up in Neji's face.

First his eyes widened slightly, and his lips curled slightly, revealing gritting teeth. Then, Neji's eyebrows furrowed, and veins of anger became visible on his forehead. And he glared. Glared hard. Really hard.

"Neji." Naruto said, immediately attempting to calm him down, "Listen, we're all good people man. And good people make mistakes."

"You..." Neji whispered, his voice raspy and deadly.

"I'm a good person, man." Naruto said, his voice cracking, almost crying as Neji's eyes seemed to bulge, "Seriously, I donate to charities and shit man."

That was a complete lie.

"You..."

"I didn't fuck that bitch!" Naruto pleaded with him, remembering the pain of Neji's sixty-four strikes technique, "Fuck you, I'll kill you man, I'll kill you! So just please believe me!"

"Naruto..."

"Hey, come on man, I know it was a mistake man. I repent, I repent!" Naruto said to the pale-eyed jounin. Neji took a step forward, and Naruto scrambled to put his boxers on. If he was going to get his ass kicked, he'd at least retain some dignity. Even the tiniest bit was good enough for him.

"I trusted you..." Neji said, "You fucking..."

"Hey listen, man. How about we go out and fuck Fate up the ass with a spiked bat? Like old times man?" Naruto said, backing away. It wasn't working at all, and Naruto got desperate.

For Naruto, desperate times often called for stupid measures.

"It wasn't even my fault, man. _She_ came onto _me_!" Naruto said frantically, and everybody froze.

"You would even blame her?" Neji said, getting even angrier.

"Dude, I'm not lying! She's not so innocent! I _definitely_ wasn't her first!" Naruto put out, and everybody, _everybody_,gasped.

"You... you dare sully her name!" Neji said, his fingers ready in the strike position.

"Hinata!" Naruto screeched, "Hinata, back me up!"

Hinata, who had stayed quiet and under the covers the entire time just blushed, and continued to stay quiet. Thankfully for Naruto, however, it was Kurenai that stepped in.

"Let's ask Hinata, Neji-kun." Kurenai said, ever the rational one. In actuality, she knew that there was no way that Hinata hadn't been a virgin, and once everybody knew that, it was open season on Naruto.

"Hinata, why don't you get out from under those covers and we can all just talk about this." Kurenai said to the Hyuuga girl, which only caused the girl to blush even deeper.

"I... I need to put my clothes on." Hinata replied.

"Oh." was all anyone could say.

* * *

Once Hinata had left the tent with her clothes on (Naruto had been made to dress up in the outdoors), everybody had gathered. Sleepily, Saya and Fuu approached the group.

"What happened?" Saya asked, rubbing her eyes.

"We're just about to find out." Kurenai told the brunette, before turning to Hinata, "Well, Hinata?"

"Yeah, Hinata!" Naruto spoke up, "Tell us who popped your cherry! When, where, what position, we want to know all the detai- OW!"

Kiba kicked him in the shin.

"Shut up."

Hinata, blushing all the while, told them.

"Na... Naruto-kun was my first."

_Shit._ was all that went through Naruto's mind. Neji, Kurenai, and Kiba turned to the blond with ominous intentions, and Saya gave him a disgusted look. Naruto only looked at Hinata in shock.

"But, you definitely weren't a virgin! I know a virgin when I fuck one, and that's why I don't fuck no virgins! There was definitely no virginity in that tent last night!" Naruto told them, but they were only more disgusted.

"Nevertheless, you were my first." Hinata replied quietly, not looking anyone in the eyes. Naruto looked at her in shock and confusion.

"So wait, I was your first, but you weren't a virgin?" Naruto asked, nonplussed at what Hinata was saying. She nodded.

"That doesn't fucking make any sense you bitch! I'm gonna get killed here!" Naruto screamed at her, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her back and forth in desperation.

"Naruto!" Kurenai snapped, "Let her go."

Naruto took a step behind Hinata and held her in front of him.

"Hey, hey, don't do anything rash! There's something wrong here!" Naruto asked, his mind not really understanding what exactly he was doing.

"You're taking her hostage!" Kiba asked, looking at the blond as if he were stupid.

"Huh?" Naruto said, before realizing exactly what he was doing, "Oh, shit."

Then the blond proceeded to hold her even closer and tighter.

"No, this isn't a hostage situation. I just won't let her go until you guys listen to my demands." Naruto said, making sure he had a firm grip of the Hyuuga girl.

"That's what a hostage situation is, you moron." Saya said, shaking her head in annoyance.

"Perhaps if everyone calms down, we can figure out exactly what's happening here." Azusa said, becoming Naruto's beacon of light.

"Yeah, just calm the fuck down!" Naruto said, his heart racing, "I wanna fucking know what the fuck is happening!"

"Hinata-san," Azusa continued, as if Naruto had not said anything, "You mentioned that Naruto was the only person you've ever slept with, but was it your first time having sex?"

Hinata shook her head.

"I... I've used a..." Hinata couldn't continue, blushing even deeper than before.

"Well, there you have it." Azusa told everyone, "She's probably used a toy previously. She's not as 'innocent' as you believe her to be, Neji-san."

Everybody (not including the ever-smiling Azusa and of course the unknowledgeable Fuu) looked at Hinata with gaping mouths, Naruto included.

"What position do you use it in?" Naruto couldn't help but ask. Kiba kicked him in the shin again.

"And, Naruto-kun didn't come onto me, I came onto Naruto-kun." Hinata also blurted out. Neji looked at her as if his puppy told him that it didn't love him anymore.

"See! I told you!" Naruto exclaimed. Kiba kicked him in the shin.

"Stop it, Naruto. I've had enough of you." Neji said, rubbing his eyes in tiredness.

"What? That's what she said!" Naruto said, before going over his words, "Hey, that's pretty funny! This has potential!"

Neji shook his head.

"Hinata-sama, what led you to this decision?" Neji couldn't help but ask. Hinata gazed at Naruto for a moment before answering.

"I- I've been in love with Naruto-kun for such a long time. I just... I wanted something with him before he gets snatched up by someone else, before he would no longer be the Naruto-kun that I knew. It was... my last chance." Hinata confessed. Inwardly, she couldn't believe how easy it had been to let those words out.

Everybody looked at the Hyuuga girl in sympathy and Naruto looked at her in surprise. Fuu just looked hungry.

"Well... you are mature enough to decide what you want, Hinata-sama." Neji said, sighing, "Just please... take care to practice discretion."

Hinata nodded, her blush still evident but not as strong as earlier. Naruto chose that moment to speak up.

"Hinata, I know that I'm not the same Naruto that you loved." Naruto told her, adopting a serious tone, "But... that doesn't mean that you can't learn to love the new me. No matter what, if you really love someone, even if you hurt others that you care for, you have to follow your heart with all that you've got. Because if you only love me half-heartedly, I would never love you back."

Saya looked at the blond in surprise, his words reminiscent of those that Azusa had told her. She had rarely seen the blond this serious; it was when he was like this that he was absolutely truthful.

"And if you really love me," Naruto said, smiling serenely at the wide-eyed and blushing Hinata, "then what is love but a fleeting BLOWJ-"

Saya was magically right beside him right in time to send him to the ground. Azusa sighed, but couldn't help but smile in amusement.

_He never learns._ she thought fondly.

* * *

"How much longer 'til Konoha?" Naruto asked whiningly. Kongou nodded.

"Yeah, let's hurry it up. I need to take a shit." the man said gruffly. Naruto grinned at the opportunity.

"That's what she said." the blond said, grinning at his joke. Saya gave the blond a disgusted look.

"Naruto, that's disgusting." the brunette said, shaking her head.

"That's what she said." Naruto replied, waggling his eyebrows. Neji rolled his eyes before answering the blond's question.

"Hopefully, it won't be much longer." the Hyuuga told the group.

"That's what she said."

"Man, shut up!" Kiba said, giving the blond an irritated look. Naruto raised an eyebrow. Kiba closed his eyes taking a deep breath, talking himself into not attacking the whiskered jinchuuriki.

"Naruto-kun, please stop. It is getting quite old." Hinata spoke up softly, referring to the joke. She obviously did not know him well enough.

"That's what she said."

"I'm so bored!" Fuu shouted, cutting in, "How much longer is this going to take!"

"That's what she said."

Saya rounded on the blond.

"Shut the hell up, Naruto! You're not even doing it properly!" she told the blond angrily, unknowingly saying the wrong thing. Naruto shook his head in amusement. Sometimes, it was too easy.

"That's what she said."

"Perhaps if we ignore him, he'll stop." Azusa spoke up, smiling humorously. She knew _exactly_ what she was saying.

"That's what they all say." Naruto said, grinning at the raven-haired woman. She raised an eyebrow eloquently, amused at Naruto's insipid jokes.

"You know, you're quite bad at this." Azusa said to the blond, giving him a soft smile. He grinned back at her.

"That's what she said."

"I'm sure you could do better." Azusa continued, unfazed by Naruto's persistence.

"That's what she said."

"You should try tasting penis. It would suit you."

"That's what sh-" Naruto started, cutting off abruptly. Azusa raised her eyebrows as if waiting for him to continue. All the others (excluding Fuu, who didn't really understand the joke in the first place) grinned at him.

"Yes?" she asked, "You were saying?"

Naruto pouted.

"Aww, you're no fun."

* * *

"Well... we're here." Kiba said, waltzing past the front gates quite openly, "Yo, how's it going, you two?"

The two gate-keepers that Kiba had addressed waved their greetings.

"How you doing, Kiba?" Kotetsu asked, "How was the mission?"

"Never finished it." Kiba replied, pointing behind him. Both Izumo and Kotetsu's gaze searched where Kiba was pointing, immediately zoning onto the shock of blond hair.

"Na-Naruto!" Izumo blurted out, looking at the blond as if not believing his eyes. The blond didn't spare the two a glance, walking right by them. The two watched him walk by.

"Naruto!" Kotetsu called, rising up from his seat. Naruto, upon hearing his name, turned to face the man.

"Huh? Oh it's you two. Still on gate duty?" Naruto asked them casually.

"You... you..." Izumo didn't know what to say, so he settled on answering the blond's question, "Yeah, gate-keeping as always."

"I didn't even notice you guys. Might as well have left the gates unguarded." the blond told them, smiling, "Anyway, gotta go. See ya."

And just like that, the blond kept on walking. The two watched him walk, flabbergasted at seeing him so casually. It was a while before either spoke.

"Man," said Kotetsu, "He's a jerk."

* * *

"Hey, hey, you can't go in there! The council is in meeting!" the secretary said to the advancing blond, who ignored her and kept on going. The rest of the group did not even try to stop him, content on watching what would happen. This was the first time a missing-nin would so openly barge in and disturb a council meeting in session.

Naruto slammed the doors open.

"Yo, muthafucka!" he said loudly as he barged into the room, attracting everyone's attention. Everybody looked at him in shock.

It seemed as if the entire council was there, ranging from the Inuzuka's to the Yamanaka's to even the Hyuuga's. Even Tsunade herself was dwelling at the Hokage's designated table, looking quite bored, until Naruto had waltzed in. Now she looked at him as if she had just seen a ghost.

"Na-Naruto!" she couldn't help but blurt out, much like Izumi had done earlier.

"I'm back!" Naruto informed the room, "And I'm here to destroy your puny little village!"

Everybody's facial expressions turned apoplectic. Then Naruto burst out laughing.

"Just joking bitches, don't shit yourselves." the blond appeased them, "Uzumaki Naruto back on duty."

"What are you talking about, Uzumaki Naruto?" spoke up who Naruto could only think of as Kiba's mom, "Since when do we take back missing-nins?"

Naruto raised an eyebrow.

"Are you guys really that stupid?" Naruto asked, addressing the council in its entirety, "You really think that Tsunade would give me, the container of the nine-tailed demon fox, only a C-rank bingo book rating for deserting the village and not even send hunter-nin after me?"

"Or do you maybe think that perhaps she actually has a brain instead of just the pair of giant twin blorbs and sent me on a long-term mission that required me to have missing-nin status?" Naruto continued, making squeezing motions with his hands when describing Tsunade's breasts. Her mouth opened in surprise when she noticed the naive Naruto that she used to know talk about such things so casually.

"Wow, some of you guys actually thought that..." Naruto commented, shaking his head at the mild blushes on some faces, "You probably gave her hell for it as well. Don't you guys feel stupid?"

"What was your mission, Uzumaki Naruto?" a bespectacled man asked. Unbeknownst to Naruto, that man was Shino's father, but that point would remain completely irrelevant.

"It was to make contact and establish a good rapport with the jinchuuriki of the eight-tailed demon whatever it is. And I was doing just that until these knuckleheads behind me decided to bring me home." Naruto concluded. Neji, Kiba, Kurenai, and Hinata all blushed at apparently having unknowingly sabotaged Naruto's supposed mission.

"Can I go now?" Naruto asked, eyeing Tsunade, "I just want to make my report and go back home."

Tsunade took the out that was offered to her.

"Very well." she said, "For now, this meeting of the council is adjourned until further notice."

Inwardly, Tsunade made a mental note to never give any further notice to anyone.

"Naruto, let's go to my office." Tsunade said to the blond, eyeing him up and down, getting a good look at how he'd grown. It had been years since she had seen him; he had matured well.

_At least in body, that is._ she thought.

"Okay, let's go, mamma jamma-sama." Naruto said, letting the frowning woman lead the way.

As he reached the doorway, he paused and turned to Hyuuga Hiashi, Hinata's father. Of course, he had to make a perfect exit.

"Oh, by the way, Hiashi."

"Yes?" Hiashi asked the blond. This was the first time that the two had ever spoken to each other.

"I totally banged Hinata on the way here." Naruto informed him. Hinata instantly reddened and Hiashi was left speechless.

"But in my defence," Naruto continued, grinning, "She was asking for it."

It was the truth; Hinata had come on to him, not the other way around.

Naruto left the chamber behind, a reddening Hiashi left gaping at his retreating back.

_Yep,_ he thought, _a perfect exit.

* * *

_

"So, what exactly do you have to report to me?" Tsunade asked from behind her desk. Naruto was standing right in front of the blond, everybody else standing a safe distance back. Azusa had a firm grip on Fuu lest she try to get in between the two blonds, and Hinata was still blushing from Naruto's comments to her father.

"Because despite what you said in there, I have absolutely no recollection of giving you a mission at all." Tsunade said, surprising Neji, Kiba, Kurenai, and Hinata once again. They had obviously believed the bullshit that Naruto had been shovelling for the council.

"I gave you a C-rank bingo book rating out of my goodwill, because of the connection that we had. I had no clue as to why you would turn traitor, but I believed in you. I was sure you had a good reason." Tsunade informed the blond, "I want to hear that reason."

"Hey, at least I got them off your back." Naruto said, frowning at her, "You could show a little gratitude, you old hag."

"Old hag?" Tsunade replied, her voice rising, "Who the hell are you talking to, you little brat?"

"Brat?" Naruto replied, his voice also rising, "You bitch! I'm only trying to save your decaying old ass!"

"BITCH? MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE YOU EXECUTED!" Tsunade screamed back at him.

"ALL YOU SHOULD EXECUTE IS YOUR MOUTH ON MY DICK!" Naruto yelled back at her. Tsunade's eyes widened in surprise.

"WHY YOU PERVERTED LITTLE SHIT! I SHOULD KICK YOUR ASS!" Tsunade roared back, her clenched fists shaking in anger.

"ARE YOU AS TURNED ON AS I AM RIGHT NOW?" Naruto yelled back, his eyes blaring.

"VERY MUCH... so..." Tsunade started to yell, before realizing exactly who was in their audience, "I mean..."

Naruto roared in laughter at Tsunade's slip up. Tsunade palmed her face, before looking at the silently watching audience, a group that consisted of the four Konoha shinobi as well as Saya, Azusa, Fuu, and Kongou.

"You guys can go ahead and leave. Since Neji allowed you into Konoha, I'm sure you can be trusted not to spy or destroy our village." Tsunade said to them, "I'll give you citizenships after I'm finished with this one over here."

"I'll see you later." Naruto nodded to them. Slowly, and strangely quietly, the four of them followed the four shinobi out, but not before Fuu waved goodbye to the whiskered blond. Naruto couldn't help but smile at them.

_The reality is sinking in._ Naruto thought, thinking about their situations, _This is the place they're going to be living for possibly the rest of their lives. Of course they're quiet._

"Ahh, that was fun." he told the Fifth Hokage after everyone had left, "You're pretty perverted, Tsunade."

"And you're not as naive and shy about sex as you used to be, you little twerp." Tsunade replied in good humour, her anger dissipated almost as if it was never there.

"Well... I can assure you that I'm still loyal to Konoha." Naruto told her, "And to make up for leaving, I even have a decoration piece that you can use for a while. But I'm going to want it back."

"A temporary decoration piece?" Tsunade asked him. Naruto only smirked at her, and, from thin air, pulled out with his hand...

"What the fuck? You bastard, finally! Wait 'til I get my body back you fucking piece of-"

"Tsunade-baachan," Naruto said, cutting off the angry tirade, "Meet Hidan, former member of Akatsuki."

Tsunade gaped.

"Don't be rude." Naruto told the living head in his hand, giving it a shake, "Say hello, Hidan."

* * *

Naruto quickly caught up with the rest of the group that he had arrived with. They were heading towards one of the many parks in Konoha. Fuu and Saya were looking around in wonder and amazement; Furou was a relatively small place, and Konoha was much bigger and more active than their dreary old vagrant town had been. Azusa, being from a richer family, had seen such sights before, though she hadn't specifically been to Konoha before.

"What's going on?" Naruto asked, "I say we go to Ichiraku. I'm pretty horny for some ramen right about now."

"Word got around that you're back." Kiba told him, "We're going to meet up with everybody."

"Oh. Okay." Naruto said, watching Fuu have trouble looking over the crowd in the street, "Well, have fun then. I'll see you guys later."

Kiba grabbed hold of the blond, preventing him from running away.

"You're coming with, idiot. Don't put it off any longer." Kiba told him, glaring, "People have seriously missed you. Don't be an asshole to them."

Naruto sighed exasperatedly. He grabbed Fuu suddenly, and raised her up on his shoulders, her legs hanging around his chest. The girl laughed delightedly, but could now see above everyone's heads.

"Maybe we shouldn't come." Saya said, looking slightly nervous, "We wouldn't want to intrude."

"Of course you guys are coming." Naruto told her firmly, "You have nowhere to go first of all, and Konoha is much bigger than Furou. You'd get lost immediately."

Saya looked at the blond for a moment, before ducking her head and nodding. Naruto frowned.

_This is new experience for her, but she doesn't seem as lively as she usually is._ Naruto couldn't help but think. _She's acting weird._

Azusa smiled upon witnessing Naruto's frown.

_It's good to know that he's noticed her change in behaviour._ Azusa thought.

"Besides," Naruto added, twitching as Fuu pulled on his hair, "You guys are my safety."

"Your safety?" Azusa questioned, not understanding.

"They won't rush me with you guys there." Naruto replied cheekily, "Otherwise I'd be getting a beat-down."

Waiting for him was practically all his closest friends that he had left behind. Sakura, Ino, Chouji, Shino, Lee, and Tenten were all jounin at this point, though Iruka remained a chuunin instructor in the Academy. To the side, Kakashi, Asuma, and Gai stood together, Kurenai going over to join them. Standing with Asuma was his and Kurenai's daughter. Shikamaru and, surprisingly, Temari, also stood to one side, the latter eyeing the blond with calculating eyes.

Everybody eyed the blond silently, as he walked towards the group with a gentle smile. Nobody said anything until Naruto decided to break the silence.

"Sup?" he offered.

"Yo." Kakashi offered back, waving at the blond.

"How've you been?" Naruto asked, making small talk.

"Pretty good." Kakashi said, "And you?"

"Not bad." Naruto replied.

"Okay." Kakashi said.

"Cool." Naruto nodded, "Cool."

Sakura couldn't take it anymore and suddenly started to walk over to the blond.

"Excuse me, little girl," Sakura said sweetly as she reached the blond, "do you mind getting off of Naruto's shoulders for a moment?"

Fuu nodded shyly, before doing as Sakura had asked her. Sakura smiled at her before eyeing Naruto, who eyed her back unsmilingly. Sakura's eyebrows furrowed.

"Why'd you leave?" she whispered, nobody daring to interrupt her. Naruto shrugged.

"I was going to be betrayed. I only had the one option." Naruto answered, sticking to the same story that he had told Temari.

"You could have told us. We would have helped." Sakura said, not caring that Naruto's answer had been so vague. Naruto shook his head.

"No, you couldn't have. Better one missing-nin than a dozen." Naruto replied. Sakura sighed, shaking her head.

"Okay. I forgive you." Sakura said, and just like that, Naruto was seemingly forgiven by his usually violent teammate.

"Really?" Naruto questioned, not believing his ears. Sakura suddenly punched him hard in the stomach, bringing the blond to his knees.

"Okay, _now_ I forgive you." Sakura answered smilingly, and just like that, Naruto was forgiven by violent teammate. Kiba broke out in laughter, and just like that, the tension between Naruto and the rest of the group was lifted, and everyone rushed over to greet him.

"You idiot! Welcome back!"

"You always were annoying, Ino."

"Ohhh! Naruto-kun, I am glad to see your flames of youth once more!"

"Seeing you makes me regret being alive, Lee."

"Let's eat together sometime, Naruto."

"As long as you pick up the bill, fatass."

"I see Neji brought you back, Naruto-kun."

"Who are you?"

At the end of it, everybody was frowning at the blond's rude greetings. Naruto grinned widely at them, amused at having ruined their moods.

"This is Saya, Azusa, and Fuu." Naruto said, introducing them to the group, all of them bowing to the group of Konoha shinobi, "They're part of my harem."

Saya whacked him over the head.

"Don't be perverted!" she said furiously to the blond, before looking at the group apologetically, "We're not."

"Don't take anything he says seriously." Neji said, his eyes closed as he leaned against a tree with his arms crossed. Naruto raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah?" he replied, "What if I say that I smashed Hinata?"

Hinata blushed, and Neji pointedly ignored the blond.

"That is quite an un-youthful fib, Naruto-kun." Gai spoke up.

"Yeah, well, your clothes are a form of child molestation, Gai." Naruto replied, causing Gai to frown. Asuma chuckled.

"You've gotten pretty cunning, Naruto." Asuma told the blond, hoping to stay off the blond's smart mouth by complimenting him. It was no good.

"And you're pretty cunnilingus, but maybe that's why your breath is so stank." Naruto replied cuttingly, "Which goes to say a lot about Kurenai's hygiene 'down there', if you know what I mean."

Kurenai and Asuma both glared at the chuckling blond, especially in front of their daughter.

"Aww, I really missed you guys." Naruto told the group collectively, smiling brightly at them. They all glared back. It was that moment that Temari decided to stride forward.

"I have something to say." Temari said, giving Naruto a brief, but odd look. Once everybody was looking at her, she took a deep breath.

"I'm... pregnant."

Everybody gaped at her. Saya and Azusa looked at Naruto in horror, immediately understanding what Temari was trying to say. Temari stared at the blond, who stared at her in amazement. Then he let out a laugh.

"Ahaha, holy crap!" the blond laughed, turning to Shikamaru, "I can't believe you actually did it, Shika! Way to go man!"

It caused a chain reaction.

"Congrats, Shikamaru!"

"I can't believe you're going to be a father!"

"First of the group to become chuunin, and first to become a father. I guess I now have another thing to teach you."

"Hahaha, I _knew _it!"

"So troublesome." Shikamaru spoke up, cutting everyone off, "Look, I've been telling you guys for over four years now. Me and this person have _never_ been involved. Our relationship is strictly professional."

"He isn't the father." Temari said, annoyed that everyone would think so, "As if I would like such a lazy person."

"Then..." Sakura started, but didn't continue for fear of intruding upon private matters. But Temari seemed determined to make these matters public.

"I've only ever been with one person." Temari said, looking at the pink-haired girl. Realization struck Naruto hard, his face one of dawning dismay. Temari turned towards him, noticing that he finally got what she had been trying to say all along. But she told him anyway.

"Do you finally get it, Naruto?" Temari said, "_You're_ the father."

Everybody looked to the blond in surprise, shock, and awe. Naruto, unable to process the news, reacted in the best manner he could.

His eyes rolled to the back of his head and everything went dark.

* * *

**End

* * *

**

**It's been a while. I've been incredibly busy the entire month of May. Even during my days off from work (two per week), I've had other things to deal with, so I basically have had practically no time to write. It was only recently that I've been really going at it.**

**Anyway, here's the chapter. Better late than never, I guess. And some more good news: I have broken the ENORMOUS writer's block that I've had regarding Furuenjin, so I'll finally start writing for that again. The chapter is already about half done.**

**Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I hope you review! Let's see if I can get to 300 reviews! And of course, thanks for all the reviews! I always go back and read them for inspiration!**

**Peace out,**

**knuckz**

**PS: Yeah, I purposely used 'that's what she said' like that. Awful sex is also the funniest.**


	8. Real Recognize Real

What's New, Naruto?

By knuckz

* * *

Summary: Uzumaki Naruto was not kicked out of Konoha; he left of his own accord. Not enough money, and no health or dental coverage? It was a bad job, really. Swearing and mature themes.

* * *

**08 – Real Recognize Real**

* * *

He called it even before he opened his eyes.

"I didn't faint, I passed out."

Naruto slowly opened his eyes, catching site of everybody kneeling over him, staring down at his whiskered face with curiosity. Nobody looked concerned in the slightest.

"Seriously, guys?" Naruto said, sitting up, "You don't even care that I passed out. I might have passed _away_."

Nobody said anything, continuing to stare at the blond.

"What the hell are you looking at?" the blond asked, looking annoyed, "What's wrong?"

"Naruto," Ino spoke up cautiously, "Do you remember what happened before you fainted?"

"No, because I didn't faint, I passed out you bitch." Naruto replied, glaring at her, "It's like that time when you drank too much and the next thing you knew, your ass was sore and you were in need of vaginal tightening."

Ino glared back at him, appalled at his comments.

"You know what I'm talking about. I'm sure it's a common thing for- HOLY SHIT!" Naruto suddenly turned to Temari, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

Temari nodded briskly.

"I'm not joking. I found out only a few days ago." Temari told him, "You could even have Sakura check if you think I'm pulling your leg."

Naruto stared at her in disbelief, silent for only a few moments. Then he reacted.

"What the hell did you do?" he screamed at Temari. She looked back at him in shock. Then in outrage.

"What did _I_ do?" Temari repeated, not believing her ears, "What did _you_ do, you bastard! You're the one who knocked me up!"

"It can't be possible!" Naruto replied, just as fiercely, "I have a safeguard against that!"

"A safeguard?" Kongou spoke up, "What safeguard?"

In all honesty, Naruto, and pretty much everybody there had totally forgotten that Kongou was also there. Naruto shrugged at Kongou's question.

"I spike all of Saya's alcohol with a special blend of herbs that acts like birth-control." Naruto replied nonchalantly, "I call it the 'Crotch-Kicker'."

It was Saya's turn to look at the blond with infuriation.

"You WHAT?" Saya shouted at the blond, "How dare you tamper with..."

Then Saya's eyes widened even more.

"Wait, _no wonder_ Suzuka-san hadn't been able to get pregnant that whole time!" Saya said with rising comprehension, "It's all your fault!"

"Stop blaming me!" Naruto whined, "It's not my fault that Suzuka had to get drunk to sleep with her fugly husband! She shouldn't have married a guy that looked like a baboon smashed his face in with a club made from flaming bird-shit."

"Or like his face was sat on by a moose that was fucked in the ass by an elephant." Kongou added, giving his own two cents. Naruto looked at him for a moment before shaking his head.

"I miss Bee. At least he didn't epic fail like you." Naruto told the bearded man, "But back on topic. How did this happen? The Crotch-Kicker never fails!"

"How would I know?" Temari said, glaring at the blond, "I can barely believe this is happening. Maybe your Crotch-Kicker thing isn't as fail-proof as you thought."

Everybody fell silent when Naruto didn't reply.

It was then that Saya suddenly realized what had really happened. She had given Temari watered-down alcohol to prevent the girl from being seduced into Naruto's bed by him, thus lessening the effects of Naruto's Crotch-Kicker herbs. It had not only spectacularly failed to prevent Temari being seduced by the blond, but now the Suna kunoichi was also going to bare Naruto's child.

_It's... my fault._ Saya thought, her heart thumping heavily inside her chest, leaving her feeling uncomfortable, _I... if I hadn't... I... I need to tell them._

But just as soon as Saya was about to explain, she paused, wondering if she really wanted to tell everyone that information. She surely owed Naruto and Temari an explanation, but she definitely didn't want to give it in front of all these people.

"So..." Kiba spoke up, breaking the silence, "What are you going to do?"

"You know," Temari said, giving Naruto a disappointed look, "I had faith in you, Naruto. I thought for sure that you would take responsibility like I'm prepared to. This is your child as well."

Naruto didn't say anything, only staring back at the woman for a moment, not showing any more thoughts or reactions. It was Azusa that replied to Temari.

"Don't worry, Temari-san." the raven-haired woman said to the blonde in comforting tones, "It's just taking time for it to really register in his mind. Naruto will surely take responsibility."

Temari looked at Azusa for a moment, taking in what the woman said, before looking at the still-silent Naruto. She stared back at the blond, holding his gaze for a moment.

"I hope what she said is true, Naruto." Temari said to the whiskered blond, "I hope that I can count on you."

Naruto didn't reply at all, but Temari saw him give her the most miniscule of nods. She realized that he was telling her that he was going to take responsibility, without anyone else noticing. She continued to stare at him, this time with slight surprise.

"He'll take responsibility," Sakura spoke up, punching her open hand, "even if we have to force him to."

It was Sakura's comment that caused Naruto to jump out of his reverie.

"Well..." Naruto said, speaking up finally, "I guess I have no choice in the matter."

He looked at Temari, raising an eyebrow slightly. It was a small action, but Temari noticed it nonetheless.

_He's trying to tell me something._ Temari realized.

"Good." Temari said, taking her cue, "I'm counting on you."

_Maybe he isn't so reluctant after all._ Temari couldn't help but think. Then somebody ruined it.

"Wait, what about Gaara?" someone spoke up. Temari swore aloud at Kiba's idiocy; after all, only Kiba was stupid enough to bring Gaara up when they were so close to winning Naruto over. Everybody reacted to Kiba's offhand comment, but it was Naruto that reacted first.

He ran for it. _He ran for it._

"Naruto!" Temari called after him, chasing after the blond, "I can handle Gaara! Don't worry!"

But it was to no avail. Nobody ever saw the blond jinchuuriki ever again...

...for about an hour.

"So does this mean that Naruto-niichan is going to be a deadbeat daddy?" Fuu asked curiously.

Azusa smiled and bent over to whisper something to the girl, but everyone had the sneaking suspicion that the girl was right.

Considering his personality that they had just witnessed, they really couldn't imagine the blond as anything but.

* * *

Naruto looked behind him, making sure that nobody had caught up to him. He had gotten away safely.

_Good._ he thought, sighing in relief, _That was going to be a danger zone._

The blond continued walking forward in the forest he had escaped to. Truthfully, he wasn't really scared of Gaara like he had let on. He had really just wanted some time alone to collect his thoughts.

_What kind of mess is this?_ Naruto thought, as he walked forward blindly, not really paying attention to where he was going, _What the hell am I going to do?_

Naruto couldn't help but think what Kirabi would say.

_"Yo, blondasaurus rex, enough with the sex, it got you in this mess. Shizzle." Or something like that._ Naruto thought, and he couldn't but smile fondly. They really had a lot of fun.

Naruto's foot suddenly caught a giant root protruding from the ground and he tripped into a tree, slamming into the trunk headfirst.

"Ow!" Naruto yelped in pain, falling to the floor on his knees and clutching his head in pain, "Shit!"

He rubbed his forehead, trying to massage the blaring pain away.

"Shit! That fucking hurts."

Then, as if on autopilot, his hands moved from clutching his head to covering his face.

"Shit..." Naruto whispered, his voice breaking, "What should I do?"

There wasn't an answer.

* * *

"Yo!" Naruto said cheerfully, catching up to the collective group, "Sorry about that. I had to take care of a mud avalanche."

"A mud avalanche in Konoha?" Tenten spoke up in a questioning tone. Neji stepped forward swiftly.

"Don't!" he warned the grinning blond. Naruto couldn't help but pout.

"Fine..." Naruto replied, "So what are you up to? Hit up some hootchies or what?"

"We were discussing our living arrangements, Naruto-kun." Azusa spoke up, "We'll need somewhere to stay before we can find a way to generate an income."

"Miss Hinata generously offered to lend us money for a hotel for the night." Azusa continued, "And tomorrow, Saya and I shall look for jobs."

"Whaaaaa?" Naruto exclaimed, dragging it out in an exaggerated tone, "No way. You guys are staying with me. I have more than enough money to support all four of us."

"Five." Temari spoke up, "And six eventually. You're going to be supporting me, remember?"

"Right." Naruto said, smiling brightly at her. It was visibly strained.

"And if we need money, I can always steal some more." Naruto continued. Neji raised an eyebrow.

"Steal money?"

"Oh, sorry. I meant, I can always pilfer some cash."

"That's the same thing." Chouji said, giving the blond a confused look.

"Oh. Sorry, I was trying to say that I can filch some funds." Naruto replied once again, "That way we'll never have to worry about living in poverty."

"You keep saying the same thing, Naruto." Ino said, "All of those mean the same things."

"Am I?" Naruto said, sounding genuinely confused, "Look. I'm just saying that I can thieve some riches."

"Uhh..."

"Embezzle the weak and poor?"

"That still means you're going to steal." Shikamaru spoke up, "And from people that can't defend themselves."

"Purloin peoples' prosperity?"

"Nope."

"Pooch the douche?"

"Now you're talking about sex."

"Look. We don't have to worry about money." Naruto said, feeling slightly annoyed, "That's all I'm trying to say. I'm filthy rich, and if we need more bling bling, I can always get filthier and richer."

"Bling bling?" Temari questioned, raising an eyebrow. Naruto shrugged.

"What's wrong with a little shine? Since we're gonna have a child, I want an ice ice baby."

"You're an idiot, Naruto." Neji spoke up.

"Don't knock it 'til you try it." Naruto said, walking up next to Hinata. He lightly elbowed her in the side.

"That's also what I say to girls when I'm trying to convince them to do anal." he told the shy Hyuuga girl. Hinata blushed a red that Naruto didn't know existed and he couldn't help but grin.

"Anyway, let's go to my apartment then." Naruto said, "I doubt it's hospitable, and I'm pretty sure that we're gonna have to kick out the people that're using it as a whorehouse, but home is home."

"Umm..." Sakura spoke up reluctantly, but didn't really say anything to the blond. Naruto looked at her.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I think she's trying to say that your apartment building is no longer there." Kakashi cut in, "I believe the land was bought by a company named 'Murder Inc.'"

"Murder Inc?" Naruto asked, apparently unfazed that he no longer had a home in Konoha.

"Yep." Kakashi told the blond, "They make ninja weaponry, but people mainly go there for the muffins."

"The muffins?" Saya questioned, unsure of what the man meant.

"They'll have your taste buds scream murder." Kakashi told her, grinning through his mask.

"Maybe you should focus on your housing situation, Naruto." Kurenai cut in, deciding to be the voice of reason. Naruto nodded.

"Yep, gotta focus on what's important, right?" he said, "Let's go talk to this 'Murder Inc' about my home."

Saya regarded the blond for a moment.

"You just want some muffins, don't you?" she questioned. At Naruto's sheepish look, she knew she was right.

* * *

The people at Murder Inc had no idea who Naruto was nor what he wanted, and he was forced to leave the premises without a home. Yet, he still left satisfied and full of muffins.

"Well, I can always stay with you, right, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked, smiling brightly at his sensei. Kakashi didn't even look up from his book.

"Sorry, Kakashi-sensei isn't in right now. Please leave." the jounin replied.

"Leave a message?" Naruto asked hopefully.

"No."

"Well, how about you, Kurenai-sensei? We can stay with you, right?" Naruto asked, turning to the dark-haired beauty and waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Kurenai shook her head.

"I already have a full household." Kurenai told the blond, nodding towards Asuma and their daughter. Naruto sighed sadly.

"I guess it'll be a hotel for the night." Naruto said, addressing Azusa, Saya, and Fuu.

It was then that Naruto noticed the little girl hiding behind Kurenai's legs.

"Whoa!" Naruto exclaimed in surprise, going over and crouching near the little girl, "Hey there!"

The girl only hugged her mom's leg even tighter. Kurenai nudged her lightly.

"Say hi, Miriam-chan." Kurenai told her daughter. Miriam only buried her face into her mother's leg.

"Sorry Naruto." Kurenai said apologetically, "She's just being fussy today."

"No problem." Naruto said, smiling at the little girl, "Hey, what's your name?"

Miriam didn't respond.

"Does it start with an 'm'?" Naruto asked the girl. Hesitantly, the girl nodded, making it obvious that he was making progress. Temari watched the sight in front of her as if seeing something extraordinary. She had no idea that the blond was so kind with children, having seen his horrid temper.

"Does it end with an 'm'?" Naruto asked, and Miriam nodded again, a little less reluctantly. Naruto took that as a cue to continue.

"Is your name 'Mmmmm'?" Naruto finished. This elicited a smile and giggle from the girl. Kurenai, Saya, Temari, and really, all the girls there couldn't help but crack a smile at Naruto's interaction with the young child. It was refreshing to see the blond like that, to say the least.

Having done his job, Naruto stood up straight once more. He looked at Kurenai, smiling at her.

"You have a very cute crotch dropping, Kurenai-sensei." Naruto told the red-eyed beauty. Her smile faded into a glare. _Everybody's_ smiles faded into glares. Naruto blinked at the sudden hostility.

"What'd I say?"

* * *

"Give it to me straight. How much is this going to set me back?" Naruto asked the realtor. The realtor looked at him oddly. The blond had walked into a house while the man was showing it to a younger couple, told them to get the fuck out, and declared that he wanted to buy the house. When the couple complained, he told them that he was a ninja and had the Hokage's authority, and if they wanted to raise any shit about it, they could take it up with Tsunade.

That was exactly what they did.

Tsunade chewed the blond out for using her name like that, and allowed the couple to get the house like they planned. Naruto had been forced to apologize, and he reluctantly told them he was sorry and that they should kindly fuck off if they didn't accept his apology. Then he came to the realtor and said that he wanted to buy the house next to theirs, much to their chagrin.

It was a generously-spaced double-floored four-bedroom house, complete with a fenced off backyard, tree and all.

Temari, Azusa, and Saya immediately walked around the home, inspecting each room closely. They had apparently found it to their liking, and told Naruto that they wanted to live here. Now he had to pay for it. Naruto hadn't been concerned, because he was filthy rich.

"The selling price is thirty five million yen." the realtor replied. Naruto looked at him for a moment. Then he 'passed out'.

* * *

"Hey, hey. You alright, Naruto?" Saya asked, slapping him awake. Naruto shuddered.

"I had a horrible dream. It was about a realtor and a house, and he was going to sell it to me for..." Naruto started, and then he noticed he was still in the house and the realtor was still there.

Then he 'passed out'...

...or tried to.

"Hey, stop doing that you idiot." Saya said, nudging him in the ribs with her foot. Naruto winced.

"I'm not that rich, Saya." Naruto complained, "You can't ask me to spend such obscene amounts of money without me relapsing like a crack-head... a crack-head suffering from withdrawal, even."

"What?"

"When I spend my money, I feel like a crack-head that's going through withdrawal." Naruto told her in a matter-of-fact tone of voice. The blond then turned to the realtor with a sly smile.

"How's about we knock of that five million yen?" Naruto asked him. The realtor eyed him as if he were stupid.

"Are you asking me to give you a… _discount_?" he asked, making Naruto's question sound even stupider. Naruto eyed the man with a confused expression.

"Umm... wasn't I?" he asked, scratching the back of his head in confusion, "I just asked you if you could knock off that five million."

"No, Mr. Uzumaki." the realtor replied, "There is no discount to be given."

Naruto pulled out a card.

"Are you sure?" Naruto said, waving his bank card in front of the man. "Here's a thirty million yen sale waiting to happen."

"I'd rather it be a thirty-five million yen sale." the realtor replied, speaking firmly. He was clearly unwilling to back down, but Naruto knew how to deal with that.

"Alright fine." Naruto replied, grumpily, "Let's discuss payment methods."

The realtor almost smirked at the blond. Of course, it wasn't anything close to a smirk, and his attitude was nothing but professional, but Naruto wanted to think that the realtor was smirking smugly at him if only to justify his coming actions.

"Well, you have a bank account, obviously, so I'm sure that you'd like to do a direct bank transfer?" the realtor said.

"Nope!" Naruto replied cheerfully.

"No?" the realtor replied, raising an eyebrow.

"No." Naruto repeated, smirking at him, "I'm going to pay... in _cash_."

The blond's voice was decidedly ominous.

The man blinked.

"That's not a problem." he replied slowly, "But a money transfer from your bank would be a much easier and simpler solution."

"Well, unluckily for you, Mr. Realtor-asshole-san, I'm not easy." Naruto replied, smiling at the man. Saya snorted.

"Could've surprised me." she muttered, but Naruto ignored her.

"So… can I pay right now?" Naruto asked, causing the realtor to blink.

"I… I guess so." he replied, unsure of why the blond was so forward with payment. He watched as Naruto reached out in front him and pulled something out of thin air. The blond held a bill in his hand.

"Let's start the payment. Here you go." Naruto said with evil in his voice, handing him the single paper bill. The man eyed the bill, immediately noticing that it was a bill for a single yen. Disbelievingly, he looked back at Naruto in horror.

"One yen." Naruto said, smirking nastily. Then he pulled out another one.

"Two yen." Naruto continued, handing the realtor the bill. The realtor took the bill, looking at Naruto with wide, unblinking eyes, a haunted look in his hollow eyes.

"Three yen."

"What do you want from me?" the realtor whispered, hurt in his voice, pain that stretched down deep into the soul. Naruto's smirk immediately faded, and he was instantly in the realtor's face.

"You know what I want." Naruto replied, staring back at him. The realtor's eyes narrowed.

"Damn you." he hissed, "Damn you."

Naruto continued to stare at him unflinchingly, and a single eyebrow rose. He was waiting for his prize.

_And he would get it._

* * *

"I can't believe that he actually took off the five million yen." Saya said, shaking her head disbelievingly, "Your plan actually worked."

Naruto sniffed disdainfully at her.

"Of course it worked." the blond replied, "It was sheer-"

"Idiocy."

"-genius, fuck dammit, Kongou!" Naruto said, turning and glaring at the bearded man, "Why the hell do you always do that?"

"I came to deliver a message." Kongou told the blond, hands up in a placating manner. Naruto sighed.

"What is it?"

"Where the hell am I supposed to stay?" Kongou asked, frowning. Naruto shrugged.

"Beats me." he replied, "Now what was the message?"

"That was the message. It was from me." Kongou told him, "You're just going to ditch me? I won't have a place to stay. I'll be sleeping on the streets."

"Not my problem." Naruto said, not caring about Kongou's plight.

"I thought we were friends." Kongou said, not at all emotional. Naruto only shrugged once more.

"Not friends enough, I guess." the blond replied.

"You're a jackass, Naruto." Kongou told the blond gruffly.

"And you look like your face got sat on by a moose that got fucked in the ass by an elephant." Naruto replied, before chuckling.

"Hehe, I crack myself up sometimes. Moose that got fucked in the ass by an elephant." Naruto repeated, shaking his head fondly.

"Why are you being so mean, Naruto?" Saya questioned, "Why don't you help him out?"

Naruto pointed at Kongou.

"It's not like he lost all of his money. I know he had a bank account." Naruto told her, inspecting his nails absentmindedly.

"But the prices here are much more expensi-" Kongou cut himself off, gulping at the expression on Saya's face.

As Saya eyed the suddenly sheepish-looking Kongou in anger for misleading her, Temari walked into the room.

"Speaking of bank accounts, Naruto, you're taking me shopping." Temari said to the blond. Naruto eyed her for a moment, before sighing and nodding.

"Fine." Naruto said grudgingly, "And I have to pay for everything as well?"

"Of course." was Temari's sweet reply, "Is there a problem?"

Naruto grinned weakly at the sharpness of her voice when she posed that dangerous question.

"Not at all." Naruto replied, before grumbling under his breath, "It's not like I just bought you a house or anything."

"What was that?" Temari asked sharply. Naruto flinched slightly.

"I said, 'yes, dear.'"

Nobody noticed the slight wince that Saya gave at Naruto's comment.

"Good boy." Temari said, patting Naruto's cheek patronisingly, "If you're good, maybe I'll give you a bone."

Naruto grinned mischievously at Temari's comment.

"If I'm good, can I give _you_ a bone?"

Fist met head met floor, courtesy of Saya.

* * *

"You know," Temari commented, "I was planning for it to be just the two, maybe three or four of us. When and where from did all these people come?"

"I think everyone is still a bit excited that Naruto is back, Temari-san." Sakura said, walking alongside the blonde, "And it's the first person of our generation that's going to have a child. Of course we want to come baby shopping."

"Baby shopping?" Naruto spoke up, having heard Sakura, "Look, I'm already having one kid! I don't need to buy anoth- ow, damn it, Saya! You're being so violent lately!"

"You need to stop making such tasteless jokes, idiot." Saya said right back to him, glaring, "And don't call me violent!"

Azusa brought up her hand to cover her smile.

_She's angry that he has not noticed her feelings._ Azusa thought, _And I don't believe she even realizes it._

"Anyway," Naruto said, putting his hands behind his head as he walked, "What's the first item on the agenda? What do babies need?"

"Cribs?" Chouji spoke up.

"Shit you're stupid. I already got a crib, man." Naruto replied, shaking his head amusedly, "Just bought one. Next."

"I don't think he means your hous-"

"Then how about diapers?" Chouji continued.

"Then we'd need to get diaper rash. Man, you're _so_ _dumb_." Naruto replied, smirking nastily.

"We don't want to _give_ the baby a diaper rash, we want to protect the baby from it." Chouji fired back. Naruto blinked owlishly. Then his mouth went off.

"What the hell do _you_ know about kids? You're probably still a virgin."

"Well, we helped Kurenai-sensei when she was pregna-"

"Look, will everybody shut up?" Temari cut in, exasperated, "We're just browsing right now. First thing should be a baby crib."

"That's what I said." Chouji exclaimed happily, cockily arching an eyebrow at Naruto, for which the blond glared at him.

"Chouji. Fuck you, fuck your ninja skills, fuck your fat, fuck your dumb-fuck voice, fuck them sandals…"

"Don't worry, Temari-san." Azusa said to Temari quietly, away from the commotion of the group, "I'll help you. I do believe that I, aside from Kurenai-san, am the only one here that has real experience in raising a child."

"…fuck your shit-eating breath, fuck your food, fuck your digestive system…"

Temari gave Azusa a sincere smile. The older woman was very much the only person that everyone, even Naruto, seemed to respect. Most likely, she'd be one of Temari's most valuable resource in the coming months (the other being Kurenai).

Truthfully, this pregnancy had been a complete surprise to her. Temari had almost forgotten about her encounter with Naruto when she had discovered him racing back to Furou and decided to follow after him. When she had found out that she was pregnant during a regular physical check-up (something she double, triple, and even quadruple-checked), she was afraid of letting Gaara know, and she knew that she couldn't exactly go to Naruto for support lest it disrupt his guise of being a Konoha missing-nin. In the end, she had used her duties of ambassador to Konoha to arrange a long-term stay in the village in the hopes that by some miracle, Naruto might show up. And then, by some miracle, Naruto actually _had_ shown up.

Now that he was here along with his companions, Temari couldn't help but feel welcomed at their hospitality. She wasn't going to be in this alone, and that thought really comforted her.

"Thank you, Azusa-san."

"…fuck your intestines, small, not large, fuck your bladder, fuck your pancreas…"

"It is my pleasure to be of help, Temari-san."

"…and fuck yo' couch!"

* * *

"Well, I'm not exactly looking to buy anything just yet. I just want to get sort of an idea of what we'll need once the baby is born." Temari said, speaking to the girl working at the shop. She and the rest of the women had entered the shop to look at items for the currently-still-foetus, the men (plus Fuu, who refused to relinquish her seat on Naruto's shoulders) having decided that they were too 'cool' and choosing to stay outside instead.

"No problem." she replied, "It's always a good idea to know what you want to go for. Of course, at this stage in the pregnancy, you don't know the gender of the baby so it's best to buy clothing that can be used for either boys or girls. People typically go for-"

"A baby blue colour." Kurenai interjected, as she inspected the shop with a keen eye, "It was the same for us."

"Ah, Miriam-chan was such a cute baby." Sakura commented, watching Ino patiently talk to the little girl, "I still remember her when she was born."

"Yes, exactly. And you don't really need to wait to buy a crib, as you'll need one regardless." the girl suggested, "I'd recommend this one over here. It's quite expensive, more so than many of our other cribs, but it's built of extremely sturdy wood and is padded and cushioned to the max, assuring the best comfort to your baby."

"Money isn't an object." Temari replied, "The father is quite well off, or so he says."

A ways away, Naruto shivered as he felt a cold chill and a horrific stab of pain in his heart.

"Then, I'd absolutely suggest this crib. It's definitely the best value for your money. You won't be disappointed."

"Of course, you'll also need an extremely large number of diapers for the little one." Azusa gave her own two-cents, "And I am quite looking forward to see Naruto-kun learn to change a diaper."

Outside, Naruto clutched his heart in sheer terror. The girls who had heard Azusa's comments couldn't help but smirk at the thought of the blond with a diaper on his head. The shopkeeper looked between them in confusion before turning back to Temari.

"So which one is the father?" the girl asked, peering at the guys outside. Temari looked over to where Naruto was arguing with Kiba.

"Damn it Naruto, at least do it right!"

"That's what she said."

Temari looked back at the girl with a strained smile.

"Oh, he's not here right now."

* * *

The scene in the room was quite an amusing sight for Azusa to happen across. Naruto was the only other occupant in the room aside from her, surrounded by shopping bags filled with diapers and baby clothes, as well as a large crib sitting next to him. The blond was sitting on the couch, his hand clutching his head in what appeared to be shock as he reviewed a purchase receipt.

"Is something the matter, Naruto-kun?" Azusa asked, gaining his attention.

"…shit, shit, shit, shit, shi- huh?" Naruto looked up from obsessively peering over his purchase receipts, "Oh, Azusa-chan. What're you doing here? I thought you were going to go get some sushi with everyone."

"I tire of sushi." Azusa replied, a hint of a smile on her face, "I've had it entirely too often during our journey to Konoha."

"Well, we wanted to try out all the different kinds of sushi in all the villages in Fire Country. All of that cheap, cheap sushi." Naruto said, speaking wistfully. Azusa smiled at him.

"Naruto-kun, is there a problem that you'd like to talk to me about?" Azusa asked him. Naruto looked at her questioningly.

"Whatever do you mean, Azusa-chan?"

"Perhaps regarding your upcoming baby? Or maybe about why you were just muttering expletives to yourself under your breath?" Azusa continued. Naruto just sighed.

"I didn't even realize it at first, but…" Naruto pointed to a figure on the receipt in his hand, "everything here is _really_ expensive!"

"Well of course." Azusa replied, smiling at him, "Furou was a small town so everything there was cheaper, making your own considerable fortune seem even larger. Konoha on the other hand, is one of the largest places on the continent, meaning that there is more money in the economy. Since everyone has more money, that means that prices are higher. Did you not know that?"

Naruto gaped at her. He apparently hadn't known.

"Well, you shouldn't worry about it too much. You keep saying that you're the best shinobi in the world, so naturally, you'll get high-level missions." Azusa mentioned, thinking back to all his boasts back from when they were in Furou, "They pay quite well, correct?"

Naruto looked stricken at the thought. Truthfully, he really hadn't been planning on doing too much as a shinobi of Konoha again. The thought that he had no other choice but to do so, else facing financial problems left him feeling a bit stricken.

"Y-yeah. I think I'll go see Tsunade." he said, getting up absentmindedly. Azusa smiled as she watched him leave without even a word to her.

_To go from a happy, care-free life to having to support a family… poor boy is going to need all the help he can get._ Azusa thought, amusedly. She could tell that the coming days would be interesting, to say the least.

* * *

Tsunade raised an eyebrow.

"And what makes you think that you'll be getting S-class missions?" she asked the blond. Naruto looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Please, you and I both know that I'm next-level incredible." Naruto said, smirking cockily at her, "S-class missions are nothing. I might as well be doing a D-rank mission."

Tsunade smirked right back at him.

"Alright, then D-rank missions it is." she said jokingly, but Naruto wasn't having none of it.

"Hey, don't be messing around with me now." Naruto told her, glaring all the while, "I'll beat you in yo' ass."

Tsunade glared right back at him.

"Who the hell do you think you're talking to, huh?" she said, leaning forward over her desk and making a face that would seem right at home on a delinquent, "Maybe I should suspend you from duties 'til you get your attitude right."

"I ain't got no money, you old hag." Naruto replied, "I got four other hungry mouths to feed and a baby on the way. Not to mention that Fuu puts away more in a day than most people do in a week."

"Then maybe you should get on your knees and apologize to your Hokage." Tsunade replied, smiling deviously. Her eyes bore into his with a cruel malignance, taking pleasure in his suffering. Naruto narrowed his eyes dangerously.

"Maybe _you_ should get on _your_ knees and suck on my big fat-"

"You _don't_ want to finish that line." Tsunade cut in, glaring at the insubordinate blond.

"Oh yeah?" Naruto asked, feeling like quite the dare-devil, "What're you going to do about it?"

"You won't like the consequences, brat." Tsunade promised him. Naruto cocked an eyebrow.

"Rooster." he whispered.

"As of right now, you're suspended from all ninja duties for an indefinite period of time." Tsunade told him in all her official capacioty. Naruto looked at her in shock.

"What the fu- why would you do that?" Naruto asked her in outrage, the hurt in his voice apparent. The buxom blonde rolled her eyes.

"What did you think was going to happen?" Tsunade asked him crossing her arms underneath her breasts as she looked at him in amusement.

"I didn't think you'd _actually_ do it!" Naruto said, raising his voice. "How am I supposed to support _four other_ people, and a kid on the way?"

"You can support them by getting on your knees and begging for forgiveness." Tsunade said, smirking nastily at the vexed blond.

"Oh yeah?" Naruto replied angrily; never a good sign, "Maybe you can get on _your _knees and beg for forgiveness with my-"

* * *

Saya looked out the window suddenly.

_Why do I get the feeling that Naruto is doing something extremely stupid right now?_

* * *

"-in your mouth!"

* * *

_Why am I so stupid?_ Naruto questioned, as he walked down the streets with his hands in his pockets and without a job.

Tsunade had followed through on her threat and refused to give him _any_ missions, even D-rank. Naruto, despite arguing with her for over a quarter of an hour could not get her to budge, though he sure as hell wasn't going to beg for forgiveness on his knees.

The whiskered blond cast an angry look in the direction of the Tsunade's home, where he knew that Tsunade had retreated to after a long day at work.

"Bitch I'll never forgive you for this." he muttered, turning around and continuing his walk of shame back home. It was already dark out, and most of Konoha's citizens were already planning on going home or to a whorehouse, retiring for the night.

_I'm up shit-creek without a paddle. _Naruto thought irritably, _Why couldn't I just have been _born_ rich like Sasuke. Lucky bastard and his inheritance…_

And that was when a thought hit the blond. A slow and devious crept over his face as a plan blossomed in his mind, and far, far away, somebody shivered from an ominous feeling.

Naruto turned right around and went straight back to his Hokage.

* * *

"Inheritance?" Tsunade asked, "And you know, why do all my ninja decide to come in through the window? First in the Hokage Tower, and now even in my home."

"Well, maybe you should close the window." Naruto replied, smirking, "Of course, you'd probably miss the draft you get whenever you decide to go commando while wearing a skirt, but…"

"Alright, you pervert, tell me what you want. You've already wasted enough of my time today." Tsunade told him, holding her hands up in front of the fireplace, the flames warming her in the cool temperature.

"My inheritance. You have it somewhere here, right?" Naruto said, looking around as if there were something of his lying around, "I remember the Third showing it to me when I was younger. He said I'd get it when I was older."

"Your inheritance, huh?" Tsunade said, looking at him thoughtfully, "I guess you _are_ old enough."

"So who were my parents? What did they leave me?" Naruto asked, looking quite nervous as he bit his bottom lip. Tsunade noticed this with a sad smile, regretting that she hadn't told him before. Every child deserved to know who their parents were.

_Please let it be Yondaime, please let it be Yondaime._ Naruto inwardly pleaded, as he crossed his fingers in hope.

"Well… I don't know how to tell you this, but… your father was the Yondaime Hokage." Tsunade said, looking at him as if he might break like precious china.

_Score!_

"I see… and what did he leave me?" Naruto asked, desperately keeping the excitement from his voice. Tsunade sighed and stood up, ignoring his question as she walked over to a painting of the Yondaime Hokage that hung overhead the fireplace, right between her own and the Sandaime.

Naruto watched as chakra coated her hand and as it went straight through the painting as if it were an illusion, pulling out a scroll. Tsunade returned to her seat with the scroll still in her possession.

"As for your mother, her name was Uzumaki Kushina. She was a lot like you when you were a kid, personality wise." Tsunade told him wistfully, remembering the boisterous redhead, "Loud and obnoxious, always screaming about becoming Hokage, and a ninjutsu-type shinobi. They called her the Bloody Habanero, after her red hair and her temper. And she always got into a fight with your father, since both of them wanted to become Hokage."

"Your mother… she was also the previous container of the nine-tailed demon fox." Tsunade told him. Naruto blinked in surprise, but much to Tsunade's surprise, that was all he did.

"Oh… okay." Naruto replied tentatively.

_C'mon! Get to the money!_ he screamed inwardly.

"As for what they left you…" Tsunade smiled sadly, "Naruto, they left you their will."

Naruto eyed her for a moment before replying.

"Can- can I see it?" he asked. It was Tsunade's turn to blink.

"What?" she asked, confused at his question. Naruto looked back at her with the same confused expression.

"Their will. Can I see their will? I want to know what they left behind for me." Naruto answered her.

"Oh no, Naruto. Not that kind of will. They left you their will, their dream of becoming Hokage." Tsunade told him smilingly, "And you accepted it even without knowing it, right? You've always wanted to be Hokage."

"Tha- that's it?" Naruto asked, shocked, "Wasn't the Yondaime rich? He must have left me something!"

"Well, he left behind this scroll for you." Tsunade replied, tossing Naruto the scroll in her hand, "But the Yondaime's fortune all went towards the rebuilding of the village after the attack, as per his orders."

Naruto didn't even bother looking at the title of the scroll before tossing it into the fireplace in anger. Tsunade looked at him in surprise.

Neither of them noticed as the scroll titled 'Hiraishin' went up in flames, leaving nothing behind.

"What the SHIT! That fucking asswipe, I needed that money!" Naruto fumed. Tsunade was unsure of what to say. She had been so sure that the blond would be emotional about learning the truth of his heritage.

"Naruto… what-"

"Bitch I got kids to feed!" he raged, "I'm _in a real pickle_ here, Tsunade! Shit! _Sasuke_ got money! _Sasuke_ got fame! _Sasuke_ got bitches! What the fuck did _I_ get? Dreams!"

"_What the fuck am I supposed to do with a dream?_" Naruto asked, speaking almost too quickly for Tsunade to hear, his hand clutching his head in annoyance.

"W-well, I was only joking when I said you were suspended from duty." Tsunade stammered, shocked at Naruto's outburst, "Of course I'll give you S-class missions if you want."

Naruto stopped seething almost immediately.

"Yeah?" he asked, sounding almost giddy.

"And besides, the Uchiha fortune has been in dormancy ever since Uchiha Sasuke turned traitor." Tsunade told him shakily, still feeling shocked at his explosion.

"It's been what?" Naruto asked.

"In dormancy. There aren't any Uchiha in Konoha any longer, so the fortune is in dormancy." Tsunade told him, relieved that he was no longer angry. Then she blinked at the suddenly scheming look and malevolent grin on Naruto's face.

_I just made a very big mistake, didn't I?_ the buxom blonde Hokage couldn't help but think.

* * *

"Well, your forms are all in order." the man behind the desk told the deceitfully smirking blond, "So I guess congratulations are in order, Uzumaki-san."

Naruto titled his chin up and looked down at the man.

"Call me by my proper title, whelp." Naruto replied disrespectfully, nasty grin refusing to leave his face, "Call me…"

"_Uchiha-sama._"

* * *

**End**

* * *

**I updated this in haste, so it's pretty much unbeta'd. I looked it over a few times, but that's it.**

**Yes, Naruto has claimed the Uchiha fortune for himself. This wasn't exactly how I imagined I would end the chapter. It was originally going to be a lot longer, and there was going to be a pretty big cliff-hanger at the end, not to mention more of Naruto's life with 5 dependants, but I decided to cut the chapter in half and leave those for next time. It really has been too long since I've updated. And yes, I know that paying cash to buy a house is unrealistic. Also, I know nothing about babies nor about how to raise them. So that baby-blue clothes thing is just me bullshitting.  
**

** And thanks to Az for giving me the kick in the pants to get this done. Also, if InARealPickle happens to read this by any chance, I hope you enjoyed the reference I gave you during the inheritance scene. I miss you :(.**

** Anyway…**

** Why did it take so long to update? The combined efforts of work, school, and laziness kicked my ass. I don't think there's a time when I **_**don't**_** feel sleepy. In fact, my eyes are closing as I type this.**

** But I think that the biggest contributor to my not updating has to be because I'm so **_**bored**_** of Naruto. When I was first writing, it was so much fun because Naruto was so much fun. Now… it's just boring. Code Geass on the other hand… Code Geass is my new obsession, and honestly, I think it's going to be my obsession for years to come. But don't worry. I'm not going to abandon any of my current projects.**

** Well, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I expect to get to 500 reviews!**

** knuckz**

** PS: I did this in Come Full Circle, and I'll do it here. Everyone needs to check out Zeitgeist84's Onesimus Shrugged: GOSPEL. It's not even remotely a humour fic (like this), but it's still an amazing read, despite only having two chapters.**


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